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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband

21 replies

Starling57 · 13/05/2023 19:30

I feel like I hate my husband. We’ve been married nearly 30 years, two kids who have left home and we should now be enjoying another chapter in our lives. Unfortunately I just can’t stand him. He’s arrogant and obnoxious. He constantly talks over me and I interrupts conversations. He’s always been like this but for some reason I just can’t bear it anymore. He can be patronising and it’s getting to a point where I just can’t be bothered to speak to him. He’s lazy around the house. I don’t work and this seems to be his excuse but he’s never been good like that. Doesn’t cook. If he loads the dishwasher he has to tell me about it. Today I was rushing around trying to get ready to go out ( doing housework, too) and he’s just sitting watching tv while I’m hoovering. Outwardly he’s the golden boy - will do anything for anyone else. No one would believe me if I told them how he really is. He likes a lot of attention and I just can’t give it him anymore. I’m so bloody tired of him. Even his driving. He drives like an idiot. It’s embarrassing but makes me so anxious and when I tell him this all he’ll say is, we’ll you drive then. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 13/05/2023 19:43

Yes he sounds awful.

LiliLil · 13/05/2023 19:56

Why don’t you leave? It’s not too late

Winter2020 · 13/05/2023 19:59

If everything about your husband is getting to you - the way he speaks, behaves, drives - when it didn't used to get to you so much do you think some of this could be your own low mood? Or do you think you just notice it more now you spend more time around him?

You mentioned you don't work. Does your husband work full time? If so then the balance probably would fall to you doing most of the house work (not all of course) and he should take turns to cook/wash up etc.

Is there anything that you do enjoy doing with your partner? E.g. a walk/a meal out/ the cinema - perhaps try something you used to enjoy together and see if you can enjoy his company. Also why not drive if you don't like his driving - assuming that you do drive.

But when all is said and done if it is the reality that you don't like him (and I don't want to get flamed for suggesting hormones etc but I often feel like trashing my marriage just before my period and am OK the rest of the time) but if you really don't like him then I guess you think about separating and building a new life where you are more content.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 13/05/2023 20:09

Does he have ADHD at all?

Sounds exactly like my dad who was diagnosed at the ripe old age of 57.

ladykale · 13/05/2023 20:28

Why does everyone assume everything is ADHD?!

What about the post suggests that he has ADHD???

ladykale · 13/05/2023 20:28

Starling57 · 13/05/2023 19:30

I feel like I hate my husband. We’ve been married nearly 30 years, two kids who have left home and we should now be enjoying another chapter in our lives. Unfortunately I just can’t stand him. He’s arrogant and obnoxious. He constantly talks over me and I interrupts conversations. He’s always been like this but for some reason I just can’t bear it anymore. He can be patronising and it’s getting to a point where I just can’t be bothered to speak to him. He’s lazy around the house. I don’t work and this seems to be his excuse but he’s never been good like that. Doesn’t cook. If he loads the dishwasher he has to tell me about it. Today I was rushing around trying to get ready to go out ( doing housework, too) and he’s just sitting watching tv while I’m hoovering. Outwardly he’s the golden boy - will do anything for anyone else. No one would believe me if I told them how he really is. He likes a lot of attention and I just can’t give it him anymore. I’m so bloody tired of him. Even his driving. He drives like an idiot. It’s embarrassing but makes me so anxious and when I tell him this all he’ll say is, we’ll you drive then. Sorry for the rant.

But if you don't work why wouldn't you do most of the housework??

neilyoungismyhero · 13/05/2023 20:32

I could have written your post, bit longer in than you by 10 years or so. No advice to give just empathy. Easy for people to say leave it's not that simple, really it's not. I just do stuff on my own now and try to avoid too much time on our own. It's the best clay to avoid his sulky crap and opinions.

GabrielleLegs · 13/05/2023 20:34

Just sounds like you've had enough of him.

If you stay you might have, say another 30 years of this?

It might not be easy to leave, but it might be worth it.

