What should an unfaithful spouse address in therapy?

[Merrymagpies]

Aside from the chemistry, opportunity etc., what questions should a therapist be asking of an unfaithful person who wants to reconcile?

Are you person who has been cheated on?

I assume you feel the therapist isn’t asking the ‘right’ questions?What ARE they asking?

I would imagine if the infidelity was simply a symptom of a marriage in trouble, the goal would be to addresse what factors and actions , thoughts, and behaviors on the part of both parties led to the troubled state of the marriage. Fixing a symptom never cures the problem.

On the other hand if the cheater is an opportunistic cheater
and is not motivated to want to change his or her behavior , then the focus may be on the non cheating
partner and on their willingness to stay in a relationship in which given the opportunity the partner will likely cheat again.

If the goal is to try to stay together for the sake of the children, it may be to get both parties to understand that you can decide to live together for the benefit of the children, but that does not mean that you will necessarily be able to love or care for each other for the benefit of the children. The expected outcome would be both parties recognizing that type may be living together faithfully but without love or affection only with a grudging commitment to be there because of and for their children.

If you are going into therapy to try and somehow "fix" or "enlighten" the cheater, very little is likely to be accomplished. If you are your into therapy to try and fix a troubled and unhealthy relationship during which one of the partners cheated then the spotlight would be on both parties to examine how their actions and omissions led to the current state of their marriage or relationship. There is no victim or abuser in the situation. There are just 2 contributing parties trying to find their way to a better or different place.

Couples counselling and individual for both parties. It is extremely contradictory on all counts! One psychologist has highlighted that it is important to work out why one cheated, not reasons, for example unhappiness as all marriages will go through such periods, but the fundamental part that allowed the lines to be crossed. The other therapist however does not agree with this and therefore there is a bit of a stalemate.

What’s the other therapist saying?

The other therapist is interested in reasons, not why one gave oneself permission to cheat or was happy to lie.

I imagine that different therapists have different theories and ways of approaching it.

The question for you is if you feel their approach could work for you.

The 'wronged' partner (ie the one who has to do all the forgiving) needs to be happy with the approach. So if the cheating partner says 'this is what my therapist says and I'm happy with it, so you just have to put up with it' then I'd question whether they are doing it for the right reasons.

If as the wronged partner you need to have answers to questions that the other person refuses to answer, then they aren't trying to put things right.

the approaches are so different. It’s hard to know which one to follow.

Therapists…people making money out of other peoples misery. You will never get to the bottom of why someone cheats, they prob don’t know themselves. So some complete stranger listening to yo isn’t going to know either.

It’s difficult to tell from your descriptions how the approaches are different. Both seem to be getting at what the underlying emotional needs are that caused the unfaithfulness to happen.

We either deny our needs and end up in internal pain, or accept our needs and get them met through conscious communication with people, or without conscious communication. An affair obv falls into the last camp, but everything is driven by the same underlying needs, wants, desires.

So there’s one issue - what were the underlying needs that the person wasn’t getting met in a conscious way? And the second issue - why did they feel like they didn’t want to or couldn’t consciously communicate to get those needs met?

They’re not contradictory - they’re both important issues.

I’m not sure I’ve understood what you’re saying though, feel free to explain more/correct.

If we go into therapy thinking that we know how and what should be done, why not just heal yourself?
If the sole purpose is to forgive a cheating spouse or to make the cheater penitent that assumes that cheating was the only or the major problem in the relationship. That approach moves you to try and create a symptom without ever touching the problems that made the marriage a troubled marriage prior to or during the cheating episode/s.

We haven’t gone into this thinking g we know what needs to be done. We are aware of problems over a number of years and can see clearly where the cracks appeared. Both parties are culpable for the state the marriage was in and are both redressing this.

However, the therapists seem wildly different in their approaches. One is quite insistent that not being happy or needs not being met is not a sufficient reason and thinks much deeper work is required. In the vein of lots of marriages are unhappy and not everyone cheats. So what is it that makes this person. The other therapist doesn’t really agree. So we feel stuck and not sure which advice we should be following.

@Merrymagpies
Maybe,you can just realize that there are many routes that lead to the same destination and if you don't have to make a choice, just sit back and engage in the journey.

I don’t think it’s appropriate to be in simultaneous therapies. Are you both in couples counselling and then each of you in individual counselling?

That’s 3 processes seemingly conflicting.

Also there is no ‘advice’ to take - there should be exploration and reflection to understand yourself, each other and the relationship.

With these understandings will come feelings of growing or diminishing trust and hope - that’s what should be being attended to because where that is will determine how sustainable the relationship is and if you can come to terms with the affair and accept it for what it was and move on from it or not.

Ah right, so is the first therapist is thinking the unfaithful partner has some deeper anger to address perhaps? E.g. if a man is really deeply angry, maybe he cheated on his wife as a way of taking his anger out? And maybe it’s actually young anger at his mother deep down that he’s taken out on his wife?

I still don’t see how the two views are incompatible. Therapists don’t give advice (or shouldn’t be anyway) so both seem valid lines of exploration to me. It’s not an either/or, you can explore both and see what resonates.

From a recovery from infidelity point of view I’m absolutely team 1st psychologist!

The second will only lead to victim blaming and the betrayed being blamed for the cheating.

The choice to cheat is 100% on the cheater. Many things underpin why someone gives themselves permission to do this and until they understand why they are unsafe.

IMO you need individual counselling betrayed to get over the trauma, cheat to understand why they gave themselves permission to cheat.

Once that is complete couples counselling can help you move forward with your new understanding of yourselves.

Please get yourself to surviving infidelity. The moderators and regular posters there are amazing and will help you unpick this.

They have a reconciliation forum where you can post this question.

Good luck

I would think a male cheater is wrapped up in ego, entitlement, boredom, and FOMO.

I'm not sure there is a therapy-related solution to it.

In my parent's case the female therapist was so charmed by my charming cheating wealthy (therapy bill paying) dad, she decided he was indeed entitled to cheat.

100% it’s on the cheater! Sack the other ‘counsellor’ today.
A marriage cannot make someone overstep their own boundary and morals. That’s why in an unhappy or a happy marriage it’s usually only one person who cheats.

I really like @Mari9999 and @gardendream 's approaches