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Original poster

Alcoholic and depressed ex refusing to pay child maintenance

27 replies

Rockingchai · 12/05/2023 12:39

I left my ex 2.5 years ago. He is an alcoholic. He initially refused to pay any maintenance until I made an application to the CMA. Since then he has paid, but about 70% of the time is late and does not pay until I have sent one or two emails asking for it, which is stressful.

He stopped drinking for about 10 months so everything improved - but has now relapsed and has been late paying again. This month he emailed saying he is ill, will not pay and to “back off”.

I am aware from his mum and friends that he is now “severely” depressed and off work. I know he will be receiving full pay for 6 months however.

I am today being asked by his mum and his friend to stop asking for money when he is ill. Yesterday I had already reported a missed payment to CMS. I have decided not to communicate with him about money at all, any more, only through CMS.

I need this money m. He earns much more than me and contributes nothing to the care of our son. It is his moral obligation anyway. However there is a niggling worry that he will commit suicide or become even more depressed (ie drink even more heavily, although his mum and friends never like to mention the drinking part of the situation!). And I will be blamed for having got the CMA onto him when he is at his most vulnerable.

Help me sort out my thoughts please.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 12/05/2023 12:40

You are not responsible for him. He is responsible for his son. He has money coming in and no reason why he can’t or shouldn’t contribute

maranella · 12/05/2023 12:44

Keep chasing him through CMS. If you know he's on full pay for six months he can bloody well keep paying, alcoholism, depression or no. He had DC and they are his responsibility as much as they're yours. Please don't fall into this arch manipulator's trap of not chasing him out of fear he'll harm himself. If he does that, it's on him, not you. And if he doesn't harm himself (and they almost never do), then you'll just feel a mug for not chasing. None of this is your fault OP. He has a legal and moral obligation to help support HIS child and he's shirking that responsibility. What's his excuse for not paying anyway? This money should be on a standing order, so no bother to him, it should come to you automatically.

qqq82 · 12/05/2023 12:45

I am having the exact same scenario
Depressed ex , alcoholic, now banned for drink driving, refusing to discuss mediation and I've just now discovered he has blocked me
Well he will get zero sympathy from me.
Our son comes first .

AHugeTinyMistake · 12/05/2023 12:46

If you were sick, would you make sure your child was fed and clothed or would you leave them to starve?

Giving you money really is the most low effort parenting required - you do everything needed with that money, he doesn't have to buy clothes, make dinners, take to nursery/school, work on reading or homework, pay bills.

If his mum doesn't want you to ask him for money then perhaps she should arrange to pay you from his accounts so her GC doesn't go without! I bet he manages a DD for internet. Surely to God she could set up a standing order.

AP5Diva · 12/05/2023 12:47

It’s up to you really. If you think chasing him ups the risk of suicide too much, it might be better to have CMS allow a debt to accrue to be paid back later when he is well enough to be working again.

I don’t say this out of caring for him but rather the realism of if he does kill himself, then all CMS will stop. So, thinking long term what is best for your child here rather than short term.

Theunamedcat · 12/05/2023 12:52

Just leave it with child maintenance honestly his fucking family telling you to back off asking for money 🙄 are they so concerned about the welfare of your child? Whst are they doing to help the situation? How is it helping him if they constantly enable him and turn him into the victim in a mess of his creation?

Gettingbysomehow · 12/05/2023 12:56

What would he do if you weren't around and he had to look after your child? Too many men are let off because of whatever they choose as an ailment.
The tax office would not be at all lenient if he owed them money I can assure you.
The money would have to be paid regardless. Don't feel guilty it isn't your problem. My ex always had some kind of excuse and never paid a penny while I had to look after DS regardless of what I was feeling.

Lovingitallnow · 12/05/2023 12:57

Surely you will stop asking for money once you have it? Like there is one sure fire way to stop you asking or "hassling" him for the money he owes you.

Badbudgeter · 12/05/2023 12:58

You’re not responsible for his actions. You are responsible for ensuring your dc are living the life they are entitled to by law. If he doesn’t pay the mandated minimum report him to cms he will pay the minimum plus a % for being an arse.

Do you imagine your landlord/ power company/ credit card company would back off if you told them you were feeling ill and not paying this month?

Your dc haven’t suddenly become free.

