Is this acceptable?

[Motylog]

My boyfriend does volunteering. Another woman who volunteers for a different group took an interest in his volunteering. Once a month she video calls him for over an hour to see how he is getting on. He has not met this woman and I don't see why they need these video calls. I confronted my boyfriend and he says he doesn't want to walk on eggshells and that this woman is a battleaxe. If that is the case why speak to her at all. I don't video call men monthly who I have never met.

Is she in a more senior role in the volunteering sector they are in? Is she mentoring him? Do you listen in to the calls?
If they're strictly about volunteering then what's the problem?

So they're essentially colleagues talking about work, for one hour a month? He hasn't kept this a secret from you or lied about it or hid it at all I presume? I don't think I could be bothered about this, my husband definitely has female colleagues he spends a hell of a lot more time talking to than one hour a month. If you don't trust him to have a conversation with another woman without doing something untoward why are you even with him?

I think what bothers me the most is a few friends of his have been through some difficult times the past few months. He reads the messages and doesn't reply. One called him out a week later on reading the message and not replying saying why does he have time for strangers with the volunteering for but not his own friend. Another one he had not replied to since January and even I had spoke to her and told him what was going on in her life. He bumped into her then finally replied back last week.

He claims this woman on the video calls is like a mentor to him. I'm disappointed he puts strangers before his friends. He claims he doesn't have time to reply to friends yet has an hour a month to video call this woman.

How did the person who called him out on it know he was talking for an hour to the volunteering woman?

Talking for an hour once a month takes less emotional and time investment than constantly replying to messages. Especially if those people are having a tough time. Itight seem inconsiderate but when people are busy and/or have a lot on their minds, it can be easier to set aside 1 uninterrupted hour than to take several few minutes out of several days to read, process and respond to an emotionally difficult text.

Talking on the phone about himself and his volunteering may be mentally and emotionally easier.

The bigger question is why does it bother you? Do you suspect their conversation/interaction is inappropriate or is he just not behaving in a way you think he should?

From what you said (and my response!) I might suggest he's being a bit self centred but it doesn't seem untoward.

You don't get to dictate his time.

Where do you think we get an idea from of what's acceptable and what isn't, @Motylog ?

So I don’t think we can tell it it’s ‘wrong’ in some way or not. It sounds like you’ve noticed something you don’t like, that makes you think less of him. Why is he being dominated by someone pushy? Does he have his priorities in the right order? And so on. I had something like this with my partner and after a long time fretting over whether it was wrong I realised that the truth is it just made me like him a bit less. I was less impressed with his character. I expect your boyfriend is frightened of conflict and likes to be seen as ‘good’ — hence he’d rather be slightly put out than hurt her feelings. Not a trait I admire, but others do. Still with my partner btw. Nobody’s perfect.

It's one hour per month! I can understand you being upset if it was calls every day and meeting up. Its really not for you to dictate who anyone can speak to.

I think what bothers me the most was recently he showed me a photo his friend had sent him of him with a few females. My boyfriend said I don't want you being in a photo with him. I would not have an opportunity for a photo anyway but it is ok for him to video call another woman 🙄

Are you concerned that you're uncomfortable about it when you shouldn't be?

you sound unhinged. She is his mentor

Females?

It is none of you business how he runs his friendships. And if he wants to take his volunteering seriously that is also his choice. You really need to butt out.