DH or me?

[Lostforwords23]

DH has been an absolute idiot on and off all day in my opinion; or is it just me?! Sorry for the incoming waffle - I’ve had a long day and need to rant.

It started this morning, I’d taken 3 year old DS for his swimming and then planned to take him to a circus type show for a treat. Despite being told by our HV he needs to work on his bond with DS, DH decided he wanted to watch football on the TV instead of taking him so fair enough, we went.

DS was in the garden as I got ready out of my grotty post swimming clothes so DH was watching him and carrying our baby DD. He started bellowing up the stairs in the most unpleasant tone asking how long I’d be and to ‘HURRY UP THEN’ because he needed the toilet (TMI sorry) and couldn’t work out how to achieve that without getting me downstairs to watch the children.

For more context, we’ve had an awful time with DD since she was born. Unexplained bouts of constant screaming after every feed and refusal to sleep. I believe I was on the cusp of being mentally unwell with it all and carrying the strain of sharing concerns with HV to get actions in place, constant research etc. With that said (and the fact I had a near fatal health condition weeks after birth that I’m still on medication for), DH has been doing the night feed to give me recuperation and as I do most things in the day. This is one feed normally between 4.30-5.30 but he would have you believe it’s every hour.
DD has also been unwell recently with a bad cold which has seen her coughing so much she projectiles up her feeds.

After we got back from the show, DH decided to have a couple of drinks in the garden. That has somehow spiralled into around 10 bottles but he’s okay he says as he can talk and stand up. His eyes have completely changed and he’s got that vacant, irritating ‘drunk’ look on his face.

I don’t mind a few drinks but with everything going on with DD, it would be nice to have mentioned it and asked if I minded.

He started behaving oddly, showing me his friend group chat where they were likening a rubbish football performance to my ‘shit contraception’ (both babies planned and wanted!) and DH responding that his ‘20 seconds of shagging’ has cost him a lot of money. He seemed to think this was funny although I found it quite vulgar. He was also having a really loud phone call with an equally drunk couple of friends where he was calling them perverts etc just after I’d got DS to bed.

He was fine mood wise until DD became unsettled and refused to sleep or when she did, she’d wake back up.
He brought her downstairs and gave her to me and then started lecturing me on how I should be moving her to settle her. I reiterated to him that I’ve pulled my usually fragile back today lugging our DS around as he had a clingy day and it was hurting it. He started lecturing me further about how he studied sports science so it can’t possibly be hurting my back.

Part of the tirade was to tell me to F off, I’m an f’ing idiot etc. He also was loudly shushing at DD in the most harsh, definitely wouldn’t settle her way, did it to me when I tried to speak to him to ask him not to do that to her and shouted at me for ‘pissing off upstairs’ which was just me quickly going to change into my PJ’s. He was also swearing at her that she should’ve been to sleep f’ing hours ago.

I’ve spent ages trying to settle DD as obviously I took her off him, but downstairs is a tip and I can’t do both in case she wakes DS up. The kitchen needs cleaning, some of her bottles need washing and sterilising yet when I’ve gone downstairs to make her last bottle, he’s sat merrily on the sofa eating a bloody scone.

I will admit I’m very sensitive to drunk people when I’m not, as I had a violent ex in drink but he’s been an arse today and I am excessively emotional (awaiting ADHD assessment) so I don’t know how to breach this with him in the morning. He made a show of loudly closing the living room door so guess he’s staying there tonight!

Christ. In all honesty sweetheart he sounds like an absolute arse.
Does he usually behave like this or is this a particularly bad day?

Very obviously it is him who is very unreasonable!! I am sorry you even have to ask

swearing at the baby that she should be asleep? That is unacceptable. Really horrible.

please don’t doubt yourself. And I’m sorry you have had such a rough time of it both with your own health and that of your newborn

You both sound stressed out and at the end of your tether. Not excusing him. Can anyone else help to give you both a break?

Thank you both, I appreciate you responding to my word dump.

@Pinkplasticbathcup He’s been quite child like for a while after birth but not usually this bad, whilst I was recovering from everything health wise, he wouldn’t clean the house by himself and was getting his dad (who has a knee injury at the moment) to come over to do it with him. He leaves clothes everywhere and will often decide to wear new ones whilst leaving other ones dumped on the banister.