Neilsfavouritechilli · 13/05/2023 20:36

It sounds to me that you're out of love for him and that's fine, consider your options OP. (Also not sure how a pp arrived at adhd, maybe they posted on the wrong post)

Hotfootgoose · 13/05/2023 20:38

Make the decision to leave and then start planning for this. You don’t have to stay when you are unhappy.

Gettingbysomehow · 13/05/2023 21:03

You certainly haven't done yourself any favours by not working. When I was married I always made sure I kept my independence so I wouldn't have to rely on him should the marriage fail.
Thank God I did.

Original poster
Starling57 · 14/05/2023 06:42

Thanks so much for your comments. I know it’s not a low mood I’m feeling because I’ve felt like this for a long time. I often wonder what life would be like without him. I don’t work which is a situation we decided upon together. I do look after our home and I also look after grandchildren. It’s just I feel like I’m some kind of slave? He has to live here too and yet it’s as if he’d live in a shit tip if nothing got done. And the physical stuff that I can’t do he just won’t do. There’s an argument or sulking if he has to do anything. Thanks for listening anyway. I don’t have anyone I could talk to about this. Everyone thinks he’s amazing and wouldn’t believe me if I told them what he’s like behind closed doors which is another battle I have.

OP posts:
DucksNewburyport · 14/05/2023 06:46

Are you sure they wouldn't believe you? Isn't it obvious when he patronises you and talks over you etc? I think you might be surprised OP.

AntoniaMacaronia · 14/05/2023 07:05

I believe you, @Starling57 . He sounds very much like my ex. I used to fantasise about life without him. Let me tell you, it's better than my wildest dreams.

Houseupdate · 14/05/2023 07:10

How old are you? If DH is still working then I’m guessing not retirement age. Maybe you should get a job and consider if you want to continue to stay with your husband.

unsync · 14/05/2023 07:49

Why do you stay? Can you spend the rest of your life living like this? It sounds miserable. Other people will have seen what he is like and how he treats you. However they won't say anything whilst you are putting up with it.

philautia · 14/05/2023 08:20

If I didn't work and my children had all left home I'd be doing all of the housework and all of the cooking.

If you're retired and he's still working, my answer would be the same. If you're just not working, you're bringing nothing financially into the household and probably he feels very resentful and is taking it out on you instead of sitting down and having a conversation.

JKG7 · 01/11/2023 16:07

Have you talked to him about how you feel? Do you still love him?

LaurieStrode · 01/11/2023 16:19

Starling57 · 14/05/2023 06:42

Thanks so much for your comments. I know it’s not a low mood I’m feeling because I’ve felt like this for a long time. I often wonder what life would be like without him. I don’t work which is a situation we decided upon together. I do look after our home and I also look after grandchildren. It’s just I feel like I’m some kind of slave? He has to live here too and yet it’s as if he’d live in a shit tip if nothing got done. And the physical stuff that I can’t do he just won’t do. There’s an argument or sulking if he has to do anything. Thanks for listening anyway. I don’t have anyone I could talk to about this. Everyone thinks he’s amazing and wouldn’t believe me if I told them what he’s like behind closed doors which is another battle I have.

Why don't you video him or get an unobtrusive webcam you can hide somewhere, so it picks up the audio?

This is your one and only life on planet Earth. You are in the latter third of it already. Why stay? If you split the marital assets, could you manage? Can you seek out a job?

Opentooffers · 01/11/2023 19:20

You can complain and wear it for more decades, or leave, you have choice. Expecting improvement and change after 30 years is unrealistic.

GoodToBeHome · 02/11/2023 06:27

Why don't you get a job then and split household chores evenly?
It seems churlish of you to complain about a bit of housework when it is literally the only thing you have to do, you don't even have children at home to make a mess! There cannot be a full time job's worth of housework to do when only two people live there.
Personally I would be pretty annoyed if I was the one working and my partner couldn't even keep on top of the housework.

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