Bereavement **trigger warning** trauma childhood

[Jellyheadbang]

Hi, I recently lost a parent who was an addict and chaotic and it was a conflicting and difficult life and subsequent death .

I have now lost the other parent who was abusive and neglectful and it has been a huge factor in my life being very hard, the physical neglect has left me with lifelong difficulties and the emotional and physical abuse has also taken its toll and made life, relationships very hard.

I have lost a relationship with my siblings because of the way we have all processed this. My mental health, physical disabilities and neurodivergence makes it hard for them to understand or relate to me.

So I am 'grieving' alone. Or not grieving, numb, upset, head hurting, confused and conflicted.
I feel utterly bereft as I did when my parents were alive and I spent a lifetime grieving what they couldn't be.
I went to one of their funerals last year, I'm not sure I can face another one this year.

Despite me originally being the person trying to pre emptively plan this funerI'mnd sort the Care of this parent, I'm not sure I'd even be welcome or if my mental health can take another battering from my siblings.

they were estranged from each other but now reunited since parent became unwell.

I feel I've naturally slipped into the enemy position, (previously held by the recently deceased parent) once they decided to forgive and forget the horrors of our past , possibly my imagination but the way they've spoken to me leads me to beleive this.
The whole thing feels a clusterfuck. i fought really hard to keep this parent safe against my siblings' will and It's been horrible so once they were safe I felt able to step back for my own sanity and so I can effectively parent, work etc .
I disengaged altogether and another family member has informed me of the passing.

I had advised the carers of our family estrangement and asked to be contacted directly if anything happened but they didn't.

I feel extremely damaged by my parents, it seems to go away for some people when the abuser dies or becomes seriously ill but for me it hasn't gone away.
acits been horrendous seing them ill and dying.

If I could just fake being nice and hypocritical and not be sensitive to hurtful words I could just get on with the mourning, help with planning etc without feeling not only numb and bereft but also awkward and weird.
And now being awkward and ramble on here!
Sorry!

Has anyone ever not attended a funeral of an abuser and not regretted it?
I can't work out if my ego is at play or my self preservation

It feels too soon after the other one, too raw to face up to all that trauma again and to face the other family members who have also been a part of that trauma.

I didn’t attend either of my parents funerals. Never regretted it. I’d gone NC several years before as they were so awful about me and to me and I didn’t want my dc influenced in any way by them.
Recently found out a sibling had died. No effect on me, he was horrible.
I knew if I attended first parents funeral the other parent and sibling would gang up on me and I wasn’t going to be humiliated and insulted in front of other people ( they’d done it before)
I’m really sorry you’re going through so much. Would speaking to someone in RL help? You can always call the Samaritans, don’t even have to give your name. I don’t know much about this organisation but they might be of help
https://napac.org.uk/

Always remind yourself you’ve done nothing wrong, you’ve tried your best with everyone and if they can’t accept you that’s their loss.
And if you can’t face a funeral you don’t have to. Look after yourself because you matter.

Thank you for such a lovely response. I got the full fear after posting, they make me so anxious. I've been on eggshells around the lot of them my whole life and taken multiple punishments for my own misdemeanours and they allowed me to feel guilt and responsibility that wasn't mine either. I've been a soft touch and this episode has really opened my eyes to do much.
I agree I must talk to someone as was having dark thoughts Earlier. I really can't afford to slip under. I've worked really hard on my mental health.
Thanks for the reassurance re the funeral. It was v hard to attend the first one. One sibling didn't attend and it wasnt well received. I respected the decision and my reasons were partly to appease grandparents and get some closure ( divorced and remarried parents so half siblings).
I didn't want my dc impacted either hence making final cuts years ago but it crept in more recently and I hated it.
The cruelty from the newly departed parent makes me less inclined even as a duty attendance. I guess i can't make any decision until I know if I'm invited!
I will try samaritans and nacap Thanks x