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Original poster

Do we expect too much from romantic relationships

27 replies

AreWeThereYet69 · 11/05/2023 15:59

Just that!
I've been with someone for the last 18 months. We get on great, have fun dates, sex is good, he's respectful, dependable. Basically he meets a lot of my needs but sometimes I think he's not that deep. Sometimes when I've brought up up a topic, maybe something like this, I suppose I feel he doesn't really engage.
Also I feel I check in with him if he's got something going on more than he will with me.
It got me thinking about Esther Perel's TED talk from a few years back about desire in relationships. Her take is
our expectations for relationships are higher than ever. "We still want what the traditional family was meant to provide—security, children, property, and respectability—but now we also want our partner to love us, to desire us, to be interested in us. We should be best friends, trusted confidants, and passionate lovers"

Am I unrealistic to expect so many of my needs to be met in one person?

Do you?

OP posts:
TheLegenOf · 12/05/2023 19:12

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/05/2023 19:07

I suppose it depends on how much importance you place on what you think is ‘missing’.

personally I have a lot of ‘interests’ ( some are verging on special interests, I do wonder sometimes) which DH doesn’t share, but then I really don’t want to know about xxx’s batting average last season, either. I also have some deep beliefs which he doesn’t share , although we are on the same page politically and socially.

At the risk of being cut to pieces by other posters , I do think that many men don’t have the same interests in discussing the ‘softer’ things like emotions and character as women do. I honestly can’t remember the last time I had such a discussion with DH, but I had one with a woman I met recently at the first proper chat.

So I don’t think it’s wise to expect that every need is met by one person, especially of the opposite sex.. ( and I’ve been with the same man for 43 years, so something works…..)

I don't think that's wise either. But it's equally unwise to be in a loveless relationship.
Like Christine and Paddy McGuiness, where they said they wouldn't even go on a night out together!

Blueeyedpoggle · 12/05/2023 19:22

Yes you're being unrealistic. After all, people can feel perfectly happy on their own can't they?
I think for me, a long term partner is more about companionship. You get comfortable with someone after many years together. You have alot of history.

That counts for alot.
The other stuff, like excitement, romance etc, I think many simply grow out of, or they seek excitement elsewhere like doing things on their bucket list, etc.

You won't get everything you could ever need from one person.

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