How often do you visit your parents?

[Finlandtowineurovision]

Sorry it’s a long one. Just wondering really. I live about an hour away from my parents (by train, maybe 30 mins in a car but I don’t drive) and don’t get to see them as often as they want. I have a complicated relationship with them - love them but they are very draining.

Essentially, they moan I don’t visit them more - I try and visit every fortnight but they moan if I can’t stay a full day if I have other plans. Due to a busy month I’ve only seen them once at a family wedding - and all I’ve heard is moaning about how I’m selfish and don’t visit.

However, I’m 32 with no children yet, a dog (they have 2 cats so I can’t take the dog to theirs when I visit). I feel like visiting them becomes an obligation, rather than because I want to, I invite them over to mines but there’s always rubbish excuses about why they can’t come to me. If I have to skip a week not seeing them, even my partner has noticed I get really anxious about it because I know I’ll hear about it later from parents. However when I do visit, we maybe chat for an hour, then they will sit and watch tv and sit on their phones, and get annoyed if I chat as I’m interrupting their programme. However for me, I work full time in a demanding job and want to spend my days off seeing them but also spending time with friends, my partner who I barely see midweek as he works odd hours, and walking my dog.

I don’t have a large friend group, just a group I’m still friendly with from school and the odd scattered uni friend, but they take the hump if I have plans - even though due to other friends routines sometimes these plans have been in the diary for 6 months or so. they see it as prioritising friends over them. Am I wrong?

as I said I invite them round for dinner, and I will suggest things like going for dinner or a coffee or a wander round the shops, and they just moan they don’t want to. Suggest shows that come to town, the theatre etc, usually met with moans. I have other family members I do things with (my sister and my niece, and an aunt - we go to the theatre often) and I go to concerts a lot with my partner - but get called selfish because I’m putting other family above my parents.

My mother has some kind of personality disorder (the whole family thinks so, not just me) and flies into rages and spirals, and my dad is quite quiet and shy and an enabler. I only have one sister and one aunt and two cousins - not a big family at all. Partner comes from a big family, and if we go to a family dinner or invited round for a drink or whatever, if my parents hear about it or see it on social media or whatever I get told I’m selfish for putting his family above my own.

I feel really horrible about this, part of me wants to enjoy my life before I have children, but then I feel so guilty about it.

Basically just want some opinions and advice on what I can do better? Feel so lost with it all and feel I’m too old to keep upsetting family like this, and no matter what I do it ends in an argument and it’s just a draining cycle.

Are they like this with your sister?

I don't think you should do anything differently. Relationships are a 2 way street so if they're unable to put themselves out to visit you then that's on THEM.

It's hard but you need to try and block the moans out. Maybe if they start moaning say 'I'm no longer listening to this' and end the call/walk out. Surely they'll get the message?

Life is too short to put yourselves out for people who clearly are giving you nothing in return.

No, but my sister lives five mins down the road from them and my mum looks after my niece after school every day , so they see both my sister and bil multiple times a week depending on who picks her up. Just totally different circumstances!

Every fortnight sounds a lot to me. I'd be aiming for once a month and maybe staying longer to make the journey worth it. If they want to see you more they can come to you/meet somewhere mutually convenient.

I think oftentimes if you don't have children it can look like your siblings with children are seeing your parents more often and ostensibly making more effort but it's often just a transactional relationship around childcare or seeing the grand kids.

2/3times a year but I don't live in the same country

My partners parents are like this, I really feel
Sorry for him as like you either way he is doing something wrong as they just moan about everything and nothing is ever good enough. I can tell he gets down about it. It's really controlling. But the scariest thing he said to me recently was I will buy our daughter a house nearby so she can never leave us, she's 4 years old!! I said no way I want her to live her own life 🤨 break the cycle somehow Xx

i agree with breaking the cycle
you are being dutiful but you can visit less

I would visit less. I barely visited once a month when my mum was around. I lived about 1.5 hours away. I have pets, my own life etc (must admit if I couldn’t take my dog I wouldn’t go at all as I couldn’t leave him for that many hours either). It sounds like visiting them is stressful - just cut back on the visits. It’s a two way street, they can come to you, you could telephone each other, etc Why are you allowing yourself to be guilted into things? People generally call you selfish when you don’t do what they want! Dont be guilted into things.

