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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lost Friendship because I refused Sex

26 replies

henleaz · 11/05/2023 07:53

I moved to a new city about a year ago. Found it difficult to meet new friends, but become friendly with a couple. Saw a lot of them. Turns out that they have an open relationship. Nice for them, not my thing and not interested. Just wanted to be friends.

They introduced me to a group of people I could have seen myself being friends with. They were very much the group leaders.

Got really really drunk together one evening, and one of the couple made a real move on me. I rejected. Later that night they tried to make a move on me again, and I just laughed it off and left.

Since then they’ve sort of distanced themselves from me. I also noticed I didn’t get invited to any of the ‘group meet ups’. Then one day, one of the group reached out for a walk. It turns out that the guy that propositioned me has been telling the group that I led him on, told him I wanted to sleep with him, and then when he made a move, I rejected him. And so this is why I am being excluded it seems.

Do I just cut my losses and forget about them? I feel like I want to set the record straight because I come across as crazy & my name has been trashed with people I was hoping to become friends with.

OP posts:
IDontWantToBeAPie · 11/05/2023 07:57

Love I'm sorry but they weren't your friends. They likely saw you as a potential lover not a mate. And if they're open then their group of mates might also be into that too... no necessarily but like attracts like. You don't want to be getting hit on at every party by a new married person!

Consider it an early escape. You can make new friends who don't push your boundaries - trying it on when you'd already said no especially if you'd got more drunk is proper dodgy behaviour from them.

pinkdelight · 11/05/2023 07:58

"They're sex people!" as Alan Partridge would say...

Sorry to make light, but it's fairly clear reading this that they wanted you for the sex and it wasn't and could never be a friendship in the way you believed. They zeroed in on you, told you about their open relationship, got you enmeshed in the group (grooming I could even say) then made their move, persistently. You rejected them, now it's over. Definitely nothing to salvage and good to move on.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 11/05/2023 07:58

Although the person who reached out for a walk might be a possible friend. Considering they clearly tried to get your side of the story too.

And you didn't lead them on.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/05/2023 07:58

Cut losses
sounds like they mainly made friends with you for joining their sex group

And the other people are probably the same

I’m sure this stings x

Shhhquirrel · 11/05/2023 08:00

Run like the wind away from these vultures.

Original poster
henleaz · 11/05/2023 08:02

Thank you! It’s just a bit gutting isn’t it, when you think that you’re finally getting a group of friends together…

The other thing that really frustrates me, is that it seems he suggested to the group that I don’t remember leading him on because I was drunk. I definitely definitely did not ever see myself wanting to do stuff with them. In fact, I’d made a clear decision in my head that it wasn’t something I would do. As A) they were friends B) totally not my type even if it was. Gaslighting makes you really start to doubt your own thoughts.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 11/05/2023 08:08

Stay in touch with the walk person. I suspect that person knows that the guy is misrepresenting

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 11/05/2023 08:13

This is horrible for you and you should feel angry. Get in touch with those feelings not the sad ones.

Watchkeys · 11/05/2023 08:15

Gaslighting makes you really start to doubt your own thoughts

Stay away from people who make you doubt your own thoughts. It's a 100% reliable sign that they're not your friend, regardless of anything else they do for/with you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/05/2023 08:31

I'm laughing at the sex people comment. That's absolutely true. I hope you set the record straight with the person you went for a walk with. Once you've done that though I'd avoid the whole lot of them.

YukoandHiro · 11/05/2023 08:33

Is it possible that the whole group is a sex positive/swinging group. So they've worked out it's not your bag but don't want to shame you for it so are just politely distancing themselves?
Find a new group I think...

YukoandHiro · 11/05/2023 08:35

Or not so politely in the case of the man telling tall tales.
Almost certainly everyone else in the group knows what he's like and that he's just protecting his fragile ego.

Mydcchangedmyusername · 11/05/2023 08:36

Do I just cut my losses and forget about them?

Absolutely

I feel like I want to set the record straight because I come across as crazy & my name has been trashed with people I was hoping to become friends with.

You could if it's important to you but that doesn't mean you still shouldn't forget about then afterwards. I'm also not sure they'd be the type of people to listen or care what you say. Not because of their sex life but behaviour towards you. They don't know you.

Furbfurbfurb · 11/05/2023 08:37

They. Weren’t . Friends.

Bullet dodged.

Are you really wanting to hang around with people who secually abuse you at parties???

Expect more.

Mydcchangedmyusername · 11/05/2023 08:37

Also it's clear you're not on the same wavelength as them and not offering what they're wanting in a friendship, so they rightly want to end it with you. You should do the same.

SinglePonders · 11/05/2023 08:39

Would you even want to be friends with people like this.
They are total bores, tedious and obnoxious by the sound of it!

You made a lucky escape.

BreviloquentBastard · 11/05/2023 08:44

To be honest in my experience the only people in open relationships are desperately insecure and need constant attention and validation from others to feel worthy. You bruised this one's ego so now you're being frozen out, sounds like you're well rid. Sorry they tried to use you like that.

ShandaLear · 11/05/2023 08:50

They were basically grooming you for sex. Cut your losses and run. They’re not your friends. Well done for being clear about your boundaries. Join some clubs and societies inside and out of work, and hopefully you’ll develop friendships that aren’t based on trying to get into your underpants.

Skybluepinky · 11/05/2023 08:54

They were never yr friends, go find some decent friends that respect u.

ejbaxa · 11/05/2023 09:05

Lucky escape from gaslighting predators

Malificent1 · 11/05/2023 09:15

I’m really sorry to say that they befriended you with the sole intention of entering into a relationship with you. They were actually quite predatory in their behaviour. You were in a new city, struggling to make friends, and in that sense you were vulnerable. And they swooped.

Don’t pine for these people. Thank yourself lucky that they showed their hand so early on and that you were strong enough to walk away.

carolinestowcrat · 11/05/2023 09:16

They're not your friends. Also, friends don't try to have sex with their friends.

Alcemeg · 11/05/2023 09:50

You were fresh meat to a bunch of predators.

Congratulations on escaping intact.

strawberry2017 · 11/05/2023 09:54

He had no reason to discuss this, he's clearly an attention seeking arsehole who doesn't like rejection.
Think you are better off away from them. X

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 11/05/2023 09:58

Urgh how grim. Confused You have dodged a bullet @henleaz They sound horrific.