Baby 13m ago, now marriage on rocks. Please help.

WhatsMyUsername89 · 2023-05-09T16:19:56+00:00

Our DD was born 13 months ago. Everyone warns you about the impact on your relationship but Christ I feel so miserable. My DH is amazing with our DD, probably a better parent than me. All my friends moan about how little their partners do with DC but that’s not my DH, he’s amazing. I guess the relationship with us has fallen away. I feel like everything is SO negative all the time whenever I say anything, he’s always a glass half empty. DD has an eczema patch on her leg, to which my DH repeats at least 16 times a today “we should have been moisturising that when it first came up”. I respond that I’ve got appropriate cream from pharmacy and have started applying it. But he just goes on and on and on about how we should have started moisturising it when it first came up. I agree, we should have, we didn’t, let’s move on and do something about it. Our evening consists of DD to bed we eat dinner then I go upstairs and he stays downstairs. I’ve tried bringing it up, but he just brushes it off and says “I think we’re fine.” He thinks because he offers me money for clothes/makeup/shoes that’s how he shows me how much he loves me, he “wouldn’t do that if there was issues” but I guess that’s not my love language is it, I don’t want money. We haven’t had a date night since DD was born, I’ve bought this up and he just says “we go out for lunch all the time with DD, we don’t need to leave her” I don’t really know what to do, because I know what a slippery slope it is and I’m worried if it isn’t sorted now it’ll spiral. Please help

HazelBite · 09/05/2023 17:26

Is he happy with the status quo and how things are? Is it just you that is unhappy or are things "stale" for both of you?

TheYear2000 · 09/05/2023 17:53

What do you say when he says you don't need a date night because you go out for lunch with the baby?

I can completely understand you wanting time with him as a couple to reconnect away from the baby occasionally.

Maybe it's more communication problems between you than something more irresolvable? Would he be open to couples therapy to work on the relationship?

VirgoQueen · 09/05/2023 18:01

What was it like before DD? He sounds very over protective of her understandably but perhaps too much

Seaoftroubles · 09/05/2023 18:04

What we're things like before your daughter was born, was your DH more attentiveve towards you and better company then? Also why do you go upstairs after your dinner and he stay downstairs, don't you ever just have a chat and a cuppa together, and watch a bit of TV before bed?

EarthSight · 09/05/2023 21:35

What's he like on any days out together, or just a walk to the park? Is he the type to start flapping or huffing if you're trying to find a space to park and it looks at bit full?

Doesn't sound like you're spending much time together as a couple. Does he seem motivated to spend time with you specifically (instead of you + daughter)? Does he seem interested in you?

Sorry OP but the constant reference to that patch of eczmea really comes across like he wants to hold you accountable but doesn't actually want to spell it out. Like he brings is up to make you feel guilty and have a little dose of emotional punishment each time because he's still resentful about it.

MMmomDD · 09/05/2023 22:03

OP - are you a SAHM right now?

I think what is happening is somewhat natural. Having a child changes the dynamics of the couple and it takes time to find what it is going to be. You need a balance between you as parents and you as a couple. It is not easy.

Especially as new parents that are naturally anxious about leaving baby on their own. Your H seems very involved and very anxious about your daughter. In general - the involvement is a good thing - most men aren’t this tuned in.

The anxiety - is something that you two will figure out how to manage. I was an anxious parent myself when my kids were babies - and I know how it feels. It’s an instinct to protect the keep them safe that is hard to fight against.
For eg - It’s not personal against you when he says this thing about eczema. It’s an annoyance at himself for not doing enough to keep his baby daughter safe (healthy, etc)

I can think back to that time in my kids lives and for me they became the center of my life. Marriage and adult relationships were sort of on pause during that time for me.

Now -him being that way is making you unhappy. If you are a SAHM - then part of the issue is that you have spent 13mo at home, mostly with a baby, and you need to start having more of a grown up - you time. It may or may not be all about time with your H.
As a couple - of course you need to start having some time on your own. Is there any family nearby that can help?
I did struggle trusting anyone with my baby early on. But eventually - you’ll need to have some babysitting.

To summarise. I don’t think your relationship is in trouble. But I do think you are not talking or, rather, not listening to each other. You both have feelings,
fears and needs that you should start talking about to figure out what your marriage evolves to, now that there are 3 of you.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 09/05/2023 22:23

How interesting- two bery different takes on the eczema-repetition.

Either he’s punishing you, or he’s punishing himself.

The whole post screams of hyper-anxiety from him. He needs to get it sorted and the first step is to accept his behaviour is having an impact on you.

lauraloulou1 · 09/05/2023 23:09

Yeah super smart responses here. To me it sounds like he anxious about parenting and its just hit him like a tonne of bricks as I am sure it has you but in a different way. You need to take more time to yourself - have friend dates to start even if he not keen to leave DD? Or book a babysitter and a night off and just tell him when to show up? When he actually has time away he may be able to reflect on the worries and whatever is going on with the ezema stuff?

