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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just don’t know what to do anymore, feel so lost and alone

9 replies

Lostlostlostagain · 09/05/2023 21:24

Hi, so I have, well had, what I thought were two really good friends that go back years and years (now in our 50’s). One friend has been struggling quite badly over the past few years, to a point she doesn’t always want to talk/meet up as she just cries every time bless her and doesn’t want to go into the reasons why. I have respected this, but it has also meant she hasn’t been able to be there for me when I’ve needed someone. I haven’t said this to her as I don’t want to make her feel bad, but on top of this, the other friend has been very flaky all of this year so far. One week we would be in contact nearly every day, laughing about something or another and taking the piss out of eachother, normal old time friend stuff, then she will just go quiet on me. It’s seems like this has now come to a head of not talking to me at all. Now, I know they are both having shit times and I’m not trying to put them down in anyway, I understand that, but this does leave me feeling completely isolated with no one to turn to. I don’t have a single friend that I can talk to if I need to and trust me, I have needed to. I’m not saying I blame them in anyway for my lack of friends, I’m just explaining their situations for a bit of context on how I’m feeling and why. I love them both dearly and this isn’t really about my relationships with them, just more about how to deal with feeling like this. I guess I’m just upset about never being able to talk about or share anything with anyone. I’ve had some seriously shit times myself that neither of them know about, but also some really happy times that would be nice to share, but I just can’t and it’s a very lonely feeling. I’m even worried about posting this a bit, as I really do hate upsetting other people (which they both know), it really does make me feel sick and ill and id hate for either of them to read this and think it’s a dig at them in anyway, as it really isn’t, I just need to express my feelings somehow, which I can’t do to either of them directly without it coming across like I’m trying to guilt trip them. I do feel let down by them, but that isn’t actually their fault and I know that. How can I stop overthinking this and move on? It’s not like it’s easy to make new friends these days. I think I must let off some kind of vibe that just makes people run a mile. I only ever talk about anything personal if asked, but that’s usually after I have listened for a good half an hour or so about the other persons problems, so it’s not like I’m trying to burden them with my issues constantly, I just don’t get it. I’m grieving the loss of my 2 best friendships, so please be kind. I know that may sounds dramatic, but that’s how it feels to me.

OP posts:
Lostlostlostagain · 09/05/2023 21:25

Blimey I really do sound so miserable, sorry.. no wonder no one wants to be friends with me!! And that sounds like I’m back in high school 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 09/05/2023 21:30

You haven’t lost them- your friendship is just in a valley right now.

How are they supposed to know you’ve had tough times if you haven’t told them? Most people are so wrapped up in themselves. Have you thought about just inviting them round for a good catch up?

Whataretalkingabout · 09/05/2023 21:38

Maybe your friends think that you don't share enough about yourself so they feel less inclined to be honest with you? It is hard to know from the outside. It does seem like you are a cherished friend who does listen. Just tell each one separately that you are really missing and needing them right now. Surely they will reach out to you.

Good luck. In the meantime be your own best friend and be good and gentle with yourself. ;)

Lostlostlostagain · 09/05/2023 21:58

Thank you for your replies. How can I tell them when they don’t make time to talk to me anymore or ask how I am? The occasions I have heard from them, it’s via text and them telling me they are having too much of a crap time to talk to me or meet up, so I’m not exactly going to start talking about myself. This is what I mean, they just don’t give me the time of day anymore to be able to share how I feel

OP posts:
XBealtaine · 09/05/2023 22:04

Maybe suggest going away/meeting up, just to "be there for each other". No obligation to share or support. Just afternoon tea. Dykwim?
I dont think they are in a situation to support you.

Lostlostlostagain · 09/05/2023 22:28

They won’t make time to talk to me to even suggest meeting up. I know they aren’t in a position to support me, which I fully acknowledge, hence the long message explaining why I’m feeling so alone with no one to talk to.

OP posts:
Odile13 · 10/05/2023 06:18

I’m sorry OP, you sound like a really nice and thoughtful person and it is bad luck that you have found yourself in this position as you have obviously made the effort to keep the friendships going. As you have said, it sounds like neither of these women are in a position to give you what you need. All you can do I think is occasionally reach out and see if either are in a better place. At the moment I think you can’t quite accept that they aren’t who you wish they were - which is leading to more disappointment.

I know it’s hard to make new friends but it sounds like you might need to explore some new options. Perhaps look into local groups or try a new interest? It’s not going to fix things quickly but at the moment things aren’t going the way you want so it can’t hurt to try. Or maybe look into counselling if you need somebody to talk to without the friendship component.

Lostlostlostagain · 10/05/2023 10:10

Thank you, that’s really good advice, I just wish it was that easy to start looking at new activities etc as I also have social anxiety, so find it extremely hard to go to new places on my own. I am already waiting for cbt (since being referred in January!) so it all just feels a little hopeless… your right though, I am finding it hard to accept as we have always, always been there for eachother, but looking back, it is usually me being there more than they are for me, just in little ways, but I am constantly trying to find ways to make my friends smile, it’s just something I think about a lot when I know they’re sad. I guess I just live for trying to make people happy, which I can now see if a big weakness that I need to work on. Oh I don’t know, I just, I don’t even know how to finish that sentence

OP posts:
Odile13 · 10/05/2023 20:26

I know what you mean OP, it is hard to make new connections and of course you will miss these two women. I hope you get CBT soon and start to feel better 💐

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