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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my ex is suicidal

18 replies

NC4tonight · 12/05/2023 01:03

Sorry in advance if this is triggering. I kicked my husband out at the start of the year after discovering he’d been using a swingers site for hook ups and going dogging. He cried and begged and pleaded, saying he had a problem, an addiction, he would get help. As well as this he has always been emotionally unavailable, stonewalling me and sulking when things didn’t go his way.
when I discovered the cheating I lost it. I let everything pour out, I have never felt fury like it. I shocked him by telling him just how shit my life has been with him. He is distraught and yes, he has brought it on himself. He’s a survivor of abuse himself but has always refused to address that, preferring to bury his head in the sand no matter how much I pleaded for counselling.
his own history has made him this way but now he hates himself and I’m scared he’ll do something stupid and the children will blame me because I kicked him out

OP posts:

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 12/05/2023 01:08

How old are your DC?

Can you make sure they know in an age appropriate way that their dad hasn't really been well, and it's caused him to be quite unkind to you so he needed to move out and get help with his illness?

Because having a father going through a breakdown IN the home is bloody awful for the DC. You can't let the worry about his actions sway you into allowing him to stay.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 12/05/2023 01:16

Private message me if you'd like. There are some parallel between our circumstances, but I'm a number of years down the road.

Original poster

NC4tonight · 12/05/2023 06:40

Thanks @OrderOfTheKookaburra
the kids are 8 and 13. I will pm you

OP posts:

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 12/05/2023 07:04

PMed you

Houseupdate · 12/05/2023 07:08

If you think he is in immediate danger then call the police via 999 if you think he isn’t then call his GP and express your concerns, they cant tell you anything but they can listen and pay attention to what you are say.

Original poster

NC4tonight · 12/05/2023 07:42

Houseupdate · 12/05/2023 07:08

i don’t believe he is in immediate danger, but I do think the thought has crossed his mind and may do again.

OP posts:

SavBlancTonight · 12/05/2023 11:28

So he was manipulative, emotionally abusive and unkind. You finally decided enough is enough and you tossed him out. And now he's suicidal?

Sorry OP - I think this is just more of the same emotionally manipulative behaviour he's been doing for years. He's got away with it bu now you're on to him so he has to ramp things up by dropping little hints about how suicidal he is. It's interesting how as a rule, when you hear about someone committing suicide, the narrative is usually, "I know he'd had a tough time but he seemed so much better and we were just out for a lovely day the weekend before" or whatever.

If you're really concerned, or if he says something to you, call the Samaritans or tell him to.

NotLactoseFree · 12/05/2023 11:33

He cried and begged and pleaded, saying he had a problem, an addiction, he would get help.

Has he done ANY of these things? I'm guessing not.

There will probably be a few more things you should expect to come. Here's a check list of possible behaviours:

-- he will blame YOU - you were emotionally unavailable/abusive/unkind/too successful/too involved with the children/didn't give him enough sex.....

-- he will threaten to use a previous action/comment/activity against you, most likely while threatening to "get full custody of the kids" because you are an unfit mother.

-- he will lay on additional guilt trip - he is homeless "do you want the kids to see their dad living in his car?". He is out of work, "how can I work when I am so depressed?" etc etc

-- he will tell you how much he loves and needs the DC, possibly tell them too,.... but will be practically and emotionally unavailable. erratic and unreliable. Distant when he does see them and/or will talk to them inappropriately.

Tell him that unless you see him getting actual help, you don't want to hear any of it.

PollyAmour · 12/05/2023 11:33

He's manipulating you in the worst possible way. If you genuinely think he is going to harm himself, ask the police to do a welfare check.

Freefall212 · 12/05/2023 11:34

SavBlancTonight · 12/05/2023 11:28

So he was manipulative, emotionally abusive and unkind. You finally decided enough is enough and you tossed him out. And now he's suicidal?

If you're really concerned, or if he says something to you, call the Samaritans or tell him to.

