How normal is it to lose yourself and your partner in parenting?

[kettlebellchips]

DH and I have been married 9 years, we have one child, 2 years old. I feel a little like I'm losing myself and DH.

We both work, albeit I WFH and DH goes into an office. Our families live quite a long way away. As a result, I don't see a lot of people during the day whereas DH at least has colleagues. Also, DH and I have different cultural interests, and is what some might call highly sensitive. As a result, he's not so keen to have music or the radio on at home. He doesn't like TV, so we can't even watch TV together. Last night I ended up watching TV on my laptop while he scrolled on his phone.

To add a catalyst, this weekend, we went out with a colleague of DH's. We took our toddler out, and at 8pm, DH volunteered to take our DD home. I stayed out chatting with people I didn't really know, and I ended up chatting to a man (one of DH's colleagues husbands). There was no flirting going on, we didn't swap numbers, we talked about politics, books, etc, and it was felt good to be listened to, to have a good conversation with someone.

Re the above, I'm not asking for permission to have an affair - simply, it made me realise how nice it can be to feel social and interesting.

I love DH, he's a good father and works hard, he's a decent man, but I feel us losing a connection, and I want to reverse it. Is this just a natural part of parenting a young child, or do we need to do something to turn things around?

What did you used to do together before you had DC?

DH sounds like a boring fucker

Good question. Before DD, we used to do more walking and cycling in nature, we used to go on short breaks (travel) and visit nice restaurants.

If I were you, I'd find a local society to Join, or volunteer at guides or something.

So those things again then. DD can go on a trailer/seat for the bike
Go and walk again, get a decent back pack carrier and go!

Travel places.

What's stopping you?

I'd say it is normal to become a bit distant and then you come together again once the hard young years are over but having said that, your DH is so dull and sensitive that you can't actually live.

If he doesn't like TV then stuff him. Get it on and he can go do something else. You should have to adapt your living situation to such an extreme of watching TV on your laptop so he can scroll his phone in silence!

Tbh it does sound like you've outgrown him. You want to have culture, music, TV, hobbies and friends and it seems like he doesn't want any of that...

The best things I did with our marriage although with small kids yes indeed it is very hard:

1. Get a trusted babysitter and go out regularly doing what you both enjoy doing together. Nice dinners or going out hiking are some examples that you mentioned that would work.
2. We have a very similar setup like you, DH goes to office, I WFH (and it’s convenient for me but also very lonely). Can you maybe do a lunch date once a week and meet DH near the office?
3. Date nights at home - we make sure to spend time together after DD goes to bed, usually watching TV as we have similar taste in shows. Could you do some indoor activity you both like, board game, or even a nice dinner and chat for the two of you?

Not gonna lie it does take a lot of work and effort from both of us to keep the relationship alive with little kids and work and all the other madness around, but it is doable. Have you talked to him, is he willing to work on it?

Travel, I guess it is a combination of money but also the toddler not being the easiest. But we could make the effort more.

Good ideas of how we could do more at weekends and make more plans.

I do need to talk to DH about this, but I don't know how open he will be. I hope so.

Carry on with those things.
Get a seat on your bike for toddler.
You can book a weekend break from time to time. Or just go for the day if that's easier.
Toddlers just hang out with you so go places that you want to go to and just make adjustments for their routine.

Find your own hobby as well.

On the travel topic, my DD is now almost 4 and is a delight to take on trips. It was definitely rough when she was 2 (we didn’t do much then) but started getting easier around 3. So you can certainly get that back soon.

I think the main issue is that you have mostly limited your interactions with the adult world to your H. And even if he were different - and say - wanted to watch TV - it’d still be limiting.
We are social creatures and we need to have more social engagement to feel normal.

Are you planning to WFH on a continuous basis? Is there any other set up that is possible? At a min - you need to figure out a way where you get out of the house and see other adults - hobby? friends? Etc.
Hopefully it’ll start becoming easier as your daughter gets older and starts nursery and school

Some suggestions -

Get an office based job - the not talking to another adult in person all day can be a bit soul destroying.
Change DC’s routine so you have more time with her together in the evenings as something to do together. Take her out cycling, play games together, take it in turns to have her shadow you doing something around the house etc.
Make space for hobbies you do without your partner (and for him to have hobbies he does without you).Find a babysitter or two that you trust and go out at least a couple of times a week. Remember - it doesn’t have to be in the evenings.

I think an office based job would help, definitely, and a hobby. Right now, I’m going to the gym but it’s also a bit solitary.