Only a few times a year but they live hours away from me and my husband. My mum is only 59 and living her own life. FIL would like to see us more often but doesn't have a lot else going on in his life. He doesn't pressure us though. I think some parents of adult children find themselves with no hobbies or interests outside of their children and cling to them when grown up. That's not your problem op. See them less if you want.

Once a fortnight sounds a lot, especially as they expect a full day's visit and it's an hour each way to visit them.

I live perhaps 1.5 hours from my parents and maybe visit every couple of months. They visit us about the same. Sometimes we see each other less but keep in touch by phone every few days.

When I lived close to them I saw them probably once a week, but there was never any pressure to do that, and that visit might be an hour or half a day.

There isn't a right and wrong - circumstances play a part, practicalities, how busy life is, and - importantly - whether you want to visit. Parents shouldn't ever pressure children in to visiting them. It has the opposite effect, as you've seen. It makes visiting a chore, something to fit in and be resentful of.

Thankfully my parents have never made me feel bad for not visiting, nor do I pressure my own adult children. So when they do visit I know it's because they want to.

Do they visit you? Do they have other things happening in life?

I’d visit less. I have adult children and I plan stuff for us to do sometimes but I’d never expect them to just visit every two weeks for the sake of it.
could you suggest meeting them somewhere rather than just going to them. It would get them out, put a time frame on the visit and could be a way to reintroduce the idea of meeting to socialise rather than duty visits.

I often meet my eldest son for lunch - he’s really interested in finding weird little places to eat so it’s not expensive. We’ve done museums and galleries together. We’ve even done zoos. My adult daughter calls me when there’s a film she wants to see.

could you maybe get cinema subscription for them and sometimes meet them there.

it might be a way to change the way you meet up and take the pressure off you - as well as encouraging them to have some other interests

but you need to set boundaries. You’re going to end up really resenting them

these are more reassuring than I expected to be honest! No they don’t do much - neither really have any friends left, my mum doesn’t keep the best health physically or mentally - she has a health condition but hasn’t been put on any benefits or anything, however she constantly talks about how much pain she is in but does nothing to help.

It’s just never ending. If I ask her to come to mine, she said she doesn’t want to drive to mine as parkings awful (it’s on street parking and can be a bit hairy in evenings but weekends are fine!) If I suggest going to a cafe she says no she doesn’t want to, or makes excuses about not driving somewhere she doesn’t know (she’s the one who lived away, I live in the area my whole family have grown up in since the 60s)…. if I suggest going to a nice bar she says she doesn’t drink… in the past I’ve said well come for a coke or a mocktail and she then says she can’t be bothered travelling in to do that, or moans she’s skint - her and my dad have been mortgage free for about 10 years! She also makes out my dad stops her doing things, but it’s genuinely just an excuse as he doesn’t care, and has said he will happily run her about wherever she needs to go as it gets her off his case!

I know mentally my mum has issues but she refuses to acknowledge it and can turn it off and on depending on when she needs, it’s very manipulative and I know that, it’s just hard

I have to admit I go when I need something. Not money or anything like that, but I go more often when life is hard and less often when things are going well for me.

They never complain either way

One of my parents is 3 hours away and the other 12 hours away. I see the closer one every 2 months or so but they usually visit me (we have ND kids and a dog). The other one also usually visits me, about once a year. But I'm in contact daily via family WhatsApp groups.

There comes a time as an adult when you have to put boundaries in place. You aren't a child anymore and you shouldn't be feeling this level of anxiety, nor should you tolerate being moaned at and called selfish. They haven't transitioned into an adult relationship with you, they're still treating you very much like a child. You need to talk to them and basically say what you have said here. They probably won't take it well, but that doesn't mean that it makes it less valid or true. Remember you can't control other people's reaction, you can only control what you do. Take the bull by the horns, remove the misplaced guilt and make your boundaries clear.
If they don't wish to respect them, then go LC with them until they have enough respect to treat you as the adult you are and stop causing you unnecessary stress.

Thanks all - food for thought and v interesting, I was expecting to be told I’m a bad daughter and I should see them more often. I’m going to work out how to speak to them, thanks very much for all your opinions and support! X