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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To leave or stay? HELP

21 replies

OSunt2123 · 11/05/2023 18:37

Me and my partner have 2 under 2
We have been together for 6 years,
He is very different to what he once was, he has 0 friends, little to no life outside of the family home, hobbies etc, he has depression, it's been two years and he will not make any changes to improve his life even with ultimatums.
Hes jealous when I see my friends, so i then feel guilty when I get that break.
He's family don't like me, which is not my fault, and very upsetting for me so he longer sees them as often and it's created a barrier with them and him, which I find very upsetting, it's like in order for him to do stuff with them and my kids I feel very hurt and left out.
He's become a very grumpy old man, and we have no intimacy atall, talking about sex , it being on tv etc, when we do have sex it feels very unnatural and forced as there is no other affection outside of it.
We laugh together, but I know that he will be happier without me, he'll have more time, he can spend more time with his family, I don't feel as if he likes me.
But splitting up my family, is heartbreaking and do I just keep waiting?

OP posts:
wineNcheeseifYplease · 11/05/2023 20:17

Do you want to stay with him? There sounds like plenty of reasons that you'd be justified not to, but if you want to would he be up for counselling? From what you've said it sounds doubtful. You can't fix a partnership on your own. Sorry that you're going through this.

Alwaystheweather · 11/05/2023 20:19

Leave.

Original poster
OSunt2123 · 11/05/2023 20:22

Winencheese

Nope, he won't do counselling
He won't call a dr, I've even offered to do it for him myself. He won't do any of that, he's job is very stressful, causes him many issues he won't change that either, it's been two years of going round and round about changes, he's the king of saying he'll do something and never doing it, I think I'm answering my own question aren't I?

OP posts:
Feetinthemudandleaves · 11/05/2023 20:24

As he will not make any changes then there isn’t any prospect that life with him will improve for you. Cut your losses now and start afresh, otherwise you will still be in the same position in ten years time and life will have passed you by.

wineNcheeseifYplease · 11/05/2023 20:27

OSunt2123 · 11/05/2023 20:22

Winencheese

Nope, he won't do counselling
He won't call a dr, I've even offered to do it for him myself. He won't do any of that, he's job is very stressful, causes him many issues he won't change that either, it's been two years of going round and round about changes, he's the king of saying he'll do something and never doing it, I think I'm answering my own question aren't I?

I think so, sorry

LBFseBrom · 11/05/2023 20:28

Can you manage, financially and otherwise, on your own with two children under two? That must be a consideration before you up and leave.

If the lines of communication are still open, try talking to your partner, calmly, telling him what is making you unhappy and encourage him to do the same while you listen.

You are contemplating a huge step following two years of babies which wouldn't have left room for much else.

Banditdog · 12/05/2023 08:28

You give him an ultimatum to improve his life? What is wrong with his life, having hobbies isn’t essential is it? Also with two young children maybe he does not feel like he needs more outside the home.

Furbfurbfurb · 12/05/2023 08:44

He has depression and he is not trying to get help. Sounds like an albatross to me. You have enough on your plate with two toddlers. You might even find it easier alone.

My uni friend had a bf with depression. Anytime his previous feelings got hurt he would go off grid for two weeks leaving her alone. She was a good looking woman with lots off offers so understandly got tired of being dumped for two weeks whenever it suited him- found a better looking boyfriend. The ex was genuinely surprised and still refers to her as “the one that got away”.

She didn’t just “get away” she sprinted!

He thinks he has you trapped with two kids and will put up with his bs. Just walk away.

Original poster
OSunt2123 · 12/05/2023 08:54

Banditdog

We aren't enough for him, he wants meaningful friendships, he wants to have friends to go out with and he can't get past that to see what's in front of him, me, I'm his best friend... but that's not enough for some, which I understand

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 12/05/2023 09:02

Leave. No way back from this. Appreciate it will be hard with two little kids but start working towards it.

This is no life.

FartSock5000 · 12/05/2023 11:28

@OSunt2123 this isn't love. You may love him deeply and want him to be better for himself but he doesn't look at you the same way.

There is no happy ending here. He isn't going to wake up and suddenly get help, stop being controlling and let you both live full lives.

It's time to let go. You aren't a family. You are a mum and half interested dad plodding along and your poor kids will see this unhealthy dynamic as an example of a relationship and learn all the wrong parts.

You were a whole person before him and you will be after him.

It's time to move on.

Watchkeys · 12/05/2023 11:50

This is who he is choosing to be. It's not who he has to be, and it's not what you have to accept.

