Rough patch whilst trying

[tm21]

Hi there,
My partner and I bought a house last autumn which has been stressful to say the least as we’ve been through a lot of renovations and silly arguments.

We are also trying to conceive at the same time as neither of us are getting any younger. He’s in his early 40s and I’ve just turned 39. I did freeze my eggs 5 years ago but would love to continue trying naturally until the end of the summer before looking at the IVF route.

After a strained patch, we’ve agreed to put 100% effort into getting back on track but that has involved me being warm and affectionate and him being pleasant but distant and not in the least bit affectionate towards me.

I’m now feeling quite rejected and as if I’m living with a platonic housemate. I asked him what’s going on and he said he needs to take it slowly as it can’t go back to normal overnight but if he can’t even hold my hand at the moment, I don’t know how we can have a few more cycles of trying to conceive naturally before considering IVF.

The last thing I want to do is rush him but I don’t feel I have time on my side and if we are both meant to be trying, withholding affection only seems to present a new problem with me feeling frozen out and rejected even though he’s assured me he wants to mend fences.

Any insight would be so helpful as for me, it’s the ticking biological clock which I find daunting even though I know we need to be on firm ground before continuing trying - it’s that sense that I just don’t have the time even though I would love to have all the patience in the world! Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom!

I understand that feeling of not having the time, but you must take the time to sort out whatever the issues are between you.

Don't get pregnant by someone you can't communicate with.

I think you should consider if this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with before you think about conceiving.

Try and focus on being a happy individual, and not put all of your happiness on your relationship. It could be that you are both putting unnecessary pressure on finding happiness by your relationship being the sole provider. Look after yourself, get good sleep, eat well, see friends, dress up a little. do things that make you laugh etc. He will see you for the woman he fell in love with, and not feel so pressured to ‘fix’ everything.

I'll be honest, I wouldn't be trying to get pregnant with someone who feels they can't even hold my hand.

If moving and renovating a house has put this amount of strain on your relationship to the point where he's witholding affection (very unhealthy) then what do you think a baby will do?

I sympathise with the fact that you do have a time limit, but a strained and fractured relationship is not one to bring a child into. What are you both actually doing to mend these fences? It's going to take active participation from both sides, relationships don't just fix themselves with time.

Thank you - really wise words! It’s true - I need to relax about the time restraints and focus on the issues between us.

Thank you - yes it’s frustrating that there haven’t been doubts until this recent rough patch when it feels like we don’t have the time to move at a snail’s pace!

Thanks for this advice and I’ve definitely been trying to ‘do me’ more in terms of being independent and doing my own thing but it feels like we’ve hardly spent any quality time together lately as we’ve been so busy doing our own things!

It’s so true that if other life stressors have thrown us this much, what would a child do? I definitely don’t want to have a child to ‘fix’ us but I feel like if this is the period when we’re meant to be doing our best to get back on track, I really need to feel that from him and not like it’s a one sided effort. Saying he’s being guarded is not going to lead to a rekindling as it just shows he’s holding a grudge and if he’s not putting 100% effort in, nothing will get resolved as a new problem is created where I feel rejected despite trying!