Advice needed a huge fall out on the Horizon at the end of my tether now.

[Rainbows191]

Ah wow where to start …

I am 49 years old my mother in her late 60s. I suffer anxiety depression and some phobias .. Have done on and off all my life but last year or so it’s felt difficult manage. I’m on medication and due a review.

The argument is the ‘dentist’ I haven’t been for some years now due to a very real phobia and my teeth … My teeth aren’t great they really aren’t. They are looking fairly shocking tbh I know this.

My mum … She is even at her age now very up on her appearance botox .. fillers .. face lift even maybe .. perfect teeth nice hair etc and tbh she looks about 45.

She is harassing me to my wits end about making a dental appointment my phone is bombarded day and night to sort out an appointment. I know I know how ridiculous this must sound at my age lol it’s even funny to me really but she is and always has been overbearing and interfering.

My phobia and the fear of needing many extractions is my absolute dread I’m literally too scared to go to hear the news that I truly think is going to come … They are mostly going to need extracting.

I am so unbelievably and absolutely sick of my Mum and this harassing me day and night it’s making me ill she is like a dog with a bone n will not let up. and suffering mental health I’m not coping well with this. I am even thinking blocking contact fully now coz I have had absolutely enough… My whole life she has made me feel just not good enough not thin enough not attractive enough … just not enough.

Any advice be much appreciated guys … Thank you.

It's ok to block someone who is harassing you. That's entirely up to you. Regardless of whether you tell her or not though maybe you could think about seeing someone about your teeth as a health thing. No one can treat you without your consent. But you may be able to have things done to save you pain in the future. Dentists are soooooooooooooo much better than they used to be, and I say this as someone with a lifelong phobia caused by traumatic extractions as a child, so I do understand. But I also think you'd be doing your health a favour by having a checkup. It's not about appearances but about avoiding future pain. But it has to be your choice and no one else's.

Ok, calm down, you can navigate this.

First things first, tell your mum you are a grown woman and you will sort it when you are good and ready but she really doesn't have to drive you this nuts (I get it, my mum does the same!).
If she brings it up again, you tell her you have it under control, you won't be discussing it further and you will not tell her the appointment time/date ti avoid this behaviour.

Secondly, I know you are scared but oral health is so very important. You may or may not need extraction, but avoiding the dentist will enhance the chances of extraction. It can also be an indication of other health concerns so it is important you have a check up.

Honestly, if you do (worst case scenario) need most of your teeth removing, cosmetic dentistry works miracles! You could end up with a wonderful, beautiful smile with knashers you want to show to the world!

A dentist will want to look after what you have and a good dentist will always discuss with you various options before going nuclear and removing them all.

Dentists are also very aware that most people are nervous and on the whole are well equipped to deal with nervous patients, just let the receptionists know so they are prepared. There is nothing in your mouth they haven't seen, and nothing that is going to improve without a dentist. You have nothing to worry about.

Hang up when she mentions it on the phone. Walk away when she mentions it to your face. Tell her if she continues to mention it you will have a break from contact with her…..and then follow through.

Sounds awful but with overbearing mothers you can not give an inch. You have to be prepared to ignore them.

OP, tell your mum to butt out. Tell her you will deal with the dentist situation in your own time and that she is only making the situation worse and causing more anxiety by going on about. Tell her not to mention it again. Ignore any text messages mentioning it - delete immediately. Any phone calls mentioning it - say, "As I've already told you, I will deal with the situation in my own time". Hang up if necessary.

Then check out my thread here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4319823-Faced-my-dental-phobia-yesterday
I suffered with dental phobia and it was horrific.
The most important thing to do is find a sympathetic dentist. I don't know where you are located and whether you have access to an NHS dentist or if you need to go private.
Start googling and looking for dentists now. That does not mean you have to make an appointment. It took me nearly 2 years from beginning to acknowledge I absolutely HAD to do something about the phobia and being able to make an appointment. In the meantime I e-mailed dentists and either got no reply at all or replies that indicated to me the dentist wasn't going to be able to help me with my issues. But all of this is explained in my thread.

It all turned out really well for me OP. But it was honestly the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. If you would like to chat to me privately about it you are welcome to send a message.

Mum absolutely has to butt out first though. I couldn't have done it if I'd had someone pressurizing me to do it. That would have made all the trauma of being forced into dentist visits as a young person come straight back up to the surface.
It is something that you and you alone get to decide. You get to decide which dentist you go to. You get to decide when to make an appointment. You get to decide what treatment will be carried out, with support and advice from your dentist obviously.

Two seperate issues here. Tell her clearly that you are not prepared to discuss your dental health with her from this point onwards. If you change your mind and would like to you will let her know. If she brings it up, say, I feel I've been clear with you and i'm not prepared to discuss this topic. Either we change the subject or I'm ending the call. Same with face to face. And repeat. She will kick up a fuss but then get the message.