The statistics on male suicide and the increase post end of a relationship don't support your personal assumption that it could only manipulative.

The loss of important relationships, and humilating / embarrassing situations, and poor decisions with major negative life implications, and the breakdown of families are all risk factors for suicide.

OP, keep encouraging him to get help. If you are still in frequent contact with someone he is close to (a parent or sibling of his) let them know you are concerned about him. That is all you can do. You can ensure concerns are voiced and encourage help seeking. If he was in immediate danger then calling emergency services would also be beneficial.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 12/05/2023 11:35

Personally I think this is emotional manipulation on his part.

My ExH also pulled this card when we were going through divorce - I didn't believe him ( He was also a manipulator and I was certain he wouldn't actually do anything) and told him to call the Samaritans.

Nothing ever happened - apart from successfully getting divorce and now I have a new life. :)

intothegreek · 12/05/2023 11:44

You need to emotionally detach from this person. Harsh as I'm going to sound he's your EX and NOT YOUR PROBLEM any more. All you need to know is he's of sound mind to have your kids, if he's not, don't send them until he is. Send him the number for Samaritans and wish him all the best. Correspond only about your children.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 12/05/2023 11:47

You are the one person who cannot help him. Literally anyone else is better placed to deal with this. Your priority is creating a loving home for yourself and your children. Don't participate in his manipulation and gaslighting, it would be enabling behaviour and that will do neither of you any good.

AmandaHoldensLips · 12/05/2023 11:55

Another one here agreeing you need to emotionally detach from him. I also second the previous post ^^

User63847484848 · 12/05/2023 12:00

My stbx said this. I think at the time he did sort of mean it as he was just desperate and trying everything but it was also a form of manipulation.
i spoke to a counsellor about it at the time and she encouraged me to see that I am not responsible for his reactions. I started just saying really calmly that I hoped he wouldn’t do that for the children’s sake and to think about how it would affect them, and said that every time he said it I was going to tel his GP. I did phone the GP on one occasion. It seemed to trail off when he realised it wasn’t going to have the desired effect.

SavBlancTonight · 12/05/2023 12:06

I don't doubt the statistics on male suicide - it's horrifying. I do however question someone dropping hints about suicide when that same person has behaved appallingly, manipulated their partner and has shown no desire to solve any problems.

Freefall212 · 12/05/2023 12:54

SavBlancTonight · 12/05/2023 12:06

From what OP has said, it is her interpretation that he is suicidal. It doesn't even sound like he has said that. She is basing it on the fact that he is distraught and hating himself for his decisions. She says "I'm scared he will do something stupid" and "I do think the thought has crossed his mind".

Men can have emotions and feelings. To interpret what is in these posts as him being manipulative about suicide because he is a man with emotions who is struggling when he has (based on the posts) said nothing himself is just sexist assumptions.

And evne if he did mention it, I don't assume that women or men who mention feeling suicidal post a family and relationship break up / poor decision making are all just manipulative assholes.

It isn't her role to make it all better but it is in the best interest of her kids to not deal with the trauma of a parent suicide and so her still having sufficient care and concern (even if only for her kids) to encourage him to get help or to call emergency services (if warranted) or to let a family member know is a good thing. Many people don't want their ex to kill themselves even after bad breakups. And the stats tell us that people do make attempts and die more often in the situations such as Op describes (childhood abuse, family break up, guilt over poor choices, feeling humiliated etc).

FartSock5000 · 12/05/2023 14:33

@NC4tonight he's scum.

He is emotionally abusing you now just like he has all along.

If he tells you he will harm himself, you call 101 and ask for a welfare check. You don't go over there or talk to him or anything else.

If the coward does hurt himself, you can't control how your children will react but you can stop lying to them. They are old enough to know the truth.

Someone who emotionally manipulates and abuses those they are supposed to love isn't a decent person and I doubt he is that great a Dad since he is putting himself first in every instance. Maybe time away from the kids while they adjust is what is best for them and their mental health. Put yourselves first now.

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