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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I get my DH to step up?

2 replies

GreenDayTune · 13/05/2023 03:01

In the years I've been with my DH he has been studying towards a qualification for the last 5 years. Covid came and it knocked him off track. He then had to carry out an additional element to qualify but wasn't able to do it due to his employer not giving him the time to do so. Because of this he has to find a new employer so he can do it but only looks for a few weeks then stops for months on end. Unsuccessful interviews dishearten him then that's it.

He has now said he doesn't think he wants to qualify and is rethinking his career as the sector environment isn't for him. Nor are most customer focussed roles as he's sick of dealing with people. He has no clue what he wants to do but it would be entry level again.

I've found myself quite annoyed with him and I'm biting my tongue because it seems like he's depressed - although he won't seek help. But I'm ready to snap. I've been the "breadwinner" our entire relationship but I'm on maternity leave. When I go back it'll be full time when my job has been stressful in a complaints role that has led to multiple staff members needing time off with burnout. I'm always carrying the mental load and still he expects me to ask him to do specific around the house like I manage him. I'm overwhelmed at the thought of going back to that full time job with an additional child especially as my intention was to drop down to 4 days to focus on my own retraining now and a healthier work/life balance. Instead, years on with kids, we are still focused on him and are back at square one without a thought about my career. When do I get my turn for him to step up and earn more to support my goals? Or is it just selfish of me to think that way?

We have discussed it and he agrees but it doesn't change.

How the hell do I get him to see he needs to sort it out?

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 13/05/2023 03:21

I think you need to give him some time and space to sort his life out. Perhaps live separately for a while once you go back to work. You can’t change him, or make him sort out his life. But you don’t have to support him and provide a maid service. It’s unlikely that he will do anything differently if he has you to manage all the difficult aspects of life.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/05/2023 03:29

I’d work out if you would be entitled to any benefits as a single parent and think very carefully about whether this is the best option for you.

If while you are thinking you realise that you are doing all the housework and child care I’d definitely call it a day.

You are not being remotely selfish. He is a Nan child who expects everyone to be supporting characters in his life.

If he is at heart a good man he will step up and you will be able to successfully co-parent together. If he is not then you are definitely better off.

Im sorry. It’s really hard when you realise that all they care about is themselves.

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