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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sick of my Boyfriends negative mindset and temper issues.

16 replies

UndeadDollx · 09/05/2023 16:29

I’ve been with my boyfriend 6 years from aug this year, we have a 2 year old girl and currently 6 months pregnant with our second girl.
We’ve been living together for 4 years and it’s come to now for me to think do I really want to live like this.
long story short, I’ve always known him to have a short temper, but nowhere near as bad as it is now, he grew up with a dad who was strict with cleaning, money, just life in general.
To which I believe it’s why he is the way he is today, we argue nearly once a week if not more some weeks and most of the time it’s set off because of his reaction to something so minor, to me leaving a little bit of mess in the bathroom to not knowing what I want to make for tea, mostly every weekend I dread at least one of those days or two he will wake up in a fowl mood and just be a complete dick with the way he speaks to me, I never been easy to blow up until I met him, to a point he brings out my anxiety and making me walk on egg shells around him just so I don’t set him off in a bad mood because I hate arguing and I will NOT allow it in front of my child, to which it has happened a few times and I’m distraught by it. I won’t see my child/children grow up seeing her parents fight like I did mine.
he said he will change, he said he has changed yet i fail to see it, one good week or a couple weeks of no arguing doesn’t fix anything but he thinks it does.
I don’t know if I need to rant, I don’t know what else to do, part of me is done, fed up and depressed because of how up and down we are, I want to leave.
but then another side of me is wanting to fight for us, help him change his ways because I want to marry this man, besides all of the Negativity and temper he is the most amazing man, will help me through anything. But I now think is that really enough.
I’m scared if I do end up having to leave because there is no change to come, how will I do it on my own with a toddler and a newborn, we have a mortgage.. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

OP posts:

pointythings · 09/05/2023 16:35

Well, he's not amazing, is he? You're walking on eggshells and unable to be yourself. You are afraid to stand up for yourself in case you end up arguing in front of your daughter. Think of him as a cup of tea - how much shit would you spoon into your cup? That would be none.

He isn't going to change because behaving like this suits him perfectly. He gets to keep you under his thumb and satisfy his mean streak. Don't put up with it.

TheShellBeach · 09/05/2023 16:38

How many times has he hit you?

TheShellBeach · 09/05/2023 16:38

Or thrown things, or punched a wall, or broken something of yours?

Undertherock · 09/05/2023 16:45

You can’t change people. You really can’t.

The people who have great partners, are either ridiculously lucky, or more likely have moved away, and moved on from problematic ones.

It can help if you’ve grown up with great role models because you tend to spot the red flags so early you don’t even end up in the relationship in the first place.

Is this the relationship imprint you want for your dd?

You’re probably here because of what you saw with your parents. Even though you don’t want to repeat it, at a deeper level you’re feeling drawn to the familiarity in him. It might be worth taking a look at the Freedom Programme.

If you want her to see a healthy relationship you’re going to have to find a better male role model.

LiliLil · 09/05/2023 16:52

You refuse to let your child see you argue, yet she’s seeing you argue. So it’s not a firm line is it? You’re moving your boundaries to suit him. You’re making excuses for him.

He won’t change, and he’s not a good father.

MarinatemysoulinSprite · 09/05/2023 17:14

he is the most amazing man, will help me through anything

No he isn't.

NOTHING in your post suggests amazing in any way whatsoever.

He isn't going to magically change. Not ever.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Is this the sort of life you want for your children?

GrumpyPanda · 09/05/2023 17:23

So his dad's "strict with cleaning". I expect that's not strictness about how/how often he cleans, but about having somebody else do the cleaning? And your BF has inherited his expectation of female domestic servitude? Time to bin the bastard I'd say.

Batalax · 09/05/2023 17:26

Your child is seeing you let him get away with bad behaviour instead of seeing arguments. She needs to see you set boundaries too.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2023 17:37

Your poor daughters will grow up to be with men just like him if you don't get away from him now. Is that what you want? This cycle of dysfunction and abuse to continue? Because it will. This will be their normal.

SavBlancTonight · 09/05/2023 17:44

Agree with other posters, he's not amazing.

his standards and expectations are the ones the whole house has to live to, all the time.
I'm assuming, based on the above, that while it's HIS standards, YOU are the one who does all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, childcare. Ridiculous.
What happens when it's your DC who don't live up to his standards?
How often do you change your behaviour, choose not to do something etc because of him?

Going out on a limb here, I bet it's more than just about cleaning and food etc. Does he have a melt down if you want to go out with friends? Or if you choose to do a little treat for your DD? Perhaps he makes you feel you can't go to the gym or wear certain clothes....?

Frogger8395 · 09/05/2023 17:57

Bet he doesn’t have a terrible temper with anyone else.

KatsWhiskas · 03/09/2023 14:43

Frogger8395 · 09/05/2023 17:57

Bet he doesn’t have a terrible temper with anyone else.

Quite - men like this use their temper as a way to coercively control their partners or children.
They're perfectly able to control it at work or in differences of opinion with other men!

MadeleineMummy · 04/09/2023 14:12

pointythings · 09/05/2023 16:35

He isn't going to change because behaving like this suits him perfectly. He gets to keep you under his thumb and satisfy his mean streak. Don't put up with it.

i agree. Please leave him. He is shitty and your daughter and unborn will grow up thinking this is how men behave and will become an abuser or the abused.

you really need to get out of the relationship.

please

IncompleteSenten · 04/09/2023 18:10

Well. Instead of your daughter growing up seeing her parents argue she'll grow up seeing her dad be abusive and her mum walk on eggshells, be fearful and desperately try to placate him

I'm not sure that's any better tbh. It's certainly not what you want her to think is normal behaviour from men or what women should accept in relationships, is it?

DeeCeeCherry · 06/02/2024 05:10

I'm wondering if he has a terrible temper with friends, colleagues, his parents and siblings. I bet he doesn't. Coward. These house devil street angel men are the pits. Go and get legal advice. It may be that you'll go into temporary accommodation and eventually there'll be a forced sale of the house then you can move on from there. But finding out all your options is better than living as you do. In a few years your anxiety will be through the roof and you ll be fit for nothing. That's when you'll see how much 'help' this man will extend to you.

Bananalanacake · 06/02/2024 05:29

What happens if you refuse to argue back, just go ummm and walk off. Also does he stop you going out without him.

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