Living a half life

[lacucarachaaa]

Just that really. Dh left for work earlier and I'm still in bed and just burst into tears. I'm so alone even though I'm married.

There's no intimacy, I sometimes try to hold his hand but I feel like he's not comfortable with me touching him. We have two under 5s and only mid 30s.

I just feel so sad, he would never leave because our house and the lifestyle he has is too easy for him. he's condemning me to a half life where the only fulfillment and joy comes from the little ones, and I don't want to break up the family. I don't know why it's hit me so hard this morning, I'd just love to have someone who woke up and held me for a bit.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that - I really feel for you. Being lonely in a marriage is so much worse than any loneliness you feel when single (in my experience anyway). Do you have emotional intimacy and connection with your DH, even though there isn't physical?

If your DH is mid 30s, I hate to say this, but the pattern I have seen with some men is that if no intimacy is a personality trait, it tends to get worse rather than better as they get older.

My DH and I are late forties and there is no physical or emotional connection or intimacy. He ignores me most of the day (unintentionally, I am just not on his radar), and if I ever express any needs of my own he is surprised or annoyed. It's almost like I don't exist. I too feel like I am living a half life, but scared of splitting up as the financial situation would be difficult, not to mention the impact on our DC. Same with my DH, he would never leave our house or lifestyle as it's too easy for him - I have suggested that we separate but he doesn't want to. I think that I am going to have to leave though at some point however hard - we only get one life, and I can't bear the thought of it being like this forever! I feel stressed and heartbroken most days about it, especially when he is around - it's easier when he's not here.

Do you work? If not, get a job and get your own life too.

He won't leave.
He's condemning you.

He has all the power then?

You say you don't want to break up the family, do you know that the relationship you display between yourselves influences your children's perception of what adult relationships are?

You need an exit plan, even if you never use it.
Return to work.

Make him realise he is a choice, or should be, not your only option.

I do work, it's not a career just a means to an end. I know there's no answer except leaving. Just hits hard now and again. Thank you for your replies x

It's so difficult when your children are so young too. It can be exhausting, and a time when you need support and connection from your DH - if it's not there, it makes everything so much harder.

I felt in no position to leave when my children were young - they are now teenagers, and I now feel stronger, and like it could be possible, but it's still not an easy decision!

You are totally normal for having the feelings you have, and I really hope things get better for you.

My husband frequently flinches when I go to touch him. He doesn't let me cuddle on the sofa for more than a minute or two and then he moves me away. I persevered for 11 years and now I think I am leaving. It doesn't get better.

So sorry for you. Could he be having an affair? My DH was like this and I was so very lonely for years, I buried my head in the sand and focussed on the children only to find he was having an affair and emotionally had checked out of the relationship.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? You shouldn’t have to settle for a terrible relationship. Can you make a change in your life, maybe start studying something or a new hobby? Change jobs and meet new people. If he has checked out of the relationship you should take advantage of it. This means you don’t have to cook a fancy meal for him if all you and the kids want is chicken nuggets. You don’t have to do his washing, or at least leave it as the lowest priority. Go out with the kids on the weekend doing what you want to do. Start making a life for yourself. Start a ‘just in case fund’ he can’t access, so if you want to leave one day you can. I think people often go through periods of life where it feels like we are just going through the motions. Sometimes you just to make a few changes. There is nothing wrong with breaking up the family. Don’t spend your life with someone mediocre!

Is he aware of how you feel? All relationships go through difficult times, but you need to try and talk to get to the bottom of what’s happening it may be that you both have different issues affecting the intimacy.

Try and calmly have a conversation with him about it, or maybe try marriage counselling.

I was the person who pulled away. I ended the relationship when my now ex-H asked if I still loved him. I had to admit - not the way I should

So we split up. I was a SAHM, so def not easy financially, but we did it.

He went on to marry a woman who can give him the love I couldn't - and I love her to bits.

Although the split didn't seem the best outcome for him at the time, it really was. And our son got to have a step-brother who is just like a brother - they were both around the age of your children at the time, although of course your children have eachother, so this will be less of a consideration.

I would add though that my son once opined "I feel sorry for children whose parents are together - they only get one Christmas and birthday!"

My ex-H was brave and authentic enough to ask the question I couldn't bear to approach. Maybe all you need to do is ask your husband that question and things will begin to become clear.

Lots of love to you.