I don’t know if it’s my personality or maybe linked to my autism but I struggle to make decisions and always need a really balanced pros and cons list. I am currently in a dilemma although really it’s probably fairly obvious what I should do. However, the more people tell me to LTB in indignation, the more I shove my heels in. So, I’d appreciate some kind assistance.
I discovered yesterday via anon message that when I told my partner I was pregnant last year, he took the news badly and essentially went and slept with a couple of other women over a period of a couple of months because I’d ruined his life and he was bitter. He moved out a few months after that but we remained a couple. I discovered that two months ago that two weeks after our daughter was born, whilst he was playing the doting father, he was apparently planning a suicide attempt and because he “didn’t want to make it worse for me” left me abruptly and slept with someone else for a couple of weeks.
At the time of his overdose I essentially knew something was wrong despite not talking, went to his house where he was in a state. He cried and begged for me to take him back and since then, has been trying hard to be better. He has slipped up by not coming home from the pub when he says he will, an hour later for instance and says it’s because of his ADHD.
He has been making plans for our future etc.
However, I said - I don’t understand how you could do these sorts of things to someone you love - and apparently that triggered another depression spiral and now he is questioning whether he loves me because I’m right. Why would you do that. I have previously excused his behaviour because he does suffer from severe depression and PTSD from an attack 4 years ago.
I can imagine you are reading this and thinking, are you stupid? Is this not obvious? Well - yes, it is - he brings nothing. But…I love him incredibly deeply, so deeply it physically hurt when he left. And to my not very normal brain, that overrides anything and everything. The logical side of me knows that’s stupid, but the little lost girl clings on to the fact that I adore him despite his huge faults.
I cannot bring myself to end it and ask him to leave. Even the idea that I don’t want my daughter to grow up seeing this as the ‘model’ relationship isn’t enough. I’m crying as I write this, I love her more than anything so why can’t I take the right steps and make the right decisions.
thank you for reading