I don't know how to fix this

[Lost1111]

Me and DH together for 13 years, married 6. 3 DC, youngest is just 2.

I don't work, because it wasn't affordable after DC with childcare etc. All finances are shared.

We are happy, I thought we were happy. He is, or was I guess, happy. I'm bored, not of him but of my life. I had our first baby quite young and quite quickly. I don't know who I am except for a mum.

Sex has always been a issue, my sex drive is low, his is high. He's never been pushy but it's basically all come to a head now because he feels unwanted and thinks sex is a chore for me. The thing is, it does feel that way. Sex is good when we do it, but I struggle very much to get into it and stay into it. I'm always tired and I just don't want to, and the more I force myself to do it the more uncomfortable I become, and he can tell so he obviously doesn't want to continue. I've apologised, but I don't know how or if I can change.

I have thought for a long time that we won't last and it makes me really fucking sad. I think he would be happier if he got out now, even if he doesn't know it yet. But how do you even do that? We have no family or friends near by either of us can stay with, I don't even have anyone to talk to. We couldn't afford to rent separate places or both buy again if we sold now. We barely get by as it is, and the house needs work. We can't afford or get babysitters for couples counselling. I love him. I know he loves me. But it won't work. What a mess. Please don't be mean, I'm a mess already. What do I do

Why won’t it work?

You have three kids, including a toddler. That is exhausting. On top of that is sounds like you feel like you’ve lost a bit of yourself- you’re not just a mum and a wife, you’re so much more.

Could you look at returning to work now - even if part time, or look at retraining? It could ease your finances and help you regain your sense of self.

Then the two of you need to talk. Mismatched sex drives is hard, but it can be overcome.

You make it sound like he’s suggested he wants to divorce over the sex issue but you don’t say that he has?

Paying for counselling will be much cheaper than divorce and you can do it on zoom these days so if your kids sleep in the evenings you might be able to make it work.

Have you ever worked? If you feel you’ve lost yourself you might find a bit back by getting a job. When will you qualify for free hours for your youngest? You’ll probably have to work if you split up so something to look into anyway.

It’s not clear if you want to break up or if you think he does or if just feels inevitable as you think you’re incompatible. I’m sorry you’re feeling so low.

Thank you both for replying. No he hasn't suggested divorce, and it's not something I want but I feel it's inevitable. I feel like this will always be a huge elephant in the room, and although he thinks things will change as the DC get older, I don't think it will and a huge fear is that he will realise that in 10/20 years and regret staying waiting for change. I worry we have just grown apart as we've grown up together. I guess a bit of me wonders if we are staying together because of circumstances rather then because we want to be.

I did work straight out of school, then had the first 2 babies. I started volunteering when they were at school/nursery, and was getting ready to go back to work when DC2 started school but COVID hit. Then surprise baby and here we are. He should qualify for free hours in September 24 I think. I have been looking at jobs recently, I don't drive which rules lots out.

I didn't even consider counselling over zoom, so thank you for that. I'll look into it

Life with 3 young kids must be tough - no wonder you are in no mood for sex! I think it’s a normal part of life, and maybe I’m wrong, for someone’s sex drive to diminish. It’s such a suffocating feeling when someone has a high sex drive I think it makes us feel a lot of pressure to satisfy them. If aren’t into it, it makes you want it even worse. If you are feeling bored, maybe you could pick up a new hobby? Think about what you’d like to do once your kiddies are a little older and you can work again. What’s your ideal life? What does it look like? Write it down. Believe in it. I think you need to get zesty about life again. Maybe your ideal includes your now husband , maybe it doesn’t. Do you want to leave him? You seem set on this marriage not working out but maybe it can? If you want it to?

It sounds like you are happy but you are worried it won’t work out because of a mismatch on sex drive? Differences in sex drives are very common!

You don’t know what’s around the corner. Sex drives change, and in 10 years time it’s entirely possible that the mismatch is smaller, not there, or even the other way round! A lot can happen in a decade.

Make sure you’ve told him that you have enjoyed the sex that you’ve had with him (if that’s true- from what you wrote that sounds like the case), but that getting into it is hard. I think that’s very understandable!

Would most definitely suggest counselling.

I wonder how much of the care around the children your partner is doing, and how the chores are shared out?

You've had 3 DC quite young and still have a lot of future living to do. I'd say make sure your contraception is watertight as a 4th DC would really cause difficulties as you have found with the 3rd, and its your life that gets more affected by that than your DH's being the main carer.
Would he consider a vasectomy? Could the fear of another pregnancy be putting you off as well maybe? I get the initial can't be bothered, and there were times I'd be consciously ambivalent about sex, but then during I'd always get into it and in the afterglow think, it's a fine thing and wonder what was I hesitating about? If you are less up for it during, its not turning you on for some reason, is there resentment? Hard to tell if its purely libido or underlying issues.
After my son turned 2, I felt an urge to find myself again after being in pure mum mode. It's important for your own balance to find your own identity again as well as being a mother and wife/partner. Think of things you can do just for you, whether it's listening to your own music, being creative, or exercise. Further training and education is a great aim, but it does come at an initial cost, so if money is tight, it might be tricky.

How long have you been in baby/toddler world? The 'real' world (with all kids at school) is very different to the under 5 world, which is tedious dull and boring for a lot of us.

You will not have the same daily routine in five/ten years, things will be very different. Don't write it off due to a dull and shit bit.

You really do sound like a woman whose been stuck in toddlerville for years, it's isolating and leaves you feeling like a dullard.

Start looking forward and formulating a plan for when you're out of toddlerville and back in the world of adults.

3 young children is always going to have an adverse effect on any relationship.

Having three children so young (assume he was in his late 20s max when the first was born, if you were 20?), was always going to batter your finances.

What did he picture in his head before having three children? You’d both raise three children, earn lots of money, and have sex all the time?

I need a slice of his optimism pie.

Sex therapy often starts with intimacy. Take sex off the table. Sensory touching, feathers, massage, stroking, eye contact, matching breathing. Plan date nights, these can be just an hour, at home. But take it in turns to do something nice, lounge picnic, fav board game, hot bath, naked twister, candles and music while talking. Young kids rob you of your sex drive but that won't last forever. Keep the intimacy. Empower him to pleasure himself and talk about it, take time to play with yourself alone, watch stimulating TV. Bridgerton! You're not divorced yet.