Can you ever recover from emotional abuse?

[TheWeekDay]

I’m struggling so badly after separating from my STBXH about a year ago. We are still in the same house while finances get sorted but hopefully nearly there as he has finally instructed a solicitor.

I have had the support of a counsellor and Women’s Aid who tell me he was (is) emotionally abusive. Stuff like blaming me, never saying sorry, calling me crazy, stonewalling, silent treatment.

I filed in the end after he had barely spoken to me for 3 weeks because I was annoyed he had ignored me completely when I was talking about how stressed I was trying to sort childcare arrangements. When I desperately arranged a counselling session he said I was a bully and an abuser and had been awful to him for years.

He hasn’t spoken to me or even looked at me since. Even in front of the DC.

I am struggling so badly now wondering if he was right. If it was my fault. If I should have tried harder. If I should have stayed anyway because I am so unhappy now that it couldn’t have been worse. Soon we will be in separate houses but then I will be without DC half the time. Imm

Not sure what I’m looking for here really but I’m so tired of just surviving each day and I don’t know what else I can do to feel better. I feel like I have ruined my life.

I guess I’m just looking for some support. Thanks for reading.

You can and you will recover. And it will make you stronger. You have absolutely done the right thing and it will get better.

You are probably in the worst phase now because you are processing what’s happened and it’s still emotionally raw. It takes time. You need to trust yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

I was in an abusive marriage for about a decade (well it was really only abusive for the last four/five years). I am happier now on every single measure and don’t have a moment’s regret. But at the time it was incredibly painful and it too at least two years to start to feel happy.

Hang on in there, the darkest hours are before the dawn.

You can and will feel better than you do now. I can’t imagine worse than having to live with someone who should be in the past, it must be incredibly difficult. By ignoring you he’s still sending his negative messages to undermine you.
Start planning for when you’re free of him — even if it’s eating ice cream in the bath, cracking open a bottle of champagne (or Cava) on your first truly free night.
I think now is the most difficult time for you but the end is in sight.
( and no, no matter what you’d done, if you’d been a millionaire Miss World who owned a brewery he’d still moan and pick faults, because the sort of arsehole he is)

I don’t know what else I can do to feel better

Be on your own side. Have your own back. You're bound to feel like crap if you're not even backing yourself up.

Your life isn't ruined. It's a life, just like anybody else's. It's different daily, and relationship breakups don't mess people up for ever. Work on finding out why you're feeling this way, as if you might have actually been at fault. It might help to look at your relationship with your parents, and their relationship with each other.

It might also help to remove blame, and just think about what makes you happy and what doesn't, and what makes him happy and what doesn't. If you made each other happy, you wouldn't be in this position, so surely it's better for both of you to be separate, without any need for finger pointing?