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Original poster

Some advice needed

7 replies

RachD90 · 11/05/2023 20:49

I have been in a relationship with my DP for over 7 years and lived together for 5. We have had our ups and downs and I've suffered quite badly with anxiety and self esteem so not always been the best of myself in the relationship either. However I do feel he is rather controlling and being a bit of a pushover I've always just put up with it.. being criticised all the time and not standing up for myself. I feel that we argue constantly about small everyday things and the argument always blows up with him telling me it's my fault we're arguing because I am so defensive. There's been an argument where he punched a wall several times and came with his fists up in my face to intimidate me. Then things will improve slightly and I'll justify all the reasons I should stay (whether it be practical financial reasons or emotional). His family tell me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him but I definitely don't feel that he treats me that way. I've started counselling 6 months ago and I'm starting to cut out some of the negativity from my life in other relationships but can't seem to find the courage to break up with him. I love him but I think I know deep down things are not right and fundamentally we aren't compatible. I guess I am just looking for some advice on how to take that step, and any experiences of leaving a controlling relationship and how your life changed.

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Servalan · 11/05/2023 21:00

Life is too short. Honestly.

What is keeping you together in terms of practicality? Do you have kids together/mortgage or anything like that?

Houseupdate · 11/05/2023 21:03

You’re right to seek advice before leaving an abusive relationship as it’s the most dangerous time for you. Have you sought advice from a domestic abuse organisation?

Shivvy120 · 11/05/2023 21:06

Reading this, it genuinely feels as though I’m reading about my life 10 years ago. I was in a bad relationship like this, it was always ups and downs, the highs were high but the lows weren’t worth it. It took me AGES to leave. I debated it, the life I had imagined and all the years we had spent together…it kept me there longer than I should. This man would do insane stuff like the punching thing, only my car was the victim as opposed to a wall. Actually, it was with the help of my counselor that I left. You are being far too kind to him, and not to yourself . It was only when I left the situation that I realized how dreadful it had been. This life can be a very lonely road if you don’t have someone nice to travel it with. Surely you could work out finances to leave? Are you tied into a mortgage etc?

Original poster
RachD90 · 11/05/2023 21:28

Thanks so much for all of your replies

@Servalan we have a house together and a puppy so it's the logistics of that and the worry of him financially ruining me.

@Houseupdate I have actually spoken to women's aid when things were really bad a few months ago but I almost feel like a fraud as nothing "bad" has happened since then.

@Shivvy120 thanks so much for replying, it helps to hear from someone who's been in the same situation. I feel I should have left long before I have. Can I ask how your counsellor helped - did they just make you realise you deserve more? I could definitely work things out as I have a good job just wouldn't have many savings and I would expect him to fight for all the equity in the house. But I also feel that perhaps it's better to suffer with some money troubles for a while in the hope of a better life.

OP posts:
Shivvy120 · 11/05/2023 21:51

RachD90 · 11/05/2023 21:28

Thanks so much for all of your replies

@Servalan we have a house together and a puppy so it's the logistics of that and the worry of him financially ruining me.

@Houseupdate I have actually spoken to women's aid when things were really bad a few months ago but I almost feel like a fraud as nothing "bad" has happened since then.

@Shivvy120 thanks so much for replying, it helps to hear from someone who's been in the same situation. I feel I should have left long before I have. Can I ask how your counsellor helped - did they just make you realise you deserve more? I could definitely work things out as I have a good job just wouldn't have many savings and I would expect him to fight for all the equity in the house. But I also feel that perhaps it's better to suffer with some money troubles for a while in the hope of a better life.

She simply showed me that it was never going to work , decided it was a toxic cycle that we were in. I was being disrespected and I thought what happens to me next if I don’t stand up for myself? I could never ever do it, I can’t describe it but he was overpowering as a person. I’m so glad I did. Sure I was upset for a while; it did take a good while to get over; but whenever I find myself thinking about it I just remember the nasty things he did, and just now controlling he was. I’m sure him hitting the wall was only the tip of the iceberg in terms of his behavior, and I can imagine how controlling he is! You’ll never regret leaving once you are free

Houseupdate · 12/05/2023 08:14

RachD90 · 11/05/2023 21:28

Thanks so much for all of your replies

@Servalan we have a house together and a puppy so it's the logistics of that and the worry of him financially ruining me.

@Houseupdate I have actually spoken to women's aid when things were really bad a few months ago but I almost feel like a fraud as nothing "bad" has happened since then.

@Shivvy120 thanks so much for replying, it helps to hear from someone who's been in the same situation. I feel I should have left long before I have. Can I ask how your counsellor helped - did they just make you realise you deserve more? I could definitely work things out as I have a good job just wouldn't have many savings and I would expect him to fight for all the equity in the house. But I also feel that perhaps it's better to suffer with some money troubles for a while in the hope of a better life.

That’s the nature of an abuser. If they were abusive all the time there won’t be any chinks of light to cling onto but you are worth more than this.

MumCat2020 · 12/05/2023 23:02

You aren't a fraud and you deserve more. Emotional control is serious. Blowing up over tiny things and causing constant rows is emotional control. You will be happier and more fulfilled by having a peaceful home all to yourself. Good luck

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