Regarding the dentist, this isn't something you can ignore forever and it's only going to go one way if you leave it. You know this though. You need help to find a dentist that is a good fit for you, promise yourself that by the end of the year you will have done enough research in ordrer to choose one.

Start tomorrow. Small steps in the right direction. Ask friends who they use, if they'd recommend, and see if you can access some help for your phobia alongside. You can do this.

Your Mom is irrelevant here.
You need to get to a dentist and sort out your teeth. It’s not a cosmetic issue by the sound of it anymore.
It’s a health issue.

You don’t need to endanger your health just to show it to you mother. You are a grown up. But you also need to act like one and take care of yourself.
You mother may be overbearing and going about it the wrong way, and has been difficult all your life. But on this particular issue - she is not wrong.

Have you suffered dental phobia?
You mean well with your post but you really have no idea what the OP is going through here.
It's not as simple as "get to a dentist and sort out your teeth". "Be a grown up" etc.
Dental phobia is completely overwhelming. It's a serious mental health issue. It is not anxiety about going to the dentist which many people (probably most people) have to a certain extent. It's not going to be solved by someone (either OP's mother or posters on here, who all mean well) pointing out something the OP already knows, that it is a serious issue and has to be dealt with. The more people go on at a dental phobic, the worse it gets.
The OP acknowledges there is a problem. That's the first step. She'll have lots of tiny steps to go through before she can even walk into a dental practice, never mind have treatment.
I suggested she read my thread (mentioned in my post) about my dental phobia. A first step would be to get to the stage of being able to research dentists near her and perhaps email a couple to ask for advice. That's the first step.
The first step is not "get to a dentist". It's not possible for a dental phobic to just do that.

I agree with the others, 2 issues Mum and dentist.

there are dentists who specialise in nervous patients. I have a friend who didn't go for about 20 years due to phobia and her fab dentist has now slowly and gently sorted out her teeth.
Unlikely to get this on the NHS though

Hey all ..

Thank you for all your responses I’ve had a read and taken on board advice suggested. Snails pace I’m thinking with this .. slowly slowly. I’m going to start with e mailing a few dental practices close to my local area and explaining my situation to them and take it from there, Even that is going to be a test for me but I know I need to do this.

Conxray I followed your link and wow 🤩 tbh it felt like it was myself writing your post .. It was pretty emotional for me actually coz I’ve never discussed this with anyone not in detail anyway and it made me feel not so alone, I could relate to so much of what you said. The relief you must of felt after checks and treatments I can currently only imagine but that’s pretty awesome … And positive and encouraging your story so thank you for sharing.

I am one hundred percent aware of what I need to do but as stated unless I think you’ve actually felt this way you wouldn’t ‘get it’ really. I would give anything to be able look at this from a different perspective and have that ‘ go get what needs doing done’ attitude … But sadly for me it’s really not that simple.

The impact on my self esteem and my life it’s huge ... I decline invitations, I absolutely hate photos and generally feel totally crap about myself. The fear of extractions which I really do believe is a big possibility here with this now … Is what keeps me from going. Partial or worse case full dentures … I don’t know how I’d deal with hearing this. It really is just the worst and it’s taking over my life … Coz I know I gotta go it’s always there in the background in my thoughts.

Miserable coz of this :(

I understand your worry about extractions and dentures, but nowadays they can achieve fantastic results with implants.

You know your life will be improved if you get it done. What might help you take the first step?

I was going to suggest emailing dentists.

I was in the same boat as yourself, hadn’t been for 20+ years. My teeth were in a bad way and I just felt too embarrassed to deal with it. Watching TV I’d look at people’s perfect teeth and feel awful about myself, nearly feel embarrassed when there was even a toothpaste ad on TV.

Eventually I was ‘forced’ to deal with it all as I badly chipped a front tooth and had no other option but to go to the dentist. It just became unavoidable.

I emailed ahead and eventually after getting one they were great.
And when I got some work done they didn’t even use a needle to numb my mouth, they used something else. Can’t for the life of me remember it was now. I’m pretty sure it was something else anyway.

It was all a huge relief afterwards.

I’m terrified of dentists OP but I’m more scared of pain so I make myself go and explain my fear.
last year I needed a root canal and sat and cried in the dentist chair.
Your phobia is obviously much worse than mine but with the right dentist and the amazing techniques and analgesia available now it’s much better than it was.
Ignore your dm and focus on yourself.
Baby steps and you’ll get there.

Your phobia is obviously much worse than mine but with the right dentist and the amazing techniques and analgesia available now it’s much better than it was

Yes, this was what surprised me after 30 years. Things have moved on so far. There is no comparison to what I experienced as a child to now. From the design of the waiting room and other rooms, to the equipment, to the techniques - it's different.
And one thing that really triggered me was the smell - they don't smell like that any more.

They can also save teeth which couldn't have been saved in the past.

