"However the rest of the time I was good."

[BlastedPimples]

My dcs don't want to see stbxh. But he's pressuring them to see him. They are 18, 16, 14 and 10.

He's a nasty piece of work imo and it would seem they think so too.

He is prone to hysterical rages, mostly directed at me and he has assaulted me twice. The last time my dc thought he'd killed me. He will be prosecuted for that last assault.

He's been verbally abusive to them too and it turns occasionally physically abusive too. Think picking up a child by their clothes and hissing menacingly in their face, for example.

So he's out of the house. Being a dick through the divorce and living with his new gf who was of course ready and waiting for the last eight months.

He's desperate to see the dcs. They simply don't want to see him for now and he bombards them with greeting cards, pleading forgiveness, saying they're being too harsh etc.

His latest rationale is that whilst he has behaved badly, can they please forgive him (again) as he's got a great therapist, new meds, was suffering from depression and he has ADHD. The dcs just scoff at this.

I know abusers aren't abusive all the time. That's how they keep you dangling.

I mean, sometimes he was pleasant, fun, generous but we were always wary as we all knew what he was prone to do.

Do all good deeds get cancelled out by hideous rage and violence?

The teenagers are certainly old enough to make their own decisions and probably the 10-year-old is too. If they don’t want to see him, that’s absolutely fair enough. I don’t blame them. Can they block him?

Being ‘pleasant, fun and generous’ to your kids aren’t ‘good deeds’, they’re basic parenting.

Your children sound like they have a lot of common sense. Please support all of them, they're quite right.

Do all good deeds get cancelled out by hideous rage and violence?

Yes

Sorry, I know that was very blunt. It just took me back. Sometimes some posts can absolutely drown you in your own memories and you feel that you ought to reply, so just get something out and it is harsher than intended.

They have experienced enough of him to know their own minds. They may change them, but they've been through a lot with what they have witnessed and been victim to. Just support their decisions, it the best thing you can do. I'm sorry to hear about your experiences and wish you all the best.

Do all good deeds get cancelled out by hideous rage and violence?

Being a good parent isn't a good deed it should be the bare minimum of being a parent

And I can't think of a single good deed that wouldn't get wiped out by thinking that your dad had assaulted your mum so violently you thought he had killed her

Their focus needs to be on recovering from trauma and trying to access counselling. Not being forced into a relationship with the person who caused that trauma.

Be proud of them OP. They aren't willing to take his shit any more and can tell its his usual bullshit. OK the 10 yo might just be copying the older ones, but the older ones are sensible.

He's physically and verbally abusive, is any action being taken for that? Do SS know?

Well done on getting you and the kids out.

Do all good deeds get cancelled out by hideous rage and violence?

Yes. Because good behaviour counts for nothing when everyone present knows there is a constant potential for rage and violence just below the surface.

Nice to see a man get meted out his comeuppance. I hope your children never feel pressured to see him again. Evil twat.

And I can't think of a single good deed that wouldn't get wiped out by thinking that your dad had assaulted your mum so violently you thought he had killed her

This sums it up pretty well.

Your DC are very mature, you should be proud of them. They have their dad sussed out and are expressing a wish to put up excellent and sensible boundaries around abusive people. You should absolutely respect their wishes to confirm to them that they are right. This will help them to have confidence in their decisions around dhealthy relstionships and keeping safe for the rest of their lives.

Abuse goes in cycles. It starts with grooming/love bombing and often escalates to the abuse you have described. After that, it often reverts back to the grooming stage, and it all starts again m- ending again the physical abuse. Your ex apologising and trying to gain sympathy and "make it up" to the children has gone back to the grooming stage. Your kids aren't falling for it and neither should you.

Well done on getting him out, I imagine it was (and is) very hard.

ending again in* physical abuse

Sorry for the typos...my phone 🙄

Yes. I do support them. I tell them if they do ever want to see him, the younger ones can only see him under supervision. And the two older ones should just never meet him alone.

But I have to be very careful in terms of parental alienation. He's accusing me of that. His solicitor appears to agree with him too. Heigh ho. Lots of his abuse is recorded so he can try and deny as much as he likes.