Feelinadequate23 · 10/05/2023 07:30

OP this does sound worrying to me. We also have a 13 month old and manage to go on quite a few dates. My parents live 30 mins away and are very happy to come and sit in our house with a take away whilst we go out for dinner round the corner. Would something like this be possible for you? Or a lunch out just the 2 of you while DD naps?

You could start to initiate a change by staying downstairs with DH in the evening so you have some quality time together. Why do you always head straight up?

YRGAM · 10/05/2023 14:03

MMmomDD · 09/05/2023 22:03

OP - are you a SAHM right now?

I think what is happening is somewhat natural. Having a child changes the dynamics of the couple and it takes time to find what it is going to be. You need a balance between you as parents and you as a couple. It is not easy.

Especially as new parents that are naturally anxious about leaving baby on their own. Your H seems very involved and very anxious about your daughter. In general - the involvement is a good thing - most men aren’t this tuned in.

The anxiety - is something that you two will figure out how to manage. I was an anxious parent myself when my kids were babies - and I know how it feels. It’s an instinct to protect the keep them safe that is hard to fight against.
For eg - It’s not personal against you when he says this thing about eczema. It’s an annoyance at himself for not doing enough to keep his baby daughter safe (healthy, etc)

I can think back to that time in my kids lives and for me they became the center of my life. Marriage and adult relationships were sort of on pause during that time for me.

Now -him being that way is making you unhappy. If you are a SAHM - then part of the issue is that you have spent 13mo at home, mostly with a baby, and you need to start having more of a grown up - you time. It may or may not be all about time with your H.
As a couple - of course you need to start having some time on your own. Is there any family nearby that can help?
I did struggle trusting anyone with my baby early on. But eventually - you’ll need to have some babysitting.

To summarise. I don’t think your relationship is in trouble. But I do think you are not talking or, rather, not listening to each other. You both have feelings,
fears and needs that you should start talking about to figure out what your marriage evolves to, now that there are 3 of you.

This is an excellent post

Opentooffers · 10/05/2023 15:04

By 'we' it looks like he's meaning 'you' given that you are the only one doing something about the eczema.
Next time he comments, I'd ask him if he's using the Royal 'we' as you can't see evidence of him having done anything about it?
He's avoiding bedroom activity by the looks of it. As you say, he is very much a hands on dad, I'm thinking maybe his sexuality has taken a back seat, so he's in Dad mode and too touched out to want anything more. Avoiding date nights could be about avoiding possible sex after too.
How was he during pregnancy? Was he using it to avoid physical intimacy too? - could be Madonna/whore complex in that case.
I suspect he's lost his libido and avoiding situations that might lead to sex, because he's not feeling it. The longer he avoids, the harder it is to resolve. Don't make it about sex, but do bring up that you are unhappy about the lack of intimacy and affection, and feel counselling would help. If he refuses, plan B is to question the relationship- if he's such a dedicated dad, he should then want to do something about it.

Betterbear · 10/05/2023 17:39

You are not entitled to "dates" once you have had a baby. Generally speaking most people live their life one way pre children and then their life changes when their children are born and adapt to a different way of life. The two lives are not ment to run concurrently. Believe it or not most couples are not doing "date nights". Just the very few privileged that have people on hand to help, and not everyone wants time away from their baby.

Emmamoo89 · 10/05/2023 17:42

Betterbear · 10/05/2023 17:39

You are not entitled to "dates" once you have had a baby. Generally speaking most people live their life one way pre children and then their life changes when their children are born and adapt to a different way of life. The two lives are not ment to run concurrently. Believe it or not most couples are not doing "date nights". Just the very few privileged that have people on hand to help, and not everyone wants time away from their baby.

I haven't had time away from my son yet he's 1 but will be arranging date nights with my partner. It's important too

PermanentTemporary · 10/05/2023 17:51

It sounds as if communication has hit a few rocks between you and is still not really working in your new situation.

Could you start really working on positive feedback to him? Is he right that you're going out to lunch with your dd? Can you make a point of telling him how nice it is being out together? If he's focusing on your dd, tell him how proud of him you are, that he's twice the dad you ever dreamed of. One rule- you're not allowed to turn it into criticism of yourself.

Also try to find ways of bringing touch back in, in a respectful way. Long hugs, good morning kisses, anything to find that intimacy again.

About the eczema - again, find a positive. Say how great it is that you've together working on it, that it's stable/getting better.

Original poster

WhatsMyUsername89 · 10/05/2023 18:14

Thanks everyone for your responses.

we did used to go out before DD, but thinking back we’d never call it a date… we’d just go out for lunch, which is what we do now, but obviously DD tags along.

I do work, only part time however! That has definitely helped the relationship as I’m feeling more than just “mum”.

i think I shall try and have a chat this evening with DH.

OP posts: