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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lies for 9 years

9 replies

VioletVix · 09/05/2023 04:01

Hello, I'm looking for other parents who may have been in the same boat with advice on what the hell to do after you've experience betrayal by your partner.
For context it'll be 9 years this year we've been together. Last October I found heavy porn use, every day to every other day, from my partner for the entirety of our relationship. Now I don't have a problem with it as long as someone's honest, however my boyfriend has kept this from me and has talked down on me for looking at it myself. He's always said when ive asked if he does look it at that he doesn't need porn he's got me, why would he need to look at other women when I'm right here.
After i found that i tried to talk to him about it but it was awful. He doesn't understand what the problem is and has said because he's apologised that he wants it to be over and done and move on, but I'm stuck here.
The conversations keep going round and round and it go's nowhere.
He's shown me something in Instagram before and clicked onto his feed and it was just full of barely covered bikini girls when I asked him why he downplayed it too it wasn't him he didn't understand how the app works, it must just push these photos to him because he's a man.
Now ive found hes on tiktok, and its triggered me off because of the lies again.
i dont care what social media he has and im open with all of mine. He came up as suggested 2 weeks ago, The name hadnt synced with contacts yet so it just said it was from my contacts but was a username he often uses. I asked if it was him, immediate no he doesnt use that app because he hates it.
I've gone on tiktok today and it's now showing his name from my contacts.
Just why all the lies..
Has anyone found any support groups for this kind of thing?
Feel like I'm hitting a brick wall.

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 09/05/2023 05:24

No advice sorry, but once a liar always a liar. It's frustrating but he won't change.

supercali77 · 09/05/2023 05:27

I dont have advice about support groups but am wondering if it would be considered pathological or compulsive lying? Does he embellish stories? Have any other red flags? You could maybe search for support under that.

You must be so shocked

VioletVix · 09/05/2023 07:35

@supercali77 he's one of the most laid back people I've ever met, just everytime this subject comes up the lies start. He doesn't embellish his stories. The most I've got as an explanation is its mainly shame around it that's why he doesn't talk about it. But when we first got together I told him then I didn't care for porn as long as its not hidden, doesn't make sense. He's had so many outs along the way, why prolong and dig yourself such a bigger hole!
He's actively made this whole view about him not watching porn that hes different, building me up saying he wouldn't need to as I'm here when the reality is so different.
I just don't know where to go from here, the life I thought we were living was just stupid lies.

OP posts:
mumoftoddlerandteen · 09/05/2023 15:16

I’m sorry I don’t have anything really to add other than that I’m in the same situation. I found out the same thing about my husband about a year ago. I want to leave him but I feel trapped with three children and a house that I can’t bear to leave. But I just know I will leave him at some point, it’s just when. It destroys all of your trust and just eats away at me all of the time. I hate living like it. I don’t feel like myself anymore. Sending you so much love and hugs x

Pinkbonbon · 09/05/2023 16:07

Why would you want a support group to help you tolerate more shit?

As women we are conditioned throughout to make excuses for men, to look inwards when THEY are the ones failing US. So even when they betray us utterly, lie, cheat, hurt and berate us, we are still looking to excuse it and fix things. We need to STOP that.

You have every right to feel hurt. His behaviour is hurtful. You don't need to forgive, let alone forgive someone who isn't sorry and will repeat the behaviour.

Instead of asking - how do I get through this? How about asking - why don't i think I deserve better? And why do I think I should be the one looking to fix someone else's issues? And why do I think this person deserves any more chances?

You cannot trust him. But you should jolly well be able to trust you. To trust you to have your own back.

VioletVix · 09/05/2023 17:23

@mumoftoddlerandteen It's so hard isn't it. You've made this whole life together or so you thought. We have 6 kids in the house. My heart hurts for you, its devastating. X

@Pinkbonbon mainly looking for others who have been through the same, to know i can get through this despite whats happened.

I'm not looking to tolerate more shit from him I'm at my limit. However there's more then just me to think about there's a whole family unit.
As mothers we tend not to be able to just think and do what we want to/need to. We put others first.

You touch on some good questions, my confidence is shot, especially in myself as I trusted him in the first place. I've tried to forgive and everytime I do it's the same outcome.
I have to change it with me but that's hard to do on your own,

OP posts:
Superdupes · 09/05/2023 17:36

If he's lying about all that then who knows what else he's lying about. He could be leading a whole double life, who knows. All you know is that he has no problem lying to you or doing things behind your back. I started out finding out about lies like this and then it just got worse and worse until it turned out our whole relationship had been a sham - this was after 25 years. Think very carefully if you want to keep going with someone who has no problem doing things behind your back and then lying about it.

Shivvy120 · 11/05/2023 12:54

This is really crap for you, so sorry you are going through this.
Does have have an addiction? Every day seems a tad much... Maybe I'm wrong!
Porn is one of those really hurtful things that can leave you feeling inferior and not good enough. What a horrible industry it is.
Anyway, you say you don''t mind the porn, so why doesn't he tell you? Chances are he feels that it's wrong and he shouldn't be doing it, are you sure this is all, and that there aren't women in real life? I don't want to alarm you but he has been lying all along.

Pinkbonbon · 11/05/2023 18:27

A key responsibility as a parent is to teach your kids that they shouldn't tolerate liars and bullshitters though. Of voyrsw it might seem easier on them to keep the family unit together but in the longterm it does them damage. They grow up seeing a mother with no self esteem, tolerating crap from a partner with no respect. And think that shit is normal.

So I quite agree you have to look at it from a wider angle. But staying with a shitty manchild just to preserve a nuclear family
isn't really ideal for anyone.

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