Why can't I accept estranged H is nasty and I need to let go?

[Helpots]

Separated 7 weeks ago, he's got MH/depression, has for years. He's had issues arising from his early childhood and problems with his mum.

8 months of arguing after he abruptly changed his mind about fertility treatment in august. That involved him repeatedly changing his mind about whether or not he wanted to be with me, whilst telling me he still loved me. Every time I got pragmatic during this time and put forward my proposals for us to separate, he would then tell me he wanted to make it work.

Things deteriorated, pushing and shoving on both sides, him intimidating me by pushing his face in mine and clenching his fists, so I'd slap his face to get him out of my face. He's also self-harmed in front of me, with a knife and hitting his head.

He left in January, came back for 4 weeks, then left again 7 weeks ago. Blocked me as he wants no contact from me. I have sent him numerous emails asking him to consider counselling etc before throwing it all away.

Together 13 years, married just 4, 20 yr old DD who regards him as her dad and who is hurting and also having to cope with my MH

I've got to a point where I've wanted to end it all, I just can't cope, I feel as though I've been abused by him for a good while, my head is a mess.

My DD told him yesterday she was worried about my safety as I was acting manic - he then pulled up outside to pick her up, and could see I was upset and mouthed 'fuck off' at me - I have been there for him thru years of his depression but in mine (and DD) hours of need, he is just vile.

DD was supposed to be staying out last night, she was in work until 1am. I told her to stay out, she needs some respite from the situation. However H has insisted that he pick her up and that she stay with me at home so that I wasn't alone with my MH

I've asked him for the court fee so I can start the divorce but he's not given it to me.

He's now telling me that I am the sole cause of his depression and MH when throughout our relationship, he's said it was his mum and childhood (he's back living with his mum now, holed up in her spare room because he can't bear to be around her for any great length of time).

Why can't I just accept that it is over with this nasty man who is so full of inner rage that he projects it all onto me? He absolutely hates me

I am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds horrible and very intense.

You are not solely responsible for his poor mental health nor is he for yours.

However, I do think you both need to think about how this is affecting your DD.

She sounds like the victim in all of this and it must be hard for her to be worrying about you both and whether something awful is going to happen.

I think you need to start putting her needs first, I know she is an adult but she is still a young adult and it seems like a lot is being heaped on to her shoulders.

Have you been to your GP for support?
You might need medication to get you through this rough patch and talking therapy would definitely help.

Please seek help for yourself, you are going through a very difficult time and you need to reach out beyond your DD.

Get the fee for the divorce however you can and start proceedings. Get out of this marriage and book yourself if for therapy.

I agree with Pp. sounds like a lot of game playing on both sides .

The divorce is not the hugest rush . Just need to confirm in your mind it is done and you both need a break from contacting each other.

you both need counselling but separately . If he does or doesn’t though isn’t your issue . You need to do two things . Focus on your Dd needs but also your own . Her staying away is not respite she won’t relax .

you may need medication counselling but not a battle with ex right now . One of the biggest things I had to learn with ex . He wasn’t listening to me when married - definitely wasn’t going to now separated

Thank you @Catlover100 - I never knew that your mental health could crash or feel like this. I am getting professional support and counselling - I’ve suggested to DD that we get her some counselling too (I know my H would assist in paying for this, he does adore her) but she doesn’t want to. I’m awaiting CBT

Ive tried to put her first, she told me (whilst drunk) that she didn’t think I’d tried hard enough to save the marriage (God knows I’ve tried but he’s in some kind of constant angry manic state) so I’ve begged him in front of her. Not the best decision I know. I’ve asked him to be amicable for her sake, pointing out that she wants the 21st party that we promised her after her 18th was kyboshed by covid, and her graduation next year and she wants her parents there, but aside from giving her a few lifts here and there, their relationship is hugely interrupted. He’s brought her up with me since she was 7, her bio dad is a waste of space and she’s come to rely on H for her security - I thought that might be a reason he’d act rationally about this

I feel so shit around her because I gave her the dad and lovely home that she’d come to rely on, and now it’s all crashed for her

Thank you @Starlightstarbright1 - my problem is that I can’t accept it’s over, but I’m assuming that’s part of this grieving process. I’ve got a counsellor and awaiting CBT, I also have a MH nurse appointment at the end of the month. I’m doing absolutely everything I can to try to stabilise myself, for me and my DD

you’re so correct re H not listening when together - our biggest problem was that he was incapable of meaningful conversation which in turn would frustrate me, we’d end up arguing and he’d walk out, telling me he wanted to separate - all throughout the relationship.