When your dc realises that their dad (your ex) is a dick

[LuckyRookie]

Hi,

So I don't want to give too much info at the risk of being outed, but at the same time, I could really do with a bit of advice.

DD (mid teens) has always felt a bit of a distance with her dad and very much has to adapt when she goes to stay with him and his family. He's loud, sweary, short tempered, makes inappropriate racist, sexist, homophobic jokes (👍🙄🙄) and in a nutshell, DD has had enough. Not surprisingly! The older the gets, the harder she is finding it.

He has 3 DC with his new partner and DD loves them to bits, but she has undoubtedly been pushed far down the list of priorities since they were born. Visits are becoming less and less and planned days out or weekends will often get cancelled because they've made other plans. His partner doesn't bother with DD at all anymore, now that she has her 'own'.

All this is having a really negative effect on DDs confidence and mental health, which she already struggles with.

She told me a few days a go that she doesn't want to see them anymore, but still wants to be a sister. Obviously the latter can't happen with the former, so I honestly don't know what to say.

He's not a terrible person and I know he loves her, but he's not bringing anything positive into her life anymore. He just upsets her and makes her feel bad. She often says he makes her feel uncomfortable and tense and I can really see it when she comes home from staying with him.

What on earth do I do? My heart really does break for her, as she basically feels unimportant and hugely let down.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Thank you.

My dd is the same, I'm just letting her make her own decisions and listening when she talks. I've told him how she feels and suggested he looks into how he can mend the relationship but ultimately it's up to him. It's a tough time.

I feel sorry for her and you. It's always the kids who end up hurt. I'm in a similar position, as my ex is completely useless as a parent, and dc are just beginning to work this out. I don't/ try not to slag him off in front of the dc, but it is frustrating and makes me angry.

I think there comes a point where they are old enough to choose if they want to spend time with the other parent. She might feel protective over the younger dc, and have fun with them.

I would advise that you get your dd counselling/therapy so that she can chat to a professional about her feelings and her situation. Maybe get her to call childline, as they're very good.

💐So sorry you're going through this. It really is shit

Similar spot here but in reverse, Sd 17 lives with me and her dad full time for the past 18months, hasn't seen mum for a year their household is very controlling and demanding, mums husband makes life a bit miserable and SD tried to talk to mum about this but she was black bagged and no real effort has been made to get a relationship back. SD now doesn't want one at all with mum or step dad..... but she has 2 younger siblings 7 & 4 she wants to see but obviously cannot with seeing mum.

We don't really know what to do about it at all

@intothegreek it really is tough. I used to intervene, guide etc, but I can't keep doing that. I won't be doing her any favours in the long run if I paint him in a more flattering light. I honestly do feel like I need to step back and let things be as they really are.

I think I've done pretty well hiding my frustration with him, but recently I've been clear to DD when I think he was/is wrong. I think that's the right thing to do.

@Flufferblub thank you. Yes, she does feel very protective of her siblings and actually I think she really worries about them living there. I keep trying to explain that it was always going to be a different kind of relationship because the age gap is so big and she doesn't live with them, but she wants to do more for them than she can - than she should.

I just don't know how many more times I can see that hurt in her face. It's just awful.

It is awful. I used to cover up for my ex too, but I no longer do that. My therapist told me not to. So although I don't bad mouth him to the dc, I do not cover up or lie for him either.

He's not a terrible person and I know he loves her, but he's not bringing anything positive into her life anymore. He just upsets her and makes her feel bad. She often says he makes her feel uncomfortable and tense and I can really see it when she comes home from staying with him. ... My heart really does break for her, as she basically feels unimportant and hugely let down.

I think all you can do is share this observation and talk it through.

You drew a line under the relationship for your own well-being. Just let her know that if she ever feels the need to do the same, you do understand, and without wishing to influence her in any way you're there for her.

I think its natural for her to be thinking this. She's old enough to think independently, and see the truth. He isn't really making an effort bonding with her anymore. When he does occasionally bother, he ruins it with his poor attitude. I'd stay out of it and leave it all up to her. If she wants a break from him, then that'd up to her.

Support her decision and validate her perfectly reasonable feelings about it. It is sad for her and you, but she's also learning something really important here: to trust her feelings about a situation, protect herself from an unhealthy relationship and set healthy boundaries. That sort of strength and resilience will serve her well in life. See if she'd like to speak to anyone about it if it's something you can afford.

Well it sounds to me that he is a terrible person.
Let her decide.

Let her decide about her relationship with her father. She is now old enough to start to see him for what he is.. in the long run it will teach her to make her own judgements about people as she meets them... a good lesson going forward.
As to her half siblings... if they are old enough...how about getting into a habit of writing to them....proper letters and envelopes and stamps!!
This would be something that only she does with them.. include drawings,the occasional comic... nothing expensive.. just little bits..
As long as contact is continued she will be in their lives if not her fathers...

Thank you for all the advice so far.

After being told by her dad last week that he was going to be letting her down again, I was very clear that I was going to tell DD exactly what he told me and that I wasn't going to tweak the truth anymore and he's ignored me since, so it's clearly not gone down well.

Sounds like she's old enough and sensible enough to decide for herself. My DD did the same at a similar age and I had to support her through it as her dad was very controlling and wanting to stick to the contact arrangements to the letter, regardless of her feelings. She's left home now but even before then she would just see him for the odd lunch or dinner maybe once a week just to maintain contact. Is this an option?

I do think that when teens are socialising with their friends etc, sticking to a rigid contact schedule isn't realistic.

Remind DD that she Will always be their sister and when they are older had have phones she will be able to be in contact with them easily and build a big sister relationship etc. Also that they have their Mum and she is there for them etc.

It’s really hard when they r pushed down the pecking order.

Suggest they let dad know how they are feeling, then if he doesn’t change they are old enough to decide for themself.
Re enforce that the issue lies with him not them.

Could the step siblings come over to your/her house for a play date type thing. Useless dad would probably like free babysitting while your daughter gets to be big sister.

I realised that my father was a dickhead when I was 7. Much conflict later on. When, as an adult, I told my mother, she said 'I thought you had, dear'.