Prodigal son

[TrixieMixie]

I’d love it if anyone had advice please. I have one brother. Our mother is 87 and recently lost her husband, our stepfather, after 25 years. My brother and I both live a long way from Mum, but all in England and 100s not 1000s of miles. I’ve always visited Mum and stepdad a lot, taken Mum on holidays etc. My brother did not see Mum and stepdad for 7 years. He also has kids who he hasn’t sedn for even longer. Anyway, my stepdad died after a short illness when I was visiting. I planned to stay there for a while to help Mum. My brother turned up for a one ni that visit, his first in 7 years. He had been at Mum’s for a couple of hours when he told me I ought to leave because ‘my mother needs space.’ I was incredibly shocked that he felt entitled to do this and very hurt that Mum did not stand up for me. Any conversation about my stay, which I’d agreed with her, should have been between me and Mum, and he shouldn’t have stuck his nose in. I had cancelled my silver wedding trip to Paris - happily- to stay with her and felt I’d been slapped in the face by him. Anyway. My problem is I don’t want to upset my Mum at such an awful time for her. But I’m really struggling with rage and hurt about my brother. I also will need support caring for her as my husband has cancer and it won’t be possible for me to care for two older adults. I am in my sixties and still need to work too!
No-one except him knows why he didn’t see her for 7 years - no falling out or rows, so far as I can tell he just couldn’t be bothered. Any advice on how to deal with this?
Thank you

You have a lot on your plate and your mother is old and grieving.

I can understand your annoyance though.

Is your brother thinking of his inheritance?

I think your priority is your husband.
You need to contact elder services to help your mum and perhaps arrange a regular shop/home help or encourage her to move into a home if necessary.

But your priority is your husband.

You are also still working.

You can only do so much so please mind yourself.

Gosh, your brother is hardly prodigal! I'm not surprised you're struggling with what happened. I agree with @billy1966, concentrate on your husband and your job - presumably you're working until you receive state pension?

Can you speak to your brother about helping with organising care for your mother?

Thank you. You are right, my husband is my priority. He hasn’t been able to work since he became ill in 2017 and is now 70, I am 61 and no pension until age 67! He has to come first, but I feel responsible for Mum too.
I don’t know if my brother is after his inheritance. In fairness to him he has never seemed mercenary. My mum transferred her house into his and my names in 2009, because it was hers before she married my stepdad. It’s worth about £100k, I have the deed. Mum doesn’t need care yet. She is mobile, can do her own shopping etc and still drives. But obviously that won’t last forever. I’ve organised her a cleaner and I have a great relationship with my step siblings, both of whom live locally to mum and will help. A couple of adult grandchildren are also nearby. But however much they care, she’s not their mum. So I’m gearing up for when she does need a care home or home help.
It’s the emotional side of dealing with my brother I’m struggling with as much as anything. My mum’s attitude is that nothing, including not seeing her for years, is ever his fault. Aaargh.

PS I’m not saying anything against my brother to my Mum, I’m not that daft! I’m venting on here instead!