Struggling a week on - any advice??

[hellosunshine8]

We are divorcing. I'm now a single parent to a 2YO and have a house full of animals to manage on my own and a demanding full time job. I've got that on one side and then the betrayal of someone I spent over a decade of my life with. Divorce board seems a bit quiet and I don't see many threads from people with such a young child.

Is there anyone in a similar boat, or who has been recently? Physically I feel horrendous. The last week has been bad but I hoped it might start getting a tiny bit better each day. But a week on I think I feel worse. He only left last night for a couple of nights in a hotel. Not sure what will happen after that. But I guess today is my first day as a single parent really which might be why it's worse.

I feel so unwell. I've lost 4kgs in a week and I wasn't overweight in the first place. I know I need to eat and drink but my stomach seems to react terribly when I eat anything and I'm stuck in a vicious cycle with it.

Has anyone been through this and got any advice? Will some foods be better than others? Do I force food down even if I think I might vomit it back up because I probably wont? How crap a parent am I if CBeebies becomes a daily occurrence?

My ex walked out on us 2 weeks before Christmas December 21.
My son was 7 and my daughter was 15 mos old. I also had/have a demanding full time job and lost almost 2st in weight.

Firstly, you will be ok. Those initial days are full of unknowing. It is absolutely ok if Cbeebie is your babysitter, it still is in my house. I had to rethink my 'standards' to survive.

I would guess it took me 9/10 months to be able to eat properly again and I have (disappointingly) gained some weight back.

Divorce and separation are incredibly stressful. For me it became and emotional battle ground I was fighting alone. So where possible I want you to look after yourself. It's not easy but you need to prioritise it. A good support system will be invaluable. Strong and reliable childcare. Tell your boss at work, they will be lenient. If you can, when you are ready (this took me a while) take a day to spend home alone. Bath, nap, rest, recuperate.

I used to be a keen cook, only recently have a started 'cooking' again. I rarely make the meals we enjoyed as a family and instead make new recipes.

A new routine will organically develop but whilst that happens it's very overwhelming.

I promise you, there is another life waiting for you. It will be different, it will have its challenges, but it is definitely a life worth living.

You don't say why you are separating or whether you need advice on the legalities, there is some wonderful advice on these boards when you are ready to hear it.

Today, put on your comfies, call a friend and have some toast if you can manage it. I remember I couldn't bear the texture of food in my mouth and it would make me retch. For now, eat when you can, a banana, toast, something gentle.

Be kind to yourself

It’s US leaning but have you been to the forums on Surviving Infidelity? It’s the most wonderful group of supportive people with a lot of resources to help. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Don’t judge yourself too harshly. Take each hour as it comes. Drink water and eat small amounts as and when you can.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. I know how awful it is. My exH left me (after ten years) on 27th December (had to get Christmas out of the way 🙄) with 2 yo DS.

The first six months for me were really hard - I was bereft, hardly ate and lost a lot of weight. I would say this is all very normal behaviour. It's a stressful time and I advise you to take things one day at a time. You will no doubt cry yourself out but then there are gaps in between when you start to feel better and those gaps get bigger. Train your brain to focus on the here and now and stop it wandering back to 'the good times'. Literally say out loud 'STOP!' and go and do something else.

It takes time but it does get easier. Keep busy, see friends. Try and eat a little bit (plain stuff) and maybe take some vitamin tablets. Look after yourself because you have a little one who needs you 💐

Thank you so much for the posts. It makes me feel much less alone.

@cleanbreak2022 I wasn't sure whether to tell work but will definitely consider it. Thanks for laying out your experience. It's good to have some kind of idea about the path forwards. I was quite keen to lose a few kgs but not like this! We are separating because of his infidelity (again). Been together 11 years, married 7. I've already submitted the divorce application. Was on leave all week so used it as practically as I could including seeing a solicitor.

@Didimum I have not, but may take a look, thank you. I tried to join a FB group or two but haven't been accepted yet. Thank you.

@Newgolddream70 gosh your situation doesn't sound dissimilar to mine. Six months seems so far away! But it's a huge part of my life to move on from. I like the saying 'stop!' Out loud thing. Might try that. Has your split proved difficult in terms of finances and access to your DC? Things seem amicable but I'm under no illusion that could suddenly change. Devastated that not only has he done what he's done to us both, but I'll now be punished and have to spend less of my DD's life with her than if he hadn't done this.

