DP takes a mistress with your approval

[NCmistermistress]

Would anyone be willing to share the "lived experience" of allowing, with full knowledge, your DP to take a mister/mistress? No deceit, lies, just an arrangement that works for both partners, even if only one wishes to take a mister/mistress. I'm realising now it's far more common than I thought.

Please, no judgment/morals etc, just the lived experience.

@NCmistermistress

I am going to say.........Hell to the no!!! This NEVER works for the vast majority of people. One of the 2 would develop feelings for the other one. Very likely 'the mistress....' as men are more able to compartmentalise their feelings, and will happily shag a woman, and develop NO feelings for her. Women are more likely to get emotionally attached to a man they're shagging. (I know some people will be annoyed by that statement, and will deny it, but it's true..)

People are human and they have feelings, and emotions. They won't just meet, chat for 5 minutes, shag, and go home. Feelings will develop. In addition, as others have said, the partner at home WILL start to get jealous and insecure.

Would be better to use a prostitute. Although IMO going after sex with someone else outside your marriage with ANYONE is a bloody terrible idea. If your marriage is in such a state that one of you needs to shag other people, just do the decent thing and end it.

Kate, please don’t let this be you. You’re already too good for Wills as it is!

Peggers gonna peg

I have but I was the 'mistress' I guess.
I slept with a married man for about two and a half years. His wife knew everything and was fine with it - I met her a couple of times, she had helped him set up the OLD profile.
It wasn't anything dramatic or scandalous- they were very happy together but she had almost no interest in sex and he still did.
I was busy, getting my degree and didn't really have any time for properly dating. I didn't have a romantic connection with him, converationally he was a bit boring actually, he had a dull but important job that he liked talking about. I could never see myself in a proper relationship with him but he was fit, we had fun and the sex was good.
I left it when I moved away for a job, they seemed happy with the whole situation. They sent me a house warming card when I moved.

The only person I know who openly has another partner is gay but stayed married to his wife (British Asian) he does dutiful husband things like weddings and community events but rarely stays at his family home overnight. Money isn't an issue, he has an apartment with his partner. Everyone seems ok with the arrangement however odd it seems to me. He says we can't understand

If it suits all parties and it's open and honest then it's nothing to do with anyone else

I actually know two couples that have this arrangement. It suits them. They are very open about it it works for them. Not my cup of tea

They sent me a house warming card when I moved.

this is so polite and British! Did you ever have to explain who it was from?

I only know one couple where this happens. The wife is Japanese and I only mention this in case it might be more culturally acceptable in Japan (no offence intended, I really have no idea). Her poor husband really doesn't want an affair but she's adamant he should get his sexual needs met elsewhere. She said she's never liked sex but doesn't want her DH to miss out on a sex life so she often nags him to have an affair or one night stands. She still loves him as a life partner and wants to be with him.

Why? Is this for an article? Or does your boyfriend want to bang women while having you at home for chores and sloppy seconds? If so, why would that appeal to anyone on earth? 🤢😄

I know someone who did it, in the end the man left his wife for his mistress and they divorced, it led to two families breaking down. It was very sad all around and my friend was heartbroken, she genuinely believed it was going to save their marriage.

I have an aunt who is a long-term mistress to a man (they’re in their 60’s now and have been “together” for over 20 years)
His wife is unwell and has been for a long time and he lives with her but goes round to my aunts every day. My aunts gd calls him grandad! I’ve never actually met his wife though so I take it all with a large pinch of salt.

I think the situation is bizarre and don’t understand why my aunt accepts half a relationship- but she says it works for her as she wouldn’t want to live with him anyway!

My old boss had a long marriage and an almost as long mistress, kids with both. The kids found out by accident about their step sister when in their 20s. Gradually the whole thing started to implode. His health issues, retirement, having your nose rubbed in it so pride eventually led to divorce.
Wife moved on, lovely retirement. Mistress didn't want him full time.
Sadly he died alone.

** meant to add, his wife supposedly knows and is fine with it all!

Haha a friend did ask as I put it on the windowsill and I just said friends from uni. They had only signed it "love from Ben and Claire" not "love from your favourite fuck buddy Ben and wife Claire"

My best friend from school has recently agreed that they can stay married while her spouse explores his sexuality. So far she sounds a bit less stressed and I've always thought her spouse is a good parent and they're a team.

I personally think there are a lot of couples out there where it's not open but the blind eye is turned. I'm not sure what people whose partners were always massively into sex, but who then stop having sex with them, think is likely to happen. Not very MN of course.

I'm sorry, but your OP sounds like you're getting info for an media article. People might be unwise sharing their experience on this one.

Grr a media article, not an.

I know two epilepsy who are married to others but seeing each other for 15 years. Works for them.

Nothing to do with media....but then what's the point in denying it ... 🤷‍♂️

Thanks for some experiences; I get the dangers, and am eyes wide open.....

Locals thought MIL was weirdly accepting of FIL’s long term affair and believed they had an open marriage - they didn’t, FIL was abusing MIL after she “outlived her usefulness” after a hysterectomy with complications.

I do know a couple who are open to meeting other couples, and feel that absolute monogamy is wrong for them, but feel that introducing another permanent partner would spoil their relationship.

This sort of arrangement wouldn’t be for me but I get that it does happen and suits some couples.

My concern would always be about the one ‘at home’, I would question whether they were truly ‘happy’ with the arrangement or just desperate to keep the status quo, keep hold of their spouse/partner, playing a form of the pick me dance by giving up a part of their true self to assuage their partner’s desire to have a mistress/mister.

I couldn’t be involved in a situation which led to that person having their self esteem slowly eroded.

Epilepsy???

I think that may be an unfortunate autocorrect for “couples”

I would love to bring a third person into my marriage (a woman) and I love fantasising about the idea of it.

In reality though I know it would no doubt lead to a marriage break down and so the idea of it will therefore remain a fantasy.