His solicitor appears to agree with him too.

He would, wouldn’t he? I would laugh if this wasn’t so serious.

Well done for wanting to be fair, OP. But your DC are absolutely right and can see through his efforts to reel them in. I’m glad you’re supporting. Try telling a child who’s seen their mother being attacked, that she’s trying to alienate the child from that nice loving man who beat her up.

His solicitor is woman but I guess she's being paid to serve her client's best interests.

I think I am more afraid of what he will do. He's very clever and sly.

For the dcs, it's a very straightforward rejection and I support them in that. I don't have contact with him either.

But I am anxious for what lies ahead. Very hard times financially because that's the only means of bullying he has left.

He still has to pay maintenance for DC whether he sees them or not. It’s the support they’re entitled to, not a payment for their company as some men seem to think!

I hope your divorce is soon completed, OP, with the best possible financial settlement for you and DC. And I hope he then disappears from your life.

You all have been through huge traumas perpetrated by your xDH.

The priority for your DCs long term emotional well-being and MH is to recover from this sustained long term harm. Even if they don’t show it on the outside (yet) they will likely be experiencing internal distress, turmoil and cPTSD.

Think that you all need to understand not to get caught in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) around this man.

You all need to put in as much physical and emotional distance as possible.

You are not responsible for any ‘parental alienation’ he did that himself by your DC experiencing and witnessing his violence.

The more you teach them about healthy relationships, boundaries, self respect and dignity the more they will instinctively know to keep themselves safe and away from this perpetrator.

I am concerned that YOU are listening to him and considering his claims / excuses as having any validation. Are you getting professional help for the horrors you have experienced?

Solicitors are mercenaries paid for by your bully ex husband. Your children are old enough to say no.

On money, I don't know what the state of play is there. But if you are doing equity splits or housing, then one way of handling this is to ask for equity and money for housing to lessen the biggest financial burden (btw don't tell the reason) which makes maintenance less of an issue.

Btw parental alienation has just been given a lot of criticism by the head of the family court and so called experts. I would make sure that you do not play this game - about the only child you have is 10, where a court might consider making a change. The rest of the children are just too old.

Reckon your ex knows 4 kids that don't see him a serious social shame. Publicly PA is all he's got to not look like a real horror.

Oh yes. I'm really anxious and believe what he says about what lies ahead for us.

He's hidden a lot of money or squandered an awful lot of money and accrued a lot of debt over the years without my knowledge and has left us in financial dire straits.

He tried to collect the dcs from school earlier this year but the school had seen a recording of some verbal abuse and refused to release them to him, only to me. He then took some ibuprofen and says he attempted suicide. Hospital stay etc. So now everyone is convinced he's a victim, abused by me and totally misunderstood.

Whereas in reality he's a violent, abusive, fundamentally dishonest, adulterous thug.

You need a good solicitor of course but you can ensure he pays the debt, but take more from any assets to deal with the money issue.

Your children are going to be fine. They are at the age where they can speak for themselves and you know that "my crazy ex" is hard to maintain with four kids.

Brace yourself for a foolish girlfriend at some stage who will listen to all of it and think "poor him".

Oh the girlfriend is already there. Had been since summer of 2022. He's living with her and claiming rent costs on his form E that are more than the rent for her entire flat.

She obviously knows nothing of the truth and has been fed the DARVO sob story like all his friends and family.

Given the assault is there scope for a no contact order? My friend was subject to similar. When the criminal case came to court, the judge imposed a permanent no contact order. Any breach at all, even indirect contact the police were involved.

No good deeds outweigh the need for your DC to be protected from abuse. He has been abusive to them with the shirt grabbing and hissing etc, as well as what he did to you.

'So now everyone is convinced he's a victim, abused by me and totally misunderstood.'

Don't be too sure of this. Other people will have seen through his nonsense too, they may just be keeping it to themselves

What a horrific ordeal this man has put you and your kids through. How fantastic that they see through his bullshit and are done with him, at least for now, and so great to hear that you support them

The absolute nerve of him to even suggest 'parental alienation' after almost murdering you in front of them. It's just sickening. Sadly his new girlfriend will have to find out the hard way what a scary person he is