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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wont leave me alone

18 replies

Sm1810 · 08/05/2023 22:27

Hi everyone. Looking for some advice. Just over a year ago I ended my relationship with my kids father. I have now entered a new relationship and he is making my life hell for it. My kids go and stay every second weekend. My son has just told me that he asks alot of questions about me. He constantly texts me angry one minute and then saying he's sorry and that he will always love me the next. I have told him multiple times since the relationship ended that's its over and I don't love him. I don't want any contact and to leave me alone unless it regards the kids. He is also using his friends to stalk myself and my partner on face book. Messeging my family, friends and even my partners ex!!! My partner stays over sometimes. There is no set days just whenever he dosnt have his son(he has him alot). My ex has said he's going to report me for housing fraud. Which I've told him he can if he wants to as I'm not doing anything wrong. The person I'm in a relationship with is my team leader at work. He contacted HR to tell them about the relationship. This went nowhere as my manager knows about the relationship. He is now also saying he won't be paying his child matinance this month because I can't collect the kids from him on the Sunday. I work till 10pm and don't drive. The usual drop off is at my mums. And honestly with the way he's been acting, it sends my anxiety sky high when I think about having to go to his house. I get I hurt him. We where due to get married 10 months after I decided to end the relationship but I should beable to walk away when I'm not happy and beable to live peacefully without constant messeges and threats has anyone been through this or has any advice on where to go from here ? Because of the kids i cant just cut him out of my life but it cant handle the stress hes putting me under. Sorry for the long post

OP posts:
Original poster
Sm1810 · 08/05/2023 22:29

Sorry I ment to say that he is currently in a relationship and apparently this is his 4th since we split. He was also on dating websites 1 week after we split. I good with this as its nothing to do with me. We wernt in a relationship. I just don't understand why he has the issue when I decide to move on and find someone else

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 08/05/2023 23:07

my ex was stalking me through social media / asking friends to stalk me

reporting it to the police is a first step - just let them know you want a paper trail if things escalate. Let them know about interference at your work and the social media activity, as well as the threats to report you for fraud (yes, they are pointless and nothing will happen, but he's stupid and doesn't get that while his intention is to intimidate you)

also, keep record of times he comes up with bullshit reasons to not pay child maintenance and when note every instance when he does not pay

never argue with stupid, just get him through legal means

Marineboy67 · 09/05/2023 01:14

When did you enter your new relationship? Was there any sort of
overlapping period. Could that be why your ex is so angry?

Anothernamename · 09/05/2023 01:33

I can’t believe a previous poster is finding a way to justify his awful behaviour by suggesting it must be your fault in some way. It beggars belief.

OP regardless of when you started your new relationship, nothing justifies this behaviour. He has had four girlfriends himself since you split up yet he has the gall to harass you over your relationship? Your ex sounds mentally unhinged and if you have asked him to stop contacting you and he is continuing then this is harassment and is absolutely a police matter, call 101 to log everything.

Far too many women are subjected to harassment/stalking at the hands of their fragile ego ex partners and I am very sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Sm1810 · 09/05/2023 01:43

No. There has been no overlap. We split in April last year. I have been with my nee partner since November

OP posts:
elffiee · 09/05/2023 01:47

He constantly texts me angry one minute and then saying he's sorry and that he will always love me the next.

Really identify with this. A weird love/hate.

Not sure what to advise but following with interest. The harassment and stalking is all too familiar. I've been separated from him for years and have as little to do with him as possible.

Original poster
Sm1810 · 09/05/2023 01:55

Thank you for your reply. I think its time to contact a lawyer. Its the last thing I wanted to to to the kids but I don't see any other way. I've tried to co parent peacefully but things have went to far now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sm1810 · 09/05/2023 01:57

The harassment and stalking is all too familiar. I've been separated from him for years and have as little to do with him as possible.
Has I subsided for you? I really though it would have by now. I'm still walking on egg shells

OP posts:
elffiee · 09/05/2023 12:53

Has I subsided for you? I really though it would have by now. I'm still walking on egg shells

In some ways it has lessened, though I think if I did meet someone new (I'm not interested at the moment) it might tip him over the edge. He was also always threatening to report me or to withhold money for the DC. They're older now (teens) and he doesn't see them much, but I think he pretends to others that he's an involved father. I have hoped he would improve if he met someone, but sadly he hasn't yet.

I think legal advice is your best next step.

Quitelikeit · 09/05/2023 13:04

Make this easy

Block his number - tell him you are doing this. Create a new email address - give him this and tell him you will check it once a week.

In the event of an emergency I would supply him a home telephone number of someone mutual that you think he wouldn’t dream of harassing and they can call you.

Block him on everything btw

Advise him that you are feeling harassed and if he persists in trying to contact you after these changes then you will report him to the authorities

Also if he is harming your child’s emotional wellbeing by asking repeated questions you need to talk to your child about this and give them stock responses- ‘don’t know’ ‘not sure’ ‘please don’t talk about that to me’

MintJulia · 09/05/2023 13:37

Quitelikeit · 09/05/2023 13:04

Make this easy

Block his number - tell him you are doing this. Create a new email address - give him this and tell him you will check it once a week.

In the event of an emergency I would supply him a home telephone number of someone mutual that you think he wouldn’t dream of harassing and they can call you.

Block him on everything btw

Advise him that you are feeling harassed and if he persists in trying to contact you after these changes then you will report him to the authorities

Also if he is harming your child’s emotional wellbeing by asking repeated questions you need to talk to your child about this and give them stock responses- ‘don’t know’ ‘not sure’ ‘please don’t talk about that to me’

This. To the letter.

Email your ex once to say that his actions constitute harrassment and it needs to stop immediately, because he is committing a criminal offence. Then stop communicating with him unless via email and about the children. Check for emails once a week only. Block him on your phone and all social media. Don't respond, don't react, grey rock.

Record any on-going threats or interference, dates. times, content. If he persists, make a complaint to the police. Be prepared to go to court for a non-molestation order.

Thesharkradar · 09/05/2023 13:42

elffiee · 09/05/2023 01:47

He constantly texts me angry one minute and then saying he's sorry and that he will always love me the next.

Really identify with this. A weird love/hate.

Not sure what to advise but following with interest. The harassment and stalking is all too familiar. I've been separated from him for years and have as little to do with him as possible.

In this case 'love' = 'I want to dominate and possess you'
When he says he will always love you what he means is 'I own you' and that's why he feels able to punish you for going against what he wants.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 09/05/2023 13:43

What @Quitelikeit said. He does not get to contact you by anything other than email. The only thing you ever need to reply to him to, in one or two words, are genuine enquiries about your kids. Report the harassment, cut off his access to you.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 09/05/2023 13:45

And also go through CMS for maintenance.

Thesharkradar · 09/05/2023 14:00

Treat him like a work colleague that you dislike but still have to engage with be efficient and business-like and succinct.
Only engage with him via email
keep a detailed log of everything that happens in case you need to build a case against him in the future

Original poster
Sm1810 · 10/05/2023 21:16

Thankyou for the reply. I would never usually post my buissness online but I didn't know what to do next. I have now put In a claim with cms and have an appointment with a lawyer. I have also blocked him on everything. Anything to do with the kids will now be through my dad. Doubt he would talk to a man the way he has been to me.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 10/05/2023 21:26

Excellent update op

do be careful about instructing a lawyer as they will be very happy to take your cash and I’m not sure what use they’d be to you right now

Quitelikeit · 10/05/2023 21:27

Also should have said if at all possible get a mutual person to do the handover too!!

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