Help me unpick this please

[marjorambasil]

I have a situation with my long term partner of 16 years. I can't work out who is in the wrong, and how I feel about it.

We generally have a good relationship, although he's terrible at communicating.

This past year, I have had problems with a prolapse which must have been caused by childbirth but my youngest is 13. It has made me feel really self conscious and also the symptoms mean often I am not in the mood for sex.

Partner says all the 'right' things - of course I don't mind etc, but when it actually comes down to it, if I say no to sex he gets this sad pouty face, which makes me feel awful. He denies that his face changes at all. He will also keep asking every day sometimes even the same day, for example on Friday night I said no, and he then asked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.

I'll admit that I can be an insecure person, and I have frequently said to him things like I'm scared he will leave me if it gets to the point I cannot have sex at all (consultant said if it worsens I can get surgery but huge waiting lists). He always says he wouldn't leave for that, but then his sulking says a different story..

This is causing recurring arguments between us which are threatening our relationship. We've been through many things together but our sex life has never been something we've had any problem with.

I told him last night during yet another argument that I feel he has let me down during this and he needs to grow up and support me properly or just leave and find someone who can meet his needs. He states that he does not sulk at all, that I'm making up the face, and he's simply asking because is he not 'allowed' to ask his partner for sex. The thing is, I can and do read too much into things at times, so I can't be sure who is in the wrong.

I know he uses sex as a way to cheer himself up (he gets depression), and I'm not saying that's wrong of him, maybe he doesn't realise he is making the face.

My head is mashed with it and I need some perspective.

Oh and I should say, I'm mostly fine with giving him oral or whatever if I am not feeling up to full sex, but it feels like that's not enough. I'm worried about what this means for our relationship and I am angry at him.

I really don't think yiu should be performing any sexual act if you not feeling it. I can understand him missing the intimacy,you don't say you do,but that is no reason for such childish behaviour.

I do miss intimacy, terribly. Well we still have sex, but it's more difficult now and I worry what will happen with our relationship if we can't for an extended time, if this is how he takes it now.

I honestly don't mind doing alternative things for him, not at all, but I'm sad that it doesn't seem to be enough.

God this sounds exhausting. My vagina clenched tightly closed just reading your post.

You poor thing, this is terrible to experience. You are more than just a hole for him to ease his depression symptoms with OP. You are a human being with your own feelings and your own right to engage in sex when it feels right for you. You're not even completely disconnected sexually right now, you're still happy with foreplay, but he is sulking because he absolutely needs his penis in you to cope and be happy in the relationship?

How insulting. Nothing more unattractive than a whiny man sulking over wanting sex that you don't feel up to and my goodness, you've every right now to right now with a prolapse, does he not care that you actually have a health condition?

I promise, you are not the one in the wrong here. Why is he asking day after day after day when you've said no? It starts to feel a bit like coercion, like he's trying to wear you down and get you to just give into it when he clearly knows you don't want it. Let me guess: if he knew you didn't really want it but were willing to do it for him, he'd be fine with that wouldn't he?

Honestly at this point in the game you've told him if he can't cope with a period of no PIV sex to bugger off and find someone else and he's still around so I suggest telling him that until your prolapse is sorted/until you feel ready again, he's no longer to ask for it, you will ask him when YOU feel ready, and every time he asks he's naturally pushing that date further and further back because being pressured into sex is the least appealing thing ever.

I get it OP as going through similar myself due to menopause (mainly) but also a long term condition.

Maybe a night somewhere neutral when he claims to not "be sulking" can you (gently but firmly) challenge this with examples /specifics of his responses. It may not be one conversation but (loads!) More in my case !! Maybe a regular time might help him focus on your relationship. Could you try other ways, also you appear to put the responsibility more onto you though you might not have communicated that, being the focus is on him and his behaviour. It does sound very centred on him and his needs, and he should appreciate the efforts you are going to.

I'm sure you have told him that sex will worsen your condition? He really needs to fully accept this, as your health comes first. Let alone the anxiety you must feel of him pressurising you, or the feeling it would need to lead to sex? Try to write a list of what his behaviour being's up for you, as I think your anxiety is causing you to lose sight of your needs. Is there no support the hospital/GP can offer. Usually mental health support can be accessed locally by self referral. Check out your practice website. The initial consultation was OK, a bit textbook imo, but I did follow up on one of the counselling contacts (for me initially)

Hope that helps. I might just try some of my own advice 😁

@Kolakalia Yes it is putting me off him, I am surprised it hasn't put me off more tbh. He says he cares that I have a health condition, but I'm not sure that he does when it actually comes to it.

@twinklystar23 Thanks for your perspective. Do you mean that we could go somewhere neutral like for a walk or something?? I've tried to explain to him but I am not very good at explaining and he is not very good at listening. Your post made me realise that yes, the focus has mostly been on it being my 'fault', but actually, his behaviour is problematic. Last night was the first time I've really got angry and focussed it on his behaviour. Can I ask - does your partner understand better now??
The physio and consultant said that sex won't harm or worsen the prolapse in any way, however I also get cystitis and UTIs often afterwards which also puts me off, but that's not a new thing that's been my whole life. I'm doing exercises as advised by the physio but it won't reverse it as it's my ligaments she said. Pessaries were mentioned but with my being prone to UTI they don't think it's a good option. I can get surgery if it gets worse, but surgery can cause other issues apparently. Maybe I'll end up getting the surgery.
Thanks I will see about counselling. I tried the self referral thing before but they said they don't treat PTSD (I have from childhood stuff). For this issue though, it could be good so surely I can access it for this.
My mum died extremely suddenly when I was a child and it's left me with abandonment issues I think. It makes me really panicky that DP could leave me for this, although rationally I know that if he did that he wouldn't be worth it anyway. I'm angry that he appears to only think of himself mostly.