Leave or move on. But what if you can’t do either?

[Taq]

4 years ago my husband had an affair. No proof that it went beyond emotional (he swears that’s all it was) but I don’t believe it. And the emotional side was bad enough.
This was a woman he’d employed as a PA. I always thought something was ‘off’ and he denied it vehemently until I found the texts. This was after they’d been on a 2 week business trip together staying in the same hotel, where apparently nothing happened. Hollow laugh.

It was a time in my life when I was struggling with 3 young children, a 3 year old and twin babies. I was alone because we had relocated to another country for his work. I had no friends and no family. It was horrendous but I held it together because we were a team and best friends, and then this happened and I basically had a complete mental breakdown.

After much discussion I didn’t leave. He changed his job and has since bent over backwards to make up for it. And he genuinely, genuinely has. He couldn’t have done more, been more repentant, spent more, changed more. He’s done everything he could and then some.

But I can’t move on from the betrayal. I love him, but I am broken mentally. I am just an empty shell. Life was incredibly lonely and tough on my own with the babies, but the betrayal tipped me over the edge. I don’t think I’ll ever be really happy or trust anyone again. I feel so completely let down, and like I’ve wasted my life on a lie.

Where do I go from here? I love him. The kids love him. But he still works away for weeks at a time. I’m still alone. His job is very niche so changing it would mean a huge change in lifestyle for all the family and I can’t inflict that on them, not when they’ve already got a miserable mother to deal with.

I don’t think there is a good answer really. Stay and be miserable. Leave and be poor and miserable.

Anyway at least I’ve typed it out.

its fair enough that you can’t get over his betrayal, if nothing else get back to your home country, if he’s away a lot it is better for you to be be somewhere familiar.

Have you tried couple's counselling?

Why would you be undoubtably miserable if you left? How do you know?

Lots of poor people are happy. If you stay you will always be miserable but if you leave at least there is a chance of happiness

I tried single counselling which was just dreadful. One was a woman and she just kept talking about sex and basically made me feel it was my fault for not putting out more with young kids.
One was a man who also specialised in OCD and decided I had repressed OCD and that we needed to confront that first. I don’t.
I wouldn’t be in a rush to tell my secrets to another counsellor tbh.

Ive been in this country 10 years now and it would be a huge upheaval to move home. And to what? All my friends have moved on. My parents are retired and do their own stuff now. I’d be moving back to a bedsit or something.

A time machine would be great but not realistic sadly.

What chance if happiness if I leave though?
He doesn’t bother me, I get on with whatever I want to do. I would never ever want another relationship ever. He’s good company. So i can’t see how leaving will help, it’s not like he’s abusive in any way. All he ever does is try to make me happy. It’s me that’s the broken one.

If to I can't get over it, then you can't.

My exdh had an emotional affair (another hollow laugh), he did exactly the same, bent over backwards for me, but I simply couldn't trust him or get over his capacity for deceit. It ruined the whole relationship for me, birthdays, Valentine's Day, anniversaries were all marred in my mind. I left after 3 years of trying and I told him why. I found out from a friend of his that he had indeed slept with the woman a number of times during his 'emotional affair' so he'd continued to lie to me for a further 3 years. This cemented my decision to leave - and quite frankly, I've never been happier with my life than I am now. I look back and wonder why I wasted a further 3 years of my life on him

I also have to say that he's not trying 'that hard' to make amends if he's still working away. Ok the job might be niche, but he could retrain, get a lower paid job, return back to your home so you have a support structure in place. Not a great deal has changed for him and you're still left feeling lonely

Some of us know exactly how you feel and the emotional struggles that brings for ages and ages afterwards. No matter how contrite, sorry or well behaved the perpetrator is, it takes a lot to relax and believe it.

In your shoes, at your time of life, I’d push to come back home to live and/or have counselling.

It’s hateful to feel like you do, but probably not all the time. I expect it comes in waves?

I’m not much help really but sending a hug because without saying too much, I know exactly I how you feel.

The problem with betrayal and this kind of pseudo forgiveness is that we know deep down it's wrong. He has never had to suffer the consequences of what he did.

It sounds like you are staying for the lifestyle rather than for a relationship with mutual respect, I'm not sure any amount of counselling can solve feeling bad about that.

So you've lived in this country for ten years?

Do you have a network of friends there? Anyone you can turn to for support?

I don't imagine coming back to the UK after 10 years is going to provide you with much comfort and support.

FWIW, I think you should get divorced. I don't think you can move past this. The betrayal is huge. It's already cost you so much in terms of peace of mind.

Can you have a chat with a solicitor either local to you or in the UK?

You won't have to be poor. Your dcs will get bigger. You will be able to work too and provide for them as well as your h.

Imagine regaining your peace of mind. Having to trust only yourself. Not allowing your h to undermine your sense of security ever again. It is to be treasured.

I am emerging from a long abusive marriage where my stbx was adulterous at least four times. I am anxious, desperately worried about the future but I no longer care or have to worry about betrayal.

I believe it's worth it.

If you want to stay married - and it sounds like you do - I think he needs a new job with a lot less travel. It may mean less money for the family and less status for him, but necessary if the relationship/Family is to be prioritised.

So @Taq your kids are 7 and 4, right? Give or take.

I think once they’re off to school you’ll have more potential to some “me time” and I’d suggest that you look for things to make you happy when you have more time. Are there other women to spend time with? Start building a life for yourself outside of the confines of a marriage/family, it’ll offset the situation at home.

maybe as the kids get older you could take them on trips away? Change of scenery etc?

i get it. It’s not bad enough to leave but not good enough to want to stay and the choice to leave would come at a huge financial disadvantage