Family think I’m not good enough

[NeverBeGoodEnough]

I’ve name changed as I don’t want this linked to my other posts.
I’m not sure which section this belongs in really.
Yet another extended family member has looked down at me. Our extended families are all quite well off, we are not. This was never a problem for me (in the sense of comparisons) because I am a grateful for what I have kind of person. This seemed ok by some of the extended family BEFORE we had DC. We are not broke, we can afford everything our children need. They have clothes, toys, go on school trips, well fed etc. They have everything they need. What we don’t have is extra money for house renovations, cleaners, savings and exotic holidays. Our extended family are able to do all of those things, and since we have had DC, family tell us straight that our DC ‘deserve better’. We have been told that we ‘should make ourselves a success like them’ and they tell us we are cruel because our DC are deprived of the finer things in life, ‘think of the kids’. They look at us like we are scum because we buy our clothes in Asda and don’t own the latest and greatest things. My contentment in my life is starting to fade away. My husband works hard. I have chronic long term illnesses that I’ve long given up explaining to them, as they don’t try to understand them at all. I feel ill and exhausted most of the time, but they have made up their minds it’s laziness. They seem to forget how hard I worked before my illnesses. Everything is a struggle now so I can do less, but it takes as much effort as when I was working full time. The message is constant that they see us as failures, and it hurts so much. I hate the way they look at us, the way they patronise us and the way they treat us as less than. I don’t know how to stop myself internalising all of this. I think love is more important than fancy holidays, but maybe that isn’t enough in this modern world? Would you look down on me?

I have a chronic illness and we are not as well off as my in-laws. Both my husband and I work in the public sector. We don't struggle to pay bills but can't just spend, spend, spend.
My in laws are particularly hard on my DH like he is an embarrassment for not earning a 6 figure salary. They, like your family, think I'm lazy. I can still work but my house is not like a show home like their's. I do not have the energy for that. It is clean enough but not spotless. It is definitely a bit untidy too but there is only so much we can do, whilst working and running around after the kids with football and dancing.
It gets to me sometimes too but you just have to remember what is important to you. And stick to your guns. I would change the subject whenever comments are made. Or even distance yourself a little from them.

I’d be proud to call you my friend.
The next time anyone starts this character assassination put your hand up in front of them and say ‘Stop right there, this stops now. I’ve had enough of your criticism of our life choices. Our children are not deprived, they are loved, housed, clothed and fed.’
Or just walk away. I bet they are in debt up to their eyeballs.

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. They have made me laugh and cry in equal measure. It’s sad to read that a few have you have been treated similarly. All of your responses have helped me feel a little better. It’s good to know that there are people out there who wouldn’t judge us, and don’t think bad of us for having a bit less. Thank you.

If anything, I would look up to you. Coping with chronic illness(es) is no mean feat. Valuing love over material possessions and holidays is something I would look for and value in a friend.

To judge someone with chronic illness and to treat others as ‘less than’ is the failing.

For me, a big part of success is how someone copes with adversity, their personal qualities and values and particularly how they treat others.

I would absolutely NOT look down on you, no. You sound lovely! Your extended family, on the other hand, sound judgemental and unpleasant. I mean imagine actually being like that?! My flabber is gasted!

@Automaticforthepeople and @ThePensivePig Thank you both for your kind comments. It’s hard sometimes to block out the message that we aren’t good enough in our families eyes. Your words have boosted me. I don’t know why I allow them to get into my head.

The key thing that your children need is parents who love them and have time for them.

I would say in a super sweet tone - Oh, thank you for your input- then change the subject. Every time. Then start saying it’s rather tedious that you repeat, do you not remember you said X so many times

stayathomer · 10/05/2023 23:10
Op you say about your illness and how you are very tired, is there any chance they’re worried things are slipping and are failing in putting it across properly?

I thought this, it does seem seem unusual for an entire family to be so crass and awful. Is there any chance they are legitimately worried about you?

@stayathomer and @TidyHomeTidyMind No, it’s purely about wealth. They aren’t interested in my health conditions in the slightest. They mock me for my health conditions and call themselves ‘tough cookies’ because they don’t have any chronic illnesses themselves.
The other family members are nearly all 6 figure earners or close to it (1 per couple), we are not. Their disgust is all aimed at our lack of material things.