Hi,
Just after a bit of advice and hope someone will tell me things will change.
Cutting a long story short, I ended my 23 year marriage at the end of 2020 simply because I was married to someone that I didn’t connect with, emotionally/personally or sexually. I was naive! Young! There was also an age gap - him 11 years my senior. I was a quiet girl and, somehow, ended up in this situation. I had only been with one other before marriage who hurt me badly (it took me a long time to get over it). Stbx was sweet and we seemed to like the same things (travel, visits to gardens and countryside ) but , looking back (now I’m early 50’s), we lacked connection. I won’t lie - He didn’t excite me at all sexually and was, let’s put this nicely, crap at it. I have suspicions he was gay anyway. No affection or intimacy between us. So, you could say we were nothing more than friends. Age gap was an issue in the end too. We were at different stages in life. I was often resentful of his lack of effort in all aspects of his life (work, sex - anything) and I was the main breadwinner but constantly studied to better myself. I felt he took advantage of this (joint account). I also took the burden of childcare (I worked all the time after maternity) and admin roles in the house. I probably did a lot more housework than him too.
He never complimented me. Actually, he criticised me a lot. I didn’t realise tbh until I realised other men were complementing me!
There was no love in our marriage. Two children (one conceived artificially). We hadn’t had sex for over 10 years. It’s now probably 15 years. Separate rooms for a few years before I ended the relationship. No affection- not even kissing or holding hands. I knew I wasn’t attracted to him. However, he was a nice person and I just didn’t have the heart to break his heart. I accepted it.
I was brought up by my mum. My father left when I was about 10 and had no further involvement in my life. He died years ago. My mum died 8 years ago. Both of my older siblings have also passed on (one to suicide).
A few years ago, and obviously when hormones were going crazy, I got involved with another man. He lives a few hundred miles away, fortunately. Let’s just say we get on well…really well. Always have. The connection is amazing. Sadly for me, this man is married. However, we met (even though he never wanted to) and met again and again. A few times now over the last 7 years. I went through emotional turmoil at the beginning and ended my marriage immediately on realising that I had developed feelings (and real feelings) for someone else. It’s not good for me. I know this.
I have tried OLD to escape the situation I am in (well, to find someone who I develop the same feelings for). I have missed out. I am extremely passionate and know I have sacrificed my needs and desires for the happiness of someone else.
My divorce is dragging on. It is affecting me now. I am paying a fortune out to the solicitor. Stbx hasn’t paid a penny in child maintenance for the child under 18 and has gone part time (semi retired) and cashed in a lump sum from his pension. There hasn’t been a decent settlement offered that would prevent me from taking on a mortgage that would reduce my disposable income substantially and put me in a tricky situation. My job is very stressful. Also at risk. I deal with crap everyday at work (line manager to most in the place) whereas the manager (who should be line manager to them) is either avoiding being a manager or is on long term sick. He has screwed the place up and put jobs at risk. I am fairly new and it is a new role for me away from my normal career. To say I have made a massive mistake is an understatement!! I have seen roles in my field but miles and miles away - I am now restricted to where I can go due to being on my own with the younger child. My blood pressure was high at my last GP check and they are concerned. My role is probably a role that needs 2-3 people! Constant stress and workload. So, I am unhappy in my work life now too.
Meanwhile, I am lonely. Although OM keeps in regular contact it is breaking me. I have no family. None. All RIP. Stbx doesn’t speak to me and hasn’t since he left (even though he doesn’t know the full reason why I ended the marriage). The eldest is at university. Youngest is a devil child (puberty) and ignores me most of the time. I try taking her out but she is extremely grumpy and I end up coming home (tears running down my face in the car). I sit alone downstairs in the evenings. It’s soul destroying!
Other men on OLD have either ignored me after a few messages or after a date. I am not unattractive! I give up with it and have deleted the apps. It’s soul destroying.
I’m on a good salary but money is being depleted running the family home (while we sort out the finances) and I’m paying for most of the costs for the kids and solicitor fees at £275 an hour. Stbx has now got a reduced salary so can’t afford to
pay CM. So he says! Child maintenance was calculated at £85 a week but he hasn’t paid a penny. Youngest child is very expensive!!
I am struggling!
Most of all though, I am battling with feelings of sadness and regret for marrying someone who I wasn’t really attracted to and didn’t really connect with. Plus, I feel guilty ending the marriage to a nice man even though there was nothing there sexually/emotionally. I was 19 when we started talking one day (he was 30). I got to the point where I would cringe in the bedroom. I
am really worried that I will
end up alone and I am trying my best to keep a smile on my face at work as I am in charge of a department and a lot of staff. I am worried I will end up
on the sick and it’ll be the end. I’m don’t think I could continue. I have always had a successful career.
I feel like I have missed out and made some stupid decisions!
I am lonely. Miss my family (mum etc). and have no-one to turn to. I have missed out on a loving/passionate relationship. I may as well have joined the convent!
Any advice?
I’m 51 (look younger though).