Either want him as he is, or leave him. Stop worrying about what he wants and what's 'enough' for him. You both are who you are. Accept that. Work from that basis.

Original poster
OSunt2123 · 12/05/2023 11:55

Watchkeys · 12/05/2023 11:50

This is who he is choosing to be. It's not who he has to be, and it's not what you have to accept.

Either want him as he is, or leave him. Stop worrying about what he wants and what's 'enough' for him. You both are who you are. Accept that. Work from that basis.

This is good advice, I think you are most definitely right. I am responsible for everything in life for all of us, and I can't be for him, it's a put up or shut up situation as I can't make him change only he can. It's annoying, If I wanna do something or change something I'll just do it, so we are clearly not compatabke

OP posts:
MumCat2020 · 12/05/2023 22:55

I posted a very similar thread this evening. Even my teenager asked me if Dad is depressed. Nothing seems to make him happy. I always feel like an inconvenience, the kids, the pets, he just says that he didn't ask for them. I've lost respect for him because he doesn't take control of his own life. I asked him to do life coaching and he has refused. I feel too tired to coach him through or fight for the relationship. Your post just makes me feel like we are fighting a losing battle and hurting ourselves.

Original poster
OSunt2123 · 15/05/2023 18:59

LBFseBrom · 11/05/2023 20:28

Can you manage, financially and otherwise, on your own with two children under two? That must be a consideration before you up and leave.

If the lines of communication are still open, try talking to your partner, calmly, telling him what is making you unhappy and encourage him to do the same while you listen.

You are contemplating a huge step following two years of babies which wouldn't have left room for much else.

Well, it makes sense now
He's been cheating on me
Found out last night.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 15/05/2023 20:35

I am so, so sorry, OSunt. It looked that way but I hoped it was not so. What a blow! I do not understand how people have time for affairs when they have babies. Sheesh.

At least now you know you can make some plans. Take him to the cleaners if you can!

Good luck.

Definitelynotem · 15/05/2023 22:24

Sorry to hear that OP, hope you can get out the relationship quickly. It sounds like he wasn't adding much to your life anyways and I'm sure you'll be happier and feel lighter without him 💐

MummyVL · 28/07/2023 17:21

Do I leave or stay...

Background, me and my partner have been together for 8 years and live together, we had a baby 2 years ago. I fell pregnant again at the start of this year, all was fine but when the 12 week scan appointment arrived in the post it all changed. My partner said it wasn't what he wanted and if I had the baby he would resent both me and the Newborn, he wanted an abortion. I cried and cried, and decided to contact the clinic, I had 3 days to take the medication otherwise it would be the surgical option. I drove 300 miles on a bank holiday to collect the medication alone as partner wouldn't take the time off of work. My family had our 2 Yr old and I made up a story of why I needed childcare.
I took the tablets at home and passed the baby alone as once again he wouldn't take time off of work, he offered no support at all... fast forward to 3 months on I still feel like I am grieving the loss of my baby, I dreamthed of having my 2nd child and up until being 9 weeks pregnant I thought my partner felt the same.

Since his lack of support I have sat back and noticed a lot of holes in our relationship that I ignored in the beggining. Such as even after 8 years he will not attend any family or friend events with me, I go alone with my 2yr old. He won't allow friends around our house when he is at home, they have to have left by the time he arrives back from work, if they are still in he will be blatantly rude and make them feel uncomfortable so that they leave. He is quite tall and can be quite intimidating. I went on our family holiday abroad alone with my 2yr old this year as he didn't want to come with us.

I work 36 hours per week from home, I have our 2 Yr old all week with only 1/2 day childcare per week, I do all of the household chores, However he still thinks I need to 'pull my weight' at home and in his words its about time I started appreciating him. I don't feel like there is anything more I can give in the relationship. Yes I have been unhappy and not particularly upbeat recently but can you blame me?

I am attending counselling and I don't feel any intimacy in the relationship anymore, however leaving and moving to my parents is such a huge decision to make and will be life changing for my daughter. Do I stick with him and hope he opens his eyes or do I leave and go it alone?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

ilovelamp82 · 28/07/2023 17:32

Leave. This isn't a relationship. It sounds awful. Read what you have written again and imagine that it is your daughter that has written it. If this is the example of a relationship that she will grow up witnessing, this will be the kind of relationship she will likely end up in.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/07/2023 17:57

@MummyVL it's best to start your own new thread as most people won't see your post, they'll be replying to the OP.

MummyVL · 28/07/2023 18:07

Thank you, I am new to this and didn't realise x

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