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Original poster

Friends engagement, feeling low

10 replies

Buyingisnofun · 09/05/2023 23:28

Broke up with my long term boyfriend just before Christmas - hadn’t been perfect but still good and very much his choice to end things not mine. I’d got to the age (past 30) of thinking marriage & kids were in the cards. Thought I’d been doing okay given the situation but my close friend messaged me to say she’s got engaged (all the rest are married already) and I just burst into tears….

I’m glad for her but I feel like a failure like I’m the one of all my friends who invested so much time in someone who didn’t even want me in the end. Anyone with tips for how to deal with such feelings / manage them in person? I really want to be happy for her not awkward when I next see her.

OP posts:
Youdoyoubabe · 09/05/2023 23:31

This sucks and it will burn until a stronger emotion comes along to eclipse it. Time will heal as it always does. Take some time do something kind for someone else and something kind for yourself before the end of the day and you may tip the balance of your emotions even before bedtime.

Hiddenvoice · 10/05/2023 07:04

It’s a hard one because you’re grieving what you had and seeing someone you love get what you want.
Just keep reminding yourself that it’s okay to feel this way and it will soon pass. Try not let these feelings impact your friendship. Often we don’t really tell those close to us that we feel jealous or envious of the life they have. You never know that she may have felt the same way you did when other friends got engaged and married. Just be there for her and let her talk all about it.
Then try to remind yourself that you invested your time in the wrong person, that you weren’t very happy and wouldn’t want a commitment from someone who isn’t right. Once you’re ready start dating again. You never know what can happen!

evuscha · 10/05/2023 07:25

OP, it must be hard, I was in a similar position (minus the breakup which must make things harder) when I was 30 and everyone was getting married and having kids.
I packed my bags and moved to London and decided to have an amazing adventure, new experiences, new people…. I met DH shortly after and I’m 36 now, married with 1 DD and second on the way.
You’re still young, and while it’s hard seeing everyone getting married, you can take some time for yourself, explore new hobbies, travel… You have plenty of time to meet the right person and have the marriage and kids (and meanwhile some adventures before that happens). 💐

Claysta · 10/05/2023 07:29

This was me in my early 30’s, all my friends were beginning to settle down, all I seemed to do was go to engagement parties, attend hen do’s, weddings … I met my now DH at 35 and got married at 38. You are still young, try and embrace this time and do things for yourself. I look back now and wish I’d not worried so much in my early 30’s.

RoseRobot · 10/05/2023 07:35

That is so hard. God, I hated my twenties. I was alone. Everyone i knew was happily married. I felt like a freak who had tried so hard with a man who was actually pretty horrible to me, only to have him chuck me in a spectacularly damaging way in my early twenties and then I just never met anyone who wanted more than a ONS. I felt like I had a sign on my head that said: Not A Keeper.

The thing is, that the truth sounds like platitudes. I met DH eventually. We have now been together almost 30 years and get on so well. We almost never row (maybe once every three years). We had DC late in life - I was 39 when I had my first child. It stops mattering when you meet the right person.

For now, the thing is to take good care of yourself and ensure you don't slip into the mindset 'must be something wrong with me'. Focus on enjoying life, progressing your career and taking excellent care of your fitness and health etc but do get out there. I met DH on a bitter winter night when my friend asked me to come out for the evening and I said no because I felt like curling up in front of the fire but she nagged me, so we went and by the end of the evening I knew he was the person I'd been waiting for, and so did he. In one night.

RoseRobot · 10/05/2023 07:39

Another tip which really does work. It was true of DH. If you never meet the right man, RAISE your standards, don't lower them. Look for someone brighter, kinder, harder working, more feminist, further on in their career, more financially independent, kinder socially etc etc than whoever you met before. Turn your radar up high for a good man with great qualities and turn the radar off for the kind who flirt in bars and love bomb and waste your time.

evuscha · 10/05/2023 07:42

RoseRobot · 10/05/2023 07:35

That is so hard. God, I hated my twenties. I was alone. Everyone i knew was happily married. I felt like a freak who had tried so hard with a man who was actually pretty horrible to me, only to have him chuck me in a spectacularly damaging way in my early twenties and then I just never met anyone who wanted more than a ONS. I felt like I had a sign on my head that said: Not A Keeper.

The thing is, that the truth sounds like platitudes. I met DH eventually. We have now been together almost 30 years and get on so well. We almost never row (maybe once every three years). We had DC late in life - I was 39 when I had my first child. It stops mattering when you meet the right person.

For now, the thing is to take good care of yourself and ensure you don't slip into the mindset 'must be something wrong with me'. Focus on enjoying life, progressing your career and taking excellent care of your fitness and health etc but do get out there. I met DH on a bitter winter night when my friend asked me to come out for the evening and I said no because I felt like curling up in front of the fire but she nagged me, so we went and by the end of the evening I knew he was the person I'd been waiting for, and so did he. In one night.

That happened to me too - met my lovely DH on a night out that I canceled as I didn’t feel like going anywhere.
They say it comes when you least expect it - and it’s true! - but you still need to get out there and go places where you can meet people.
Good luck OP!

Shivvy120 · 11/05/2023 12:43

This is a tough situation. My best friend actually reacted badly when I got engaged. She had been in a few long terms, which didn't work out, she ended up being dumped each time. I could see on her face when I told her she was upset. It was very awkward for me. I didn't want to feel bad for her because I was on a high myself. I noticed she actually distanced herself from me since getting married, but she is in a relationship now and has kinda reached out again which is nice. I think what you should do is concentrate on yourself and your own life, maybe pick up a new hobby or just do things you enjoy in general. Help your friend with planning her hen, make it your business to get her to have a great night. I think pulling away would nearly be worse for you because you'd just be left alone with your thought about this.
Also, just Because this lady is getting married, doesn't mean she's suddenly going to be living a happier or better life than you because she's married. It definitely isn't like the fairytales when you hop on your white horse and ride offing the sunset...
Be lucky that you are young free and single! You still have lots of time for kids. And you can jump in the dating pool and see what's out there! have fun!

SunflowerTed · 11/05/2023 23:36

Best that he has ended things now rather than you wasting more time. I’ve been in a similar situation and met my husband when I was 38. You have plenty of time xxx

Whataretheodds · 11/05/2023 23:47

For now, the thing is to take good care of yourself and ensure you do n't slip into the mindset 'must be something wrong with me'. Focus on enjoying life, progressing your career and taking excellent care of your fitness and health etc but do get out there

I second this, and would add: live the life you want to be living. If you want to be with someone sporty, do sports. If you want to meet someone who's into outdoor adventures, do ourdoor adventures.

Also, once you realise you're committed to having sex with only this one person for the rest of your life, you realise how glad you were to have had all those other experiences.

This is going to end up being a fantastic turn of events for you

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