Or consider hypnotherapy first

as for your mother she sounds like a pita

There's a chance you might be able to get help ( or even just some advice) from your local community dental health service. DS2 was referred to them when he just couldn't tolerate dental treatment enough to stay still. He was later diagnosed with autism but he still could be referred without a diagnosis at the time. They were brilliant, so much calmer and nicer than our normal dentist, they gave him laughing gas which he enjoyed and his crown was fitted successfully.
Mental health was one of the reasons you could be seen by the community service when I looked it up but I'm aware it's probably one of the services that's been run down in recent years but it might be worth checking if you could be referred.
Or try contacting the dental hospital, they might have specialists in dental phobias and such issues.
I had an issue with depression, which led to me avoiding taking my children to the dentist for about 18 months as I knew DS3 had damaged enamel from extended breastfeeding and I couldn't have the judgement in my overwhelmed state. In the end I did it and just tearfully confessed and the dentist was kind ( no long term damage to children's teeth either, their adult teeth are good). I then promptly handed over all responsibility for making appointments and taking the children to DH so that it wouldn't happen again. Do you have someone ( not your DM) who can be support you in sorting this out in a kind way?

Perhaps there are two entirely different issues at play here.

One is your phobia about going to the dentist. I'm absolutely with you on that one, and have a phobia of it myself. I had to go a few months ago because one of my teeth broke in half and I was in agony. I spoke to the dentist when I went in and told her I was terrified - then promptly burst into tears, and she was marvellous and so kind. They really are good these days and are well used to supporting people.

The other issue is your mother. I can't help wondering whether your anxiety, depression and phobias are rooted in the way she has treated you over the years, and this has damaged your self-esteem. Have you ever discussed this relationship with your healthcare professional? It could be that some counselling in how to deal with this relationship would really be beneficial for you.

The other issue is your mother. I can't help wondering whether your anxiety, depression and phobias are rooted in the way she has treated you over the years, and this has damaged your self-esteem. Have you ever discussed this relationship with your healthcare professional? It could be that some counselling in how to deal with this relationship would really be beneficial for you.

YES !!

Two separate issues. The teeth you may be able to deal with rationally, through finding a dentist who has the skill and patience to deal with your phobia.

But I think, @Rainbows191 , that you would benefit immensely from counselling to address your relationship with your mother and provide you with the tools to boost your self worth and assert appropriate boundaries with her.

The other issue is your mother. I can't help wondering whether your anxiety, depression and phobias are rooted in the way she has treated you over the years, and this has damaged your self-esteem. Have you ever discussed this relationship with your healthcare professional? It could be that some counselling in how to deal with this relationship would really be beneficial for you

Yes, there is always a reason for a phobia. The mother sounds overbearing and possibly insensitive.
I did not have counselling for mine (due to lack of access to counselling on the health service in the country where I live and not having the funds to pay for counselling AND for the dental treatment). My dentist (private) spent quite a bit of time with me during my first couple of visits trying to get to the bottom of it. She highlighted a situation which I had previously thought nothing of as a possible cause as I also had phobias about needles, doctors in general and hospitals in particular. As a small child (5 or 6) a relative had a serious head injury and ended up in a coma in hospital. She later recovered. But I was taken into that head injury unit every day after school for at least 6 months to visit this relative. I saw things no 5 year old should have been seeing. Of all the children in the family I was the only one who did not run out of the room crying on the first couple of visits, so I was the one taken in constantly to visit. The others were not taken again My trauma was internalized but it doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic.
The entire situation was inappropriate for a child.
I do feel that my phobias stem for that. Acknowledging that this is the possible reason has really helped me. I'd never connected the dots before. I always felt stupid and embarrassed and ashamed of being phobic of something others could manage to do. I felt like it was all my fault. Now I know it isn't my fault and it's ok to talk to medical professionals about it.

OP, if you can talk to your GP and get access to counselling perhaps you can get down the root of the issue. Why did the phobia arise? And meanwhile keep trying - set yourself a goal of collecting certain pieces of information by say the end of June - eg. which dentists are available in my local area? Can a community dental service as mentioned above help? What sort of techniques do dentists use these days to help anxiety patients?
Or some tasks eg. look at 5 dental practice websites and look at the pictures of the interiors. I had to do that an awful lot first to get comfortable with what practices look like.

your teeth could be detrimental to your overall health, including your brain health amongst a host of other health issues

The way I see it, it's her mother who's far more detrimental to the OP's health than her teeth. A lot of people seem to be fixating on the dental issue. That is trivial in comparison to the way her toxic mother is treating her.

The mother is definitely toxic.
I've fixated on the dental issue because of my own experience of dental phobia, which might help the OP tackle that aspect of it.
A good first step would be to get boundaries in place with the mother regarding any discussion of the dentist because I know myself from bitter experience that every mention of it, every person pushing you about it, especially as the vast majority have no idea about phobias, makes the whole thing worse.