Struggling without time alone

[Redfizzy]

My DH is unemployed at the moment and will be for the foreseeable future (he has ongoing mental health issues eg depression and anxiety). We have savings which we are dipping into to tide us over, and I work part time, so financially we are ok for now.

However, I am really struggling with the lack of time alone. I work 3 days one week and 4 days the next, and spend my time off doing housework, life admin, exercise etc. I really value time and space to myself where I don't have to interact with anyone and can be in silence if I want to.

Time on my own also helps me recharge and de stress - in fact it has always been essential for my mental health.

We have DC and the weekend and school holidays are busy and filled with family activities.

Since DH has been off work, I have started to feel very stressed due to the lack of alone time. He is in the house all day, usually just on his laptop. I don't know if I am too sensitive, but I can "feel" his energy. He is often stressed and anxious (he always has been like this), and it's like I absorb it. He tends to want to talk to me about problems throughout the day - admin issues, things that need fixing, general problems, his mental health. I feel like my head is exploding.

This morning I couldn't take it any more. He had spent a few hours yesterday talking to me about various issues and I felt exhausted. I said to him that I can't keep listening to all his problems, and he got hurt and said "that's what normal couples do, they support each other". He says that's it's normal for couples to just randomly talk to each other about problems/admin throughout the day. I totally get that we need to communicate about stuff, but now that he's here all the time, I would rather that he/we saved up any issues we want to talk about and maybe agree to talk about them at a set time, otherwise it seems like we are talking about problems throughout the day and I find it draining.

I said that I really needed my own space during the week (I was apologising for saying it, and said that I know I am very sensitive to people's moods) and again, he got hurt and annoyed and said "Fine, I'm not allowed in my own house now. Where do you want me to go?"

I don't know what to do. He is depressed and on anti depressants - I feel that soon I will need to be on anti depressants.

It's hard as he is not always like this, but I think his depression can make him difficult to be around - and that's currently about 80% of the time. I was even thinking maybe I could go to stay in a hotel for a night once a month, but it's just too expensive.

He does occasionally get out of the house for exercise, but it's not very often. I just miss the head space and time alone in the house and feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get it on a regular basis. Even if he's in a different part of the house, I can't really relax, as I can sense his energy, and feel that he may at any time want to talk to me. I don't know if that's normal/ unreasonable or not, but it's how I feel.

Not sure what I'm asking really- maybe if anyone has been through something similar and had any advice?

I don't have any advice, but i certainly don't think it's unreasonable of you to feel the way you do. I would feel the same.

You may have to accept to have your space alone you need to go out of the house. Could you go out in your own during the weekend or a couple of evenings a week?
Another option is use your bedroom more and go up there for a read etc. I have a di not disturb sign I purchased during lockdown and that works well. I also a solo love solo cinema trip, pottering around the shops and swimming. Could you try something like this?

Have you pointed out that it's not all about him?

That if he thinks you are not supporting him then he is very misguided.

Have you said, what happens to the family if I break at the same time?

So for me to continue to help you and everything else you need to listen to me now.

Have you pointed to stuff online that some structure for his days would help him?

Gentle tasks to start with. But very much in the housework department, that day after day after day on the pc, is not going to sort this out.

How about getting a a bath. Radio on. One hour a day of uninterrupted peace when at home.

You aren’t being U at all.

The world doesn’t revolve around him and you deserve a bit of headspace.

What is he doing to help himself apart from taking anti-depressants?

Basically OP if my H was not doing everything in his power to help himself, hence our family, and not listening to my smaller requests I would go loopy-lou.

And by everything I would mean diet, exercise, sleep, media content, structure to his day, professional help, and not just a prescription for antidepressants.

Would he agree to a set time every day where he leaves you alone for an hour or two, even if you just hole up in the bedroom? But yes, first you need a conversation about balancing both your needs and the fact that you can't keep supporting him when you're pouring from an empty cup. He needs to understand that his MH problems impact you as well as him and there has to be some give and take.

Your DH is being VERY unfair.

Aside from taking anti-depressants and giving up work altogether(!) what is he actually doing to help himself feel better? And presumably go back to work? Assuming you don’t plan to live off savings forever? Is there not a long term plan?

Thank you all for your replies.

@frozendaisy yes I have tried to point out that it's not all about him. He ends up looking really hurt and says something like "I can't help it if I'm depressed, I'm sorry if I'm not the man you want me to be" and I end up feeling really guilty. He doesn't want me to tell him what to do eg housework. To be fair, he is doing a lot of the cooking. I am just struggling with the lack of alone time, and the fact that he doesn't seem to have any motivation or plan re going back to work. He has said that he would love to be a stay at home dad, but unfortunately it would not be possible on my salary long term.

It's awful to admit, but I feel his lack of ambition and motivation is lowering my respect for him. I know I shouldn't feel like that and should be more understanding, as depression is an illness - its just that he's been like this since I met him.

@TwilightSkies "What is he doing to help himself apart from taking anti-depressants?"
He is occasionally going out for a bike ride. Apart from that, nothing. I have tried to help him so much over the years. I have arranged counsellors, (he has had a lot of counselling and different therapies), suggested exercise, socialising, changing his job etc etc. I think he is chronically depressed and nothing can help.

@Hurryupandleave I have told him that his mental health problems affect me. He just looks annoyed and says he is sorry. He said today "What do you want me to do? It would be easier for you if I just disappeared". I end up feeling so awful and guilty. I am not sure if I am being unsympathetic (as my DH seems to think) or if I have just put up with all of this for too long (I've been with him for 18 years) and in fact have been too sympathetic and let him get away with murder.