@flumpalamp We don’t have a great deal of nearby support, just his dad who’s not far and would do anything but I feel bad with his current knee problems.
It’s definitely been an awful time.

He sounds utterly awful. You and your children deserve much better. 💐

You're not unreasonable at all. He sounds awful and frankly a crappy parent too. Drunk or not I wouldn't be able to forgive the messages.

Or aggression around the kids.

No happiness in the future for you with this man. Time to wake up OP.

I’d be recording that and showing it back to him. Then I’d be asking him to leave for the weekend until you’ve both had time to review how things can work differently as this is not ok.

Having some drinks, fine. Vulgar comments to his mates about your sex life, behaving aggressively and swearing at you, name calling and acting like a manchild - fuck that.

You sound like you have a lot going on. Difficult birth, bad back, pending ADHD assessment, on top of sickly DD is a lot. I’m going out on a huge limb here with benefit of the doubt to say he’s not coping, but his outbursts are not an ok way to deal with it (if that’s the case).

Thank you - I’ve just been downstairs to turn the TV off as he’s fell asleep on the sofa.

@KCIII You could absolutely be right, it is a lot to deal with for anyone but getting drunk and shouting at people can’t be the best way to deal with it so we definitely need to talk.

I’m just worried that it will get turned around on me and he does like a drink.
He doesn’t drink regularly but when he does, it’s a fair bit. Only one of his friends has a child so the rest are still in, spontaneous drinks and holidays mode so he tries to keep up (we’re coming up 30, not as young as he makes us seem).
There were more messages from his friends I don’t think I was supposed to see asking when he was getting the snip, that he could ‘hump’ anything once that’s been done, I’m not made of wood and then he responded something along the lines of splitting the see you…. in two and he’s finished his bit for procreation. I feel like I’ve entered something awful like the Inbetweeners movie in my own life temporarily..

At best he sounds very immature. I do agree with PP he may not be coping with everything but the man’s way to address that is to recognise it and work together on it. The silly boys way is to get pissed and be a twat. And aggression towards the children is just an absolute no no.

I’d be sitting down and having a chat - start off supportive and say are you not coping, how can we deal with this. If he’s not accepting how serious it is then go in hard. And don’t let him minimise it. Video him shouting at the baby next time (if there is one). Stick that video on his mates group WhatsApp and let them see how much of a man he is 🙄

He sounds absolutely disgusting. Honestly, I don't think there's any hope for this one. What he said about you was so awful I couldn't get past that. I would tell him to go to his dad's and not come back

Get rid. Sounds like he will be happy to go and get shagging.

I am so cross for you OP. This is a time when you really need to know that you are supported and loved. I agree that the mature way to approach this is to go in gentle and reflect that you are both finding it difficult to cope. But you need to put up some boundaries. The way he has been talking about you and the kids to his friends is disgusting, that he isn't pulling his weight generally around housework and being a parent is pathetic, if he can't get his act together on these things I see many difficult years ahead for you.

Thank you all - he came up to bed in the early hours and was full of apology this morning. He also told me this morning that in his drunken state, he’d broken my engraved glass so that was left in pieces on the side.
We’ve been here before with his silly drunk behaviour though.

I don’t think he gets it where drink is concerned though. He doesn’t drink in high frequency but every time he does, it has to be a nearly all day binge drinking session, there’s no casual drinking catch ups with his friends.
I was suffering severe pelvic pain in late pregnancy and could barely walk the day of a planned day out. I asked him not to go so he could help look after DS, he eventually said he wouldn’t. That then led to him storming around the house shouting in frustration, so much that DS ended up crying and did end up going out anyway. He then ignored my messages begging him to please come home or if he had to be out, to compromise and come home a bit earlier. He insinuated I was making it up just to stop him going.

I’ve got an internal job interview tomorrow which him keeping me up into the early hours with upset/worry has made me exhausted for and needing to be trying to settle DD all night meant no preparation last night; coupled with DD not wanting to go to sleep tonight so I’ve got from now to try and wash my hair, prepare an outfit, think of how to string together some sentences/question prep and attempt to get some sleep!