I have resentment but aibu?

[elizaka]

I've been with DH for over 10 years now, we have 2 children, one eleven and the other five.

We have very different views of life and work etc and for so long it has worked but I find myself wondering if I have grown out of this now and whether i am being reasonable.

I'm very career orientated, work long hours and am the higher earner by far. I run round stressed out trying to make sure the kids are where they need to be, juggling chores with work and work travel. Admittedly DH does not get the best of me.

Whilst my DH cooks and puts washing in from time to time and will read to our youngest, he generally won't work on the house (it's old) even simple painting, it's generally me who does the house stuff, painting, fixing things etc. he has a very different work ethic so his full day is generally 4 hours of work, then he sits watching tv, goes fishing or one of his many hobbies.

For a long time, I've just let this happen, for an easy life but also in the hope he might one day realise and take action for his wife who is stressed and exhausted without me having to tell him.

Fast forward, huge argument last week and he told me I am too serious, life is for living and he enjoys his hobbies and said I should get one. I'd love one but we have 2 amazing children who I put first and who get the rest of me when I'm not working etc. I have huge resentment as I feel like I work work work for us to have a life but he just seems to want his hobbies. I feel like we are going in different directions and generally I'm just not happy. There is also a drink element where he binges, behaves like a child, then says he's not drinking, then binges. I can't keep up and am honestly exhausted.

AIBU?

What positives is he bringing to your life that he couldn't do from his own home whilst looking after his DC 50% of the time and clearing up after them/running them round etc?

Because you seem to be providing him with the life he wants to lead; good income, kids taken care of, clean home etc. maybe he needs to be reminded that if you split up he'll be doing considerably more than he does now and possibly won't have the time/money for all his hobbies.

Essentially your partnership should make your life better, but it seems in this case it's making his life better and your life worse.

A divorce would improve your quality of life and decrease his.

Has this changed since you’ve been together, did he used to be a grafter like you?

My criteria for staying with someone is that my life is better with them in it than without.

How does he fit that criteria ?

No you’re not being unreasonable to feel resentment. It seems a very unbalanced division of labour. I agree with other posters that you need to decide if your life is better with him as he is. People generally don’t change, they can, but generally don’t unless they have an important enough reason to.

Well you're financially supporting him to only work 4 hours a day

So dump him and then the useless fucker will either be happy living in a studio flat doing his hobbies or he will wise up 🤷‍♀️

Either way you don't have to put up with it - he's a cocklodger

You are some mug OP.

What a lazy selfish waster you chose, who has alcohol issues too🙄.

Divorce him before you end up giving him half your pension as well as everything else.

You are being made an utter fool of by him.

Wake up.

You deserve better.

Your children certainly do.

What a complete loser.

Leave him to fund his hobbies🙄.

Think about the relationship modeling your children see.

Mum a foolish workhorse.
Dad a selfish lazy waster.

You have three children.

I highly suggest you give an eviction notice to the big, useless one.

He can go live the life of Riley with someone else's money, not yours.

Honestly, you should be more angry with yourself than with him. You are the one allowing this man to rip the absolute piss out of you. He's a selfish cocklodger with a drinking problem. What a horrible example for your kids.

This may not be popular but I have found it helpful on here when there's a mix of views so here goes.
Do you have fun together? Do you communicate well. Do you share some of the same values in life and raising children.
Is it worth seeing if you can come to a compromise. Be clear on what you are willing to do around the house. Talk about how much money you both need to bring in. Do fun stuff with the kids together and find a hobby together.
Just suggestions.

Does he only get paid for working 4 hours a day or does he have a full time job that's flexible?

I think YABU. It sounds to me like you have put yourself under immense pressure as you are career driven and aspirational. There is nothing wrong with being like that, however you can’t force your husband to feel the same. I am getting that you resent his more relaxed life. Maybe having a pristine home and big wage is not very important to him. He may feel that you spend your whole life working at the expense of enjoying it. Maybe he has a point? The resentment is getting more now the children are older and not as much work, so now your husband has more time for his hobbies? It sounds like your life is all work work work - there are plenty oh stories on here about the pain of living with workaholics (people that can’t relax) . Maybe you are suffering burnout from the effort of having everything just right. Is it possible that you are trying to force him to share your opinions on life? A alcohol problem is a big issue in a relationship and can make people withdraw- is it a drink problem or just more than you would like? If he does not have a drink issue then I would not end the relationship and instead get some relationship counselling. Don’t underestimate the stress of divorce on you all. We only get one life and you should make time for fun - you earn well so get a painter and decorator in.

Unless I’m missing something, he can work 4 hours a day because you’re the main breadwinner and can afford it with your income? “Life is for living” well how easy to say when someone else is paying the bills. Wouldn’t we all want to work less and have more time for hobbies. He needs a reality check.

I think it's okay not to be so work oriented but then you should take up most of the slack outside of work: most of the kids' chores, taking them to hobbies, doing homework with them, all the school admin etc. All of the weekday housework, and then sharing it at weekends. Doing most of the weekday cooking and shopping. Leaving the weekdays clear for the more career focused person to chill and enjoy the home when they finish work. Weekends are a bit different, I think you should share the load a bit then, unless you also work weekends.

What is not fair is to work hard all week and also take on most of the domestic and childcare load.

to clear up what I am saying, some people are perfectionists and like everything done their way. If @elizaka is like this then she expects her husband to do everything as she does. That is not fair as he has his own way/values. She said she was a workaholic, and many women complain regularly about their workaholic husbands as they have exacting standard for them. It can be very tiring living with a workaholic, especially one that can’t relax on weekends after working all week and then pulls the painting gear out. With regards to division of labour, he must be doing a lot of the running around if she is working long hours. In effect he is a stay at home dad and now kids are older and easier him putting his feet up is irritating her. Only @elizaka knows the dynamics, and I might be totally off but that’s what I am getting.

Be very careful OP - I was in a very similar position in my marriage - two years separated now going through divorce and he's being greedy and grabby and availing himself of the sort of arguments a woman who has given up her career to be a homemaker would make when he did no such thing.

It doesn't necessarily follow that because someone was the lesser earner they bore more of the domestic burden. Certainly not the case in my marriage. He cooked but not much else. He still (2years post-separation) doesn't know who the kids' doctor is and can't seem to make a parent evening or school concert.