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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there a word for this?

11 replies

Sleepthief · 09/05/2023 11:26

DH has a habit of deciding something is happening/not happening (in this case that DS1 is not revising enough for his imminent A levels) and will not be persuaded otherwise.

I used to think that he was only looking for evidence to back up his own viewpoint, but this morning I've realised it's more that no amount of evidence to the contrary will change his mind...

It's really annoying at the best of times and in this case I'm worried that it'll put extra pressure on DS1, who is revising 2-3 hours a day, having extra tuition and attending revision classes at school outside of normal hours, and turn him off completely.

He's done it over the years with me on multiple occasions, but this feels very unfair on DS1, who is working really hard! To be fair, he only brings it up with me 🙄 so the pressure hopefully hasn't reached DS1 so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepthief · 09/05/2023 11:27

Sorry, I forgot the question - is there a name for this behaviour? And is there a way to deal with it?

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 09/05/2023 11:29

Annoying comes to mind.

Original poster
Sleepthief · 09/05/2023 11:29

Really fucking annoying!

OP posts:
Catspyjamas17 · 09/05/2023 11:32

Being a dick. It's also a bit controlling. At 17/18 they are almost or are actual adults, just let them get on with it.

Karma2023 · 09/05/2023 11:34

It depends on what he is saying but it seems as if he is finding fault, blaming and needing to be right.

If he is generally a good person with empathy and ability to compromise it could stem from his anxiety over your son failing at A levels and needing to control the outcome so piling on pressure rather than support your son.

Original poster
Sleepthief · 09/05/2023 11:45

Thanks for the perspective. He does love his boys - of that there is no doubt! And he comes from a background of neglect and parents who didn't care about his education. And he is super stressed at work at the moment, so may be deflecting. I would like him to accept the hard evidence to the contrary, but that being out of my control, I will just carry on supporting DS1.

OP posts:
ThirdCultureKid · 09/05/2023 12:32

Its called the backfire effect

If you dont want to click on a link - its the oatmeals ' You are not going to believe the thing i am about to tell you' - its a bit Americanised at the beginning but it gets down to the nuts an bolts of why people dig their heels in on an idea and refuse to change their stance despite all the evidence to the contrary in the latter stages.

You're Not Going To Believe What I'm About To Tell You - The Oatmeal

I read this comic by The Oatmeal, and I loved it so much, I was inspired to create a video out of it. Turn the sound on and I'll read it to you over gentle m...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_aTN3yKOkY

Mysticguru · 09/05/2023 14:03

His thoughts become his reality!! This reality creates a prison that he cannot escape from. He then projects that reality onto others.

Delusional projection?

Seriouslynotseriously · 09/05/2023 14:11

My H does this. He fixes an idea in his head and NOTHING will change it. He has recently been diagnosed with autism.

Original poster
Sleepthief · 09/05/2023 14:58

Thank you! I'll look into those.

@Seriouslynotseriously we (I) also suspect this as a possibility - two of our four boys are autistic and there are definite traits...

OP posts:
Kolakalia · 09/05/2023 15:42

Fixation.

And he might be overcompensating for his own neglectful upbringing.

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