@hellosunshine8 infidelity is so very hard (in my experience). There's a reason it's considered a type of bereavement, except they are there to haunt you! That's how I've felt. I still cry my eyes out when my children are away from me. I've read that it gets easier and I will appreciate it, I'm waiting for that to come.

My experience is there's no such thing as amicable. Yes, it can be civil, but amicable where infidelity is concerned raises so much anger and resentment. I have zero relationship with my ex (for various reasons following the split) and I am in no rush to move forward from that. Like you, it wasn't the first time he cheated. I am having therapy and that might be something you want to explore. It gives me space to vent and swear where my children can't hear. My anger is very deep rooted and as much as I want to move forward past that, and working towards it, I can't see it leaving me.

It will be a roller coaster. I managed to save my home for my children and their life suffered minimal disruption in the scheme of things. It was an awful year, but it was intense and done quickly. I completed on buying him out within 9 months and could have done it quicker if he didn't mess me around.

You will be ok, accept the emotions you feel, listen to them and understand them.

Omg, I came in here this morning to post something similar. My 25 year marriage has just broken down and I'm heartbroken, it's a physical pulsing in my heart, my head, my stomach, my legs, just top to toe devastation.

I'm going to take some advice, although I know I'm not ready for some if it yet.

I just can't understand how I went from "the person I want to protect from all harm" to the person he was prepared to harm more than anyone ever, in a few short weeks. I have to accept I'll never have closure. It's ok to move on even without it. I know 100% he's going to regret it, I know the tide is already turning on that, but I have to learn that his feelings no longer matter to me, emotionally removing myself from caring for him is going to be bloody hard.

So sorry OP. I was left with a tiny baby and a full time job I had to go back to when he was 6 weeks old, this was the 1980's so no long maternity leave.
No co-parenting and no CMA.
But looking back it was far better than living my life with a complete prick.
You can't possibly do everything during this time of grief for the life you think you had. if you need to take some time off take it, if you can get counselling take it and don't be afraid to take medication to get you through this stage.
It definitely will get better, you just need to get through these initial stages in one piece.
Do you have friends, relatives you can talk to?

I have been divorced and lost a lot of weight. I am 5ft 2 and plummeted to 7.5 stones. Just looked ill. It lasted a good few years to be honest but we had locked down and then my ex took me to court for a long battle over finances which I lost a lot of money. Just eat what you can when you fancy. I took the opportunity to eat loads of cake and not even put an ounce on ha ha!
In my experience, things start off kind and amicable but soon change, men get bitter in my experience. So, get your paperwork in and protect yourself by making sure you get a consent order for the finances done early before the bitterness starts.
I was like you, just so upset that I was having to give up time with my daughter even though the split wasn’t my fault. I used to hold it together but quite often cry my eyes out when she had gone. Then…eventually I started making a life for myself while she was with her dad. And now I have the most amazing time both with her and while she is away with her dad.
I am quite sure you will have a lot of grieving to do. And there will be some really sad times and you just can’t sugarcoat it. So I know my post probably sounds a bit doom and gloom BUT there was laughter, freedom, happiness, no more walking on eggshells, kitchen dancing, new friendships, new hobbies, a new start, really really crap but funny online dating,a sense of big achievement doing it by myself, decorating my house my way, eating cake nom nom, smiling at a sunny day, seeing family, lots of support from family and making every moment with my daughter count with day trips, movie nights, snuggies on the sofa…whatever floats your boat - you only need to think of you and little one with no one to answer to.
You will be fine and everything always works out in the end. Always remember that x

In my case, things did get a little bit nasty once reality had set in and finances needed to be sorted. My ex was under the illusion that the family home would be immediately sold, he'd get his share and that would be the end of it.

I urge you to be practical and get all your paperwork together. And then see a solicitor and get legal advice. I appreciate this is extremely difficult when you're still emotionally attached but trust me, that won't last long. You will soon get angry and the survival instinct will kick in.

The house had to be sold in the end because I couldn't afford to keep it on but I managed to stay there 18 months before we reached an agreement through mediation. I got a larger share and used that money to put into a shared ownership property.