Fun nights out together or not?

[Notparticularlyslappable]

Morning. I'd like to guage some opinion on a recent debate with my partner. I'm male early 40s. She's female mid 30s. We're both very active and social and enjoy all sorts of activities from family bbqs to 3am nights dancing in a Berlin night club. We have a handful of small kids between us.

Within the past year she's joined a mostly female sports club and they have been having regular drinking/dancing nights out which seem to end up pretty late and messy. I'm pleased for her and very supportive.

Also within the past year some younger people at her workplace have been organising nights out that seem to end up very similar.

The upshot is she's out with one group or another probably once a month or so having a great time.

So, what's the problem?...

I've been feeling a little miffed and left out recently, as prior to these group nights starting we went out probably every month/6 weeks and had a messy night out of our own, usually with mutual friends. This has now stopped as she doesn't have the time, money or inclination. We still do family bbqs, quiet meals out, etc. which is lovely but I feel I've been cut off from the fun stuff.

During a conversation about it she said most couples go out getting drunk separately on girls and boys nights out, and I'm unreasonable to feel excluded.

I certainly don't want her to stop seeing her friends but I feel I've been boxed up and labelled now as 'domestic partner/family activities', whereas I still definitely want to be in the 'fun nights out' box too!

I'm not sure where to go with this. For the record I have some great friends of my own, but for various reasons none of them are out out kind of people, and my workplace is mostly older men who are pretty geographically spaced out, so not interested in anything social.

This isn't an aibu, but am I unreasonable to feel a bit sad about this? Do most couples have their 'out out' nights apart? Feel free to give me a kicking if it sounds like I'm just having a pity party.

I've read a few threads from women in your position, OP. It's usually something that happens the other way round.

The general consensus is that it's important to have nights out with friends but also equally important to do that with a partner.

It's not much of a relationship if you're only in the domestic/family box.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all & I would feel exactly the same in your position. It’s unfair that now she has a better offer you have been relegated to the ‘domestic’ bucket.

What is is she likes about the nights out? The fact that it’s a larger group? The fact it’s all women?

Are you able to join any of these nights out?

Im not sure what the solution is but I wouldn’t be happy with this new dynamic & your partner is being unreasonable just expecting you to be ok with it.

Um, no, we are the couple who is out clubbing in Europe together until 4 am😂

He's my favourite person to do this with, and in our age group (late 40s) most friends are too married or too busy or too boring to enjoy the music we do.

I'd sulk if i wasn't the one my DP wanted to share those things with.

I'd sulk if i wasn't the one my DP wanted to share those things with.

Me too. We prioritise fun nights out with each other .... that doesn't mean we don't do them with friends but our first choice of company is each other.

I did suggest I could join the work group as its mixed sex and age but she didn't want to be that one who brought her partner out, and I do get that.

I think she just enjoys the large group dynamic without having to worry what your partners doing or if they're having fun. A little frustrating as I'm very social on a night out and never the quiet guy in the corner. The times in the past we've been out with her old friends I've fitted in really well and we've all had a blast.

Thanks for your views. I feel a little vindicated for my feelings now and confident to broach the subject again without feeling like a sulky brat.