Also he’s not going to change and start paying of his own free will. If you fall for this now it will always be a thing he can’t possibly cope with. Line in the sand; he earns he pays. Doesn’t want to deal with you then CMS. Cms may or may not get you any money but at least you’ll know you tried your best for your dc.

WheelsUp · 12/05/2023 12:58

If I was his family then I'd be relieved that he had less money to spend on booze tbh.

Good idea to leave it to CMS.

Namechange224422 · 12/05/2023 12:59

I’d reply to his mum and ask her to support him to set up a standing order for the money on the day that he gets paid so that you never need to ask for it again.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/05/2023 13:00

I would get cms to collect.

I would not let him off the hook. Your child deserves that money.

Viviennemary · 12/05/2023 13:00

I wouldn't chase an ill depressed person for maintenance.

Tiddlywinkly · 12/05/2023 13:11

Yeah, I'd do what you're doing and chase via CMS. He's still responsible for his dc.

UsernameNotAvailableNow · 12/05/2023 13:11

Viviennemary · 12/05/2023 13:00

I wouldn't chase an ill depressed person for maintenance.

So what happens when mum gets depressed? Just let the kid starve?

You're doing the exact right thing OP. You're not responsible for him, but he is responsible for maintaining provisions for his son.

If his family are so concerned they can bloody well help out.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 12/05/2023 13:13

He's not going to kill himself because he has to pay a (probably inadequate) contribution to the raising of his son. Block his friends and family and continue to push.

EL8888 · 12/05/2023 13:14

AHugeTinyMistake · 12/05/2023 12:46

If you were sick, would you make sure your child was fed and clothed or would you leave them to starve?

Giving you money really is the most low effort parenting required - you do everything needed with that money, he doesn't have to buy clothes, make dinners, take to nursery/school, work on reading or homework, pay bills.

If his mum doesn't want you to ask him for money then perhaps she should arrange to pay you from his accounts so her GC doesn't go without! I bet he manages a DD for internet. Surely to God she could set up a standing order.

All of this. He’s a joke and so are his family. They aren’t bothered about his son as l noticed his mum didn’t offer to contribute. Instead she’s making excuses and enabling her son

Parenting often has to be done when you’re ill and he’s opting out so you need to do it. I have newborn twins and was ill last week, l still had to look after them though

Kugela · 12/05/2023 13:19

This is exactly what CMS is for. By using CMS it will avoid any need for arguments or emotional blackmail from your ex’s family and friends.

If your ex did kill himself or die from alcohol related illness it will not be because you asked him for CM. None of this is your fault. You have no reason to feel guilty asking for money you are owed from your child’s other parent.

doubleoseven · 12/05/2023 13:26

Ask cms to go to collect and pay since he's unreliable with direct pay. Means you'll lose 4% but he will have to pay an extra 20%.

Thesharkradar · 12/05/2023 13:31

OP, your duty is towards your son, you have no duty towards this man, keep chasing.

MintJulia · 12/05/2023 13:34

His child still needs feeding. He doesn't get a get out of jail free card because he's hit the bottle again and is feeling sorry for himself.

Report the missed payments to the CMS.

AllOrNothingSituation · 12/05/2023 13:34

I would never ask my ex for money. Open and cms and leave it to them. But I wouldn’t be asking personally

LadyJ2023 · 12/05/2023 13:37

After a year of battling to get cmp for my son I gave up. Ex had a job and somehow was able to show empty bank accounts etc and still has same full time job now. Anyway eventually I got the lowly offer of 75p a week when son was a year old. Decided had enough and done it all myself for pretty much all of oldest sons 13years. Dont need or want money for a child ex doesn't want to see and doesnt want to pay for. Good luck tho I am sorry ex has his problems but it isn't really your responsibility now tho.Hope you get sorted the way you want it to

SavBlancTonight · 12/05/2023 13:41

I'm always gobsmacked when I read about a man who doesn't pay and the ex is then accused of hounding him when she asks for money. Do people really think that supporting children is optional? I've yet to meet a woman who thinks that.

Just stick with CMS. Don't engage with his family if that's possible, or with him.

quietnightmare · 12/05/2023 13:42

Get cms to collect or allow debt to occur for him to pay when he is back working that's if his pay goes down. Ask his mother to ask him which he would prefer.

As for saying that you need the money, the money is for your child not you