Close family and friends dislike each other

[Sandrina78]

I’ve made the mistake of venting to my friends about how difficult my cousin can be to me. She can be very hard work but lives down the road so we socialise a lot and bluntly are also very close / loyal to each other (other than annoying each other something chronic …) - she is close family and we were brought up together.

my friends also vent about their siblings and boyfriends and I let them do so, obviously I’m always polite to their (bf and siblings’) faces after.

Anyway back to cousin… because we live so nearby, we often end up doing similar social activities.

I have booked a table at a pub this week for an activity and a few close friends are coming, plus my cousin who asked what my plans were that night. Key context here is that while I do vent about her, she has never been anything but pleasant to my friends, and vice versa.

I mentioned to my friends that as it was a more the merrier vibe (about 8 coming), she would probably be there with friends.

they have asked if she’ll be at the table as they don’t enjoy her company much and don’t think she’s a nice person… which feels quite pointed and personal.

she’s already invited now so do I cancel her invite? Apologise to them? Suggest we do something different? I’m quite annoyed at how they have spoken about someone who is a close family member to me - I would never dream about insulting their other halves or relatives to their face, but would and have listened to them vent…

Oh I would feel the same. It sounds like they're being quite nasty actually. Possibly jealousy?
I wouldn't draw too much attention to it. We're all allowed to vent about our nearest and dearest! She's coming. You're very close. That's it!

Have they had separate run ins with her as you all live close? TBH I can't imagine bitching about someone I'm close to with my friends especially when they are all local and will be at the same social engagements. Your friends don't sound very nice but then neither do you as you seem to enjoy sitting around bitching.

my friends aren’t independently close with her (they only know her through me and haven’t spent time together without me there) and no we don’t sit around bitching…

she can be really difficult when it’s us 1-2-1 but at the end of the day we love each other and I’m close with her. She’s also good fun on a night out and has only ever been nice to my friends.

Everyone is allowed to vent but I feel like they have used my venting as an excuse not to invite her and while I get that I should have perhaps held back, I think they’ve taken it a bit far and I’m not sure whether to apologise or suggest they do something else instead of go to the event or what!

I'm afraid your bitchy chickens have come home to roost.

You only have one option. "look, esteemed colleagues, I know I said horrible things about my cousin but I didn't really mean them, okay? She's actually more like a sister to me and I was being a bit of a cow and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't grass me up make an effort to forget everything I said"

In future, don't vent to outer circles about inner circles.

(Most of us got over that when we were teens bitching about our parents.)

They’ve heard endless moans about how awful she is. And now they don’t like her much.

Not surprising is it? It’s of your making and no one else is to blame.

Cheers merryhouse

whrre does the buck stop then? They need to stop telling me about things their siblings / boyfriends have done?

Well, you’re the one with the issue, though. I do find it quite odd that you vent endlessly about how awful this person is and then expect your friends to deal with her being inflicted on them when they want to have fun. I mean, do you expect them to disbelieve or discount everything you’ve ever said?

I don’t vent endlessly. I just occasionally find them difficult and vent to my friends about them (we spent a long time living together). But certainly not endlessly, we often have good patches of time with no conflict.

YABVU. You've bitched about your cousin to your friends, and you admit she can be difficult. Your friends have listened to you and may actually be feeling protective of you and don't want this cousin to join the group. They sound like good friends to me.