DD14 & Boyfriend

[LoveMyKeeks]

Hi, I hope I've posted this in the right place.

My DD14 has been with this boy (first boyfriend) since December and all was fine until recently. He had started becoming moody with her on and off and she discovered that one of his ex girlfriends had kissed his best friend behind his back. From what my DD told me, he had begun to not trust my DD for no other reason but this.

My DD has ended things 2 times in the last few weeks because of this. She again ended things on Monday (which I hoped was for good) and confided in me that one day he "loved " her and then the next day he insults her. I sat with her and told her this can't carry on and it will happen again with him. I told her that she can't change him and it's a form of abuse. I asked her to respect herself, stay away from him to show him that she won't be treated like that. Her DF has shown her always that men should be respectful towards women and she has grown with him as a brilliant male role model.

I'm really worried that she has gone and met this boy before school this morning and I'm not sure how to handle this. We have a very close relationship and she knows she can come to me with any worries but I'm terrified she will keep this all a secret now. Should I allow her to carry this relationship on or do I need to be firm and put a stop to it. Obviously I want to keep her away from him but I also want to keep my close, trusting relationship with her.

They are at the same school and in about half of their classes together.

This is exactly the situation I dredge occurring with my own daughter. Do you sit back and let something progress that could cause her a lot of unhappiness/trauma, or do try to put a stop to it and she continues the relationship in secret or it breaks down your relationship.

I have no real advice other than to try and keep her onside, I don’t think you can put a stop to it other than to keep her in the house.

I sat down last night and watched ‘The kidnap of Angel Lynn’ with my 14 yr old DD, she said afterwards that she really hopes she is sensible enough to walk away the moment someone starts mistreating her. It’s so tough xxx

Can you organise some special mother/daughter time with her doing something she loves? I'm only thinking that if she gets plenty of love and security from her family, then she may not go seeking it elsewhere and won't accept being treated any less.

Sorry you're going through this and your dd

Oh this is so upsetting to hear of girls being treated badly.

Have you seen the clip of carol horseman talking about “circles of acceptable behaviour” while she was in im a celebrity.
I thought it was a fab way to explain how sometime abusive partners start pushing boudaries. Might be worth using it as a talking point with your daughter?? Using insults as an example. Now he’s insulted her and they are still together- this has now come inside the circle of what he thinks of acceptable in their relationship, so he’ll do it again.

On the Childline website there is a section about healthy relationships-maybe try and look at It with your daughter and discuss and compare her current relationship. In my experience, approaching these things head on is more likely to lead to conflict and if you stop her seeing him and she goes behind your back, that’s more likely to make your relationship with her problematic. Ask her what she would advise a friend in a similar situation, keep her close. As a parent it’s almost inevitable that we try to tell our children what to do, whereas as a counsellor we would do more exploring, try to get them to work it out for themselves…….maybe also ask yourself, what would you advise a close friend to do?

I would talk to her again and see if she wants to continue the relationship or if she would like you to be the 'bad guy' and forbid her to see him to give her an easy out. If she can blame you then it may take some of the pressure off her.

One of my DC had an abusive friend. I explained how abusers will be nice to draw someone in, then turn nasty when they feel they can, then wait a bit and be nice to draw them back. It took five or six cycles of this before DC clearly saw the pattern and decided to cut the friendship.

I don't think you should try and stop her, unfortunately she is at an age where she will find a way to be with him if she wants.
Just keep communication open, point out what's wrong, tell her you'll always support her etc... and just hope she makes the right decisions.

I have two daughters so I feel your pain! I am dreading them getting to that age.

I feel you are doing everything right, you have encouraged her to end the relationship and talked to her about healthy relationships however, if she wants to see him..it will be hard for you to stop that. I would monitor at this stage, if things get siniser then yes report to school etc.

I would also suggest asking your DH to have a chat with his DD.

U can only advise and be there to pick up the pieces if they choose to ignore.

Thanks everyone. You have all confirmed what I thought. She's since msged me to say they're taking a break for a month and they may get back together after this. Thank you again for all your advice x