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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Co parenting help

6 replies

Mauvo · 11/05/2023 18:19

So I split from my child’s father for over a year and after a lot of back and fourth I finally kicked him out a week ago. We lived at my grandads house and he has gone to stay with friends and I am staying here. without going into much detail with have a lot of arguments over the last week about things we disagree with for eg, him not paying for his child for over a year due to unemployment ect, what I’m doing with my friends or the fact I funded his whole life for the last 5 months and just couldn’t deal with his behaviours. Due to these arguments I’ve had many break downs because arguing with him is the most stressful thing. My grandad has been my person to lean on, not that I’d voluntarily tell him everything but his heard and seen me upset. We’ve decided obviously to go 50/50 on our child but my grandad says has to pick him up and take him else where and he can’t come in here anymore. My ex is now livid about this as he doesn’t have his own place and will now have to find other places to take his child to spend time with him. I have explained to my grandad that this will make it abit more difficult for him but my ex is trying to get me to argue his corner to my grandad to let him in to spend time with his son, but I am sure there are other things they can do and I’ve even offered to pay. Should I be fighting his corner more because when I don’t it ends up in argument with us and he calls my grandad names and says his in the way of seeing his child when I’ve explained his welcome to whenever he likes but he just can’t come into the house. I say go and do this with your son but ‘he doesn’t want to go out with him’ I’m at a loss really. I don’t want to argue with my grandad about this.

OP posts:
CannotDoThisAnymore · 11/05/2023 18:29

its your grandads house. If he doesn’t want him there then its his choice. You have to respect that. The dad needs to step up and work out how he is going to do this (not you).

Mauvo · 11/05/2023 18:34

CannotDoThisAnymore · 11/05/2023 18:29

its your grandads house. If he doesn’t want him there then its his choice. You have to respect that. The dad needs to step up and work out how he is going to do this (not you).

I respect it I've said to him I can't didctate who comes into his house but he still thinks it's unfair. My grandad doesn't want him in here because of how much upset I've been through in the last week and it's upset him the things his heard him say to me. I'm happy to do 50/50 but I thought co parenting was set days or atleast some notice of when he wants to see his son. He called me up half hour ago saying his about 5 minutes away from being able to come to see Thiago and I need to ask my grandad to let him in but I didn't want to argue so I said that you haven't given me alot of notice and I don't want to upset my grandad and he was angry with how I reacted saying I was dismissive and that it's his child too. I understand how he feels but I feel like I'm at a total loss, that I should be arguing his side even though I respect my grandad.

OP posts:
CannotDoThisAnymore · 11/05/2023 18:40

Your grandad is protecting you. How old are you both? I wonder if a proper schedule (not just turning up as and when) would be useful here? Set days and drop offs. If he has no where to take the child at the moment eg a house, what about he spends time at the park/soft play - shorter time for the moment with a view to 50/50 in the long term.

he needs to make some changes himself eg get a job for one, flat, have spare cash to pay for his own activities with the child. You shouldnt be funding him. Its time for him to step up

Mauvo · 11/05/2023 18:45

CannotDoThisAnymore · 11/05/2023 18:40

Your grandad is protecting you. How old are you both? I wonder if a proper schedule (not just turning up as and when) would be useful here? Set days and drop offs. If he has no where to take the child at the moment eg a house, what about he spends time at the park/soft play - shorter time for the moment with a view to 50/50 in the long term.

he needs to make some changes himself eg get a job for one, flat, have spare cash to pay for his own activities with the child. You shouldnt be funding him. Its time for him to step up

I'm 21 and his 24, well yesterday he saw him and took him to the park, and he wanted me to stay with him even though I wanted to leave and let them have time together and that if I left I was 'cutting myself out' all together was a good day. But it took an hour of arguing before he got here saying he doesn't want to go outside with him and calling my grandad names for letting him in and was really angry. I think he'd be annoyed at set days and suggesting that he'll have to keep going out with him. His auntie who has a relationship with our son lives 10 minutes away I'm sure would be happy to even have sleepovers but unfortunately I don't think my ex has a relationship with her anymore. I feel likes it's become some sort of obsession of trying to gain entry in my grandads house and I'm trying to suit his needs but I'm tired of having arguments with him. I wish he would step up but he doesn't think his in the wrong and that my grandad is.

OP posts:
CannotDoThisAnymore · 11/05/2023 19:02

We you could suggest the aunties house. Does he have a track record for falling out with family and friends? Can he make amends? Calling your grandad names is not acceptable and shows that he needs to do a massive amount of growing up himself.

the situation is as it is at the moment. He needs to work this out for himself unfortunately.

how old is the child?

CannotDoThisAnymore · 11/05/2023 19:58

Do you have anyone who is supporting you? Mum, sisters, aunties? I know you said your living with grandad. Do you speak to your ex partners mum etc?

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