He ends up looking really hurt and says something like "I can't help it if I'm depressed, I'm sorry if I'm not the man you want me to be" and I end up feeling really guilty

I would reply 'you being depressed doesn't mean I stop having needs and feelings. It's not about you being the man I want you to be, it's about basic consideration for my happiness and respect for my feelings'. Don't let him shut you down by guilt tripping you, it sounds like you've been putting your needs on hold to support him for quite a long time and he's got a little too used to everything revolving around him. You are not merely his support person, you matter too

What would happen if you said you feel you can't share your feelings with him because his reaction is to make it about him and make you feel blackmailed and coerced?

@Fencebreaker he's not really doing anything to help himself feel better. There is no long term plan. He loves not being at work and says he would love never to have to work again. We can survive on our savings for about a year, then I think he would have to go back to some job, although at that point I guess he could try to claim benefits? I have no idea.

What I don't know is if I should be being sympathetic and understanding and saying that he needs to rest and relax as he has depression, or if I should be a bit more directive and saying he needs to do more to work on himself and try to get better and go back to work. I have been the former way for years. I have occasionally tried to be more directive and tell him that how he is has a detrimental affect on me and the family, but he just gets angry and upset so I then back down.

@Tilllly he would probably say "Well I can't share my feelings with you either" and then storm off.

The more I am writing on this thread, the more I am realising how bad it sounds. To be honest, if I won the lottery I don't think I would stay with him. Its just that it would be so hard financially if we split up.

It feels like he wants to be a the only one with issues, victim like attitude so he can get away with doing nothing.
How old is he? What age are the children, do you even need a SAHP?

@TomatoSandwiches I know what you mean, but if you have ongoing depression, does that mean that you literally are not able to get out of it? I think he feels that he has worked hard and now deserves a break. I have had depression myself, but as soon as I realised I was depressed I pulled all the stops out to get better. Conversely, DH has been depressed for most of the time that I have been with him, and has always seemed to give in to it. It seems more chronic, and more of a personality trait with him.

He is 48, and the children are 12 and 15, so no real need for a sahp.

If he is not working, and the family is surviving on your part time wage, then maybe in the event of a separation you would not be taking such a huge financial hit?
Do you rent or pay a mortgage?

@DelphiniumBlue my wage is also being supplemented by our savings, we couldn't survive on solely my wage unfortunately. Yes we pay a mortgage.

My ex was at home all the time for years and also liked to refer to himself as a “ house husband” .He refused to look for work, saying he was “overqualified”. He was always there and to make it worse he had the tv on all the time.I never really got that all - important silence except at night.
I get the way you feel, it’s draining and suffocating.

I left him as it was too stressful to stay like that indefinitely. My ex didn’t have diagnosis of depression but I’m sure I noticed mood swings.
People like that drag you down with their negative energy.

If your dh shows no signs of wanting to help himself then separation may be the way to go.

I’m enjoying life again now, have my own house and space.

Your mental health is important and I have a suspicion that he’s guilt tripping you.

This is so sad that I would separate or your life will be ruined (I don’t say that lightly as marriage is for life) but not if it’s making you so unhappy

he sounds selfish and isn’t giving anything back

It is completely reasonable to say to someone “not now” if they are wanting to access emotional support from you when you are needing to recharge. Very unreasonable of him to make you feel bad about that, imo

I have a dear friend who was in your situation once, her DP was signed off with depression and is still unemployed 5 years later because he gets anxious just thinking about working. Meanwhile she juggles her full time job, after school childcare, sorting out their house, housework, cooking, basically everything. He sits around playing video games and talking to his online friends. She had to give up her dream of having another DC because she can’t afford not having her (busy) job and he’s probably never planning to work again. She’s also effectively trapped with him/scared to leave him because he would be homeless and probably kill himself (as he hinted a few times). He also never leaves the house not even to take their DC out or something.

I don’t mean to scare you but what steps is your DH taking to get back to work? Is he actively taking care of his mental health, getting therapy, medication? Can he look for part time jobs at least? Remote jobs? Something less stressful than his previous career? What is his long term plan when he knows you can’t afford to have him stay at home forever?

I am generally all for importance of mental health (if the person actually wants to be helped) and based on your first paragraphs I would say “compromise, take a few hours for yourself and see if you can spend some time with him every day as well and show him you care”. However if he doesn’t really want to be helped or work towards getting back to work, then it is absolutely not sustainable and for you it must be utterly draining. Maybe not even so much about alone time as such, but about not wanting to be around him because it’s exhausting.

He doesn’t sound to me as though he’s doing anything to get out of his depression. Since your savings are going to go on living expenses anyway, wouldn’t it be better to separate now?

I totally get you. The same happened to me during lockdown. I was working but when I came home the others in the house were always there. The only time I had to myself was driving to work - 10mins each way!!! It drove me up the wall and I felt like I was losing my mind - my anxiety certainly increased during this time.

If he is not working could he take the DC out at set times every day for maybe an hour so that you have time to yourself, whether to work, catch up round the house or just to relax and have peace?

But you say your savings which currently supplement your earnings, will only last a year. What happens at the end of the year? You'll have no savings, and he still won't be working . It doesn't sound like he has any intention of getting a job, and will be less employable at the end of the year than he is now.
It may be that you will ( jointly) be entitled to benefits but maybe not. If he wont go to the gp then there will be no paperwork to back up a claim, and that's assuming the gp would provide the necessary certification. There is also the fact that you are choosing not to work full time yourself.
I'd suggest b that you do check out the benefits situation with or without a separation. I can't see that you would be better off staying with him long term.
And why are you accepting that it is ok to be using up all your savings? What do you think will happen when the money runs out?
Time for you to take control.