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Original poster

much older insecure controlling partner

27 replies

sleepawake · 14/05/2023 00:20

I have been in a relationship for few years with a much older man. Initially it was amazing. Only after couple of years when I did not want to move in to his house (his adult kids lived there at the time and he asked me to move in after a month dating) and refused to join finances with him, his mask dropped. He became more and more angry, argumentative and pushy. Trying to force to 'do something' with my property, belittle my money skills, envious (he admitted) of me being debt free and many more. Initially I think he had an idea I will not move in with him and his adult children and will become the housekeeper. I think my refusal offended him. He probably thought I will be amazed by his dated and dirty house. He was often telling me how much his pension was worth and hoping I will be equally impressed by it and will fall for it. He suggested I marry him as it will be very beneficial for me. I said no thank you. Now all he does is starts arguments, stonewalls me, swears at me, and we have not been intimate for over 2 years. I think this relationship is toxic and his behaviour is controlling. He was hoping for a free carer and is now upset the grand plan did not work. I am ready to leave. I tried to talk to him and announced I am leaving but he doesnt want to know and makes me feel such that I will regret my decision. Do you agree? What would you do? Anyone in similar position here? Please be gentle. x

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 14/05/2023 00:28

Just leave. You have already left him emotionally and thank goodness you can see him for what he is, but why on earth are you hanging around?

Forestdweller11 · 14/05/2023 00:29

You should leave.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/05/2023 00:33

For God's sake, what is the issue here? He sounds absolutely vile. Wait till he goes out and then leave.

august20222 · 14/05/2023 00:33

I think it takes a lot of courage to admit how awful your relationship is.

He's abusive.

It's not uncommon, but it's often very hidden.

I can pretty much guarantee to you that your life will be so much better if you are away from him.

It will feel scary, but that's because he's abused you for a long time and that will have made you feel you are worthless.

But I promise, the future is so much better than the present if you leave.

Livinghappy · 14/05/2023 00:33

You have every right to leave a relationship that isn't working for you.

If you are afraid of his reaction meet in a public place and return his things. If he continues to contact you then let him know you will call the police.

Grimchmas · 14/05/2023 00:41

What the heck are you hanging around for. Go already

TomatoSandwiches · 14/05/2023 00:45

If you don't live with him just tell him it's over and block his calls.

RememberNancyDrew · 14/05/2023 00:48

Kudos to you for not getting suckered into becoming the Live-In Housekeeper!
You saw the score and said, Oh Hell No - this is fantastic.

Now dump the loser. He's a loser and he should be dumped. Today! Now.

Summerhillsquare · 14/05/2023 00:49

You don't live with him and you're not having sex with him, what is there to leave? Youve made your position clear, just stop taking his calls.

SpacePotato · 14/05/2023 00:52

Stop wasting your bloody life on this man.

Why on earth have you been clinging on for so long?

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 14/05/2023 01:07

LTB.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/05/2023 01:07

Definitely leave him
There's nothing in it for you

Spottycarousel · 14/05/2023 03:23

My abusive ex told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life when I ended it. He said I'd regret it. Guess what? I never did!

He's just being manipulative Trust yourself and leave.

perfectcolourfound · 14/05/2023 09:46

Now all he does is starts arguments, stonewalls me, swears at me, and we have not been intimate for over 2 years. I think this relationship is toxic and his behaviour is controlling. He was hoping for a free carer and is now upset the grand plan did not work.

Why do you need to ask if you should leave? Why would you even consider staying with this man?

Relationships are meant to make life better. What's the point of them otherwise? You aren't obligated to stay in a relationship because the other person wants you to. Even if that other person was lovely, you still don't have to stay if you don't want to. But in this case, your partner is vile, cruel, greedy, selfish, aggressive, abusive.

You don't have to have a man to be happy. Being single is a million times better than being with thw wrong man.

You don't have to ask his opinion. It's irrelevant. And you know his opinion will only be based on what's best for HIM. He doesn't care about what's best for YOU. You are responsible for you only, not him. Just leave him.

pinkyredrose · 14/05/2023 09:49

Run as fast as you can!

Shivvy120 · 14/05/2023 10:21

He sounds abusive. My ex told me when I left where will you go you have nothing.. now I have all the things he had acquired in life and more! He was also older. He had also been married but there were no kids.
You clearly want to leave , you have said this to him, and he’s trying to make you stay. He is controlling you. You made a decision and he’s belittling it, he has NO right to do this to you. You are an adult and you are able to think and speak for yourself.
I suggest sticking to your guns and leaving him as this relationship isn’t what you want and you aren’t happy. Really, his feelings about what you think are his feelings, he’ll have to accept it.

Bananalanacake · 14/05/2023 10:36

You did well to refuse living with him. Now you need to end it.

Wishimaywishimight · 14/05/2023 11:09

It sounds like the "mask dropped" after a couple of years. It's hard to understand why you stayed after that.

Obviously you should leave. Why would you stay?

Dery · 14/05/2023 11:49

Walk away, OP. He sounds awful and just a waste of your time and energy. The relationship is over and has been for years. You don’t need his consent (and you won’t get it, anyway). Just walk away.

Manichean · 14/05/2023 13:02

He is horrible - leave him asap.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 14/05/2023 13:06

Eh? You’re not shagging him, you don’t live together, he openly treats you with hatred. There’s nothing to end, it’s not a relationship, just block him without a second thought and do extensive work on your self esteem and standards before dating anyone else.

Geppili · 15/05/2023 02:37

FGS dump him!

2catsandhappy · 15/05/2023 04:55

He has no power over you.
I hope you can find the courage and strength to block him from your life.
It is sad that he targeted you but the sooner you cut him away the sooner you can start to heal.
Today would be a great day, you have nothing to lose.

Ragwort · 15/05/2023 05:10

I don't understand what there is 'to leave' ... you don't live with him (unless I have read that wrongly) so just don't meet him. Block his number.

Are you afraid of him?

Newestname002 · 15/05/2023 06:12

I have to admit that I don't see why you have any contact with this man. You can clearly see that being in this "relationship" has absolutely no advantages for you - he's the one who stands to gain from you moving into his home, entangling finances, etc. Write and tell him you don't want anything more to do with him, you don't want him to contact you any more, then block him from your emails, phone, unfriend him from your social media, etc. You're done. 🌹