I'm 99% sure my husband is having an online, long distance affair with an old uni friend who lives in another country. I have no proof but I know him well enough (hard to explain on here but I know his signs). He lies a lot and has been caught on dating sites etc before. I used to look through his things but decided when we married three years ago that I had to trust him. Unfortunately for him I know him too well. His behaviour changed about a year or so ago so I suspect it's been at least that long. The thing is, I don't really care. I think I've checked out of the relationship since his behaviour changed. So my question is, what is right for kids in this situation? We have one boy and he's 18 months, so he wouldn't know if anything happened at this stage (he barely sees his dad anyway due to work) but I have been a SAHM (mutual decision) so it would mean I would have to get a job and send my boy to nursery. I know that's ok and it's something we're going to ease him into this year regardless, but I'm getting massive mum guilt even thinking about changing his life so much, I know it can have a big impact on them when things are changed so suddenly. I'd also have to move in with my mum (I know I'm lucky to be able to do that) and away from the village we all love because I can't afford property, especially not here. Obviously the other options are that I just pretend nothing is happening, which feels very unhealthy (it's massively affecting my mood and behaviour around my son which isn't fair), or I talk to my husband and we come up with some sort of cohabiting, co-parenting arrangement so nothing has to change for our son. I still love my husband and we're great friends (he also adores his son) but I'm not in love with him anymore and I feel like the romantic side of things has died even though I love actually spending time with him when that pressure is removed as we have loads of similar interests. I don't know how to navigate this though. I feel like he's too proud to do anything other than a traditional relationship and I feel like he wouldn't cope with us having a secret (hidden from family and friends) open relationship either. I'm not sure if I'd want that anyway or if that would work for our son. But the other option if I do address this is just a traditional divorce, and I hate the thought of doing that to my son. Even though if someone were in my situation I'd tell them separated, happy parents are much better than the parents he has now and I know divorce is the right option for many people and nothing to be ashamed of. But it always feels so different when it's your own family at risk. How do I know what's right? And what if my husband falls apart on his own (he's very emotionally reliant on me and having his family unit) and that impacts our son's development and life? We also both want another child. I know it seems insane, but should we do that first? Is that awful for the second child or is that good for everyone as long as they're loved, which they absolutely would be by us all? How do I even go about proving an affair in the first place when I'm pretty sure he's carefully wiping his whole laptop every night? Has anyone else out there been in a situation even vaguely similar to this? Any kind help and advice very welcome because I'm lost and want to do what's best for my little boy, and if that means putting my own happiness aside and just getting on with it then I will do it in a heartbeat because he's everything to me.
P.S just to say, I know it probably seems weird that I'm worrying about my husband coping but, even though I don't agree with the way he's dealt with things, I do know that a lot of his behaviour is a coping mechanism. He's a very intelligent but troubled man from a highly strung family and I honestly think he has a lot of mental health problems that need addressing by a therapist, but he won't see one. I worry that he's the sort of man who is prone to suicide if not handled properly so I'm very eager to make sure I do the right thing here for everyone's sake.