I physically cannot do this anymore

[cheesywotsits7]

my relationship is struggling because of me. I’m so hyper vigilant to everything and my brain doesn’t work properly. It’s constantly on and struggling with everything, I just went out for lunch with DP and I struggled the whole way - I worried because he didn’t hold my hand on the walk and he usually does, I worry because he didn’t look as happy as usual, I got upset because I bought him lunch and he said thank you at the beginning but not after.

He then said that wasn’t fair and looked so disappointed in me and I thought that’s it, I’ve ruined things. I then cried and made him late for a meeting. I sobbed and told him I’m struggling but he told me he needed to go. He left and would usually ring me to check i am ok but he hasn’t called me and I’m struggling not to tell him to call me.

I know this is probably super unhealthy but I just can’t break the cycle and I’m struggling so so much. I’ve had therapy before but I’ve had 3 therapists who didn’t really gel with me and I’m struggling to afford another. I’m on the NHS waiting list and I’m scared of medication.

i am killing my self here someone please help

Here for you.
Have you spoken to a GP about this?

Thank you so much.
I have, I’m on a waiting list for both talking therapies and an ADHD assessment. Both over a year.
ive also been on medication in the past, one fucked me up and one just didn’t do anything

I’m struggling so much and we feel so stuck and I’m going to push him away it’s constant

The GP might be able to try other medication - it can take time to find the right one.

Have you tried meds for anxiety? I was feeling this way myself recently and medication has really helped.

You need to reconsider medication. This is a mental health issue. Your DP can't fix it or compensate for it, and you put a terrible burden on him when you expect him to.

You need to make a GP appointment for as soon as possible.

What support does your husband have? You sound exhausting.

Please reconsider medication for both your sakes. He can't fix this for you.

OP you are aware of it, that's really positive. Journalling can be helpful if you write down the things that are worrying you- they then can exist in a place outside of your mind.

I relate to this. I have ADHD and anxiety, and am also hypervigilant. I seem to hyperfocus on my relationship with DH.

Basically, if he is being attentive, engaged and kind, I feel reassured and relaxed. However, obviously there are times when he is stressed with work, tired, preoccupied, grumpy etc - and then I get extremely anxious, focusing on his expressions and body language and thinking that I am going to have to break up with him as I can't cope.

It seems that how I feel in myself is dependent on his mood - it's clearly so
co dependent, but so hard to break out of!

For me I think it stems in a large part from having a disengaged, emotionally unavailable dad - I panic when I feel that DH is showing similar behaviours (although in reality he is different).

I am still working on it - but I have found that forcing myself to focus on other things can help, and also forcing myself to look after myself with exercise, yoga, healthy eating, socialising etc can help, as it seems to lower my stress levels and then I am less likely to be triggered. I have also been on SSRIs in the past.

You used the word "struggling" five times in your first post, and again in your second one. What is it you feel you are struggling against, or with? It sounds exhausting for you.

OP you sound very very unwell. I hope that you find the right treatment for you and that your DH is patient until you are better.

Thank you so much I think I say struggling because I feel like I’m in a battle against my brain :( like I know all my thoughts are irrational but I can’t help but act on them and then get into a spiral of both being upset and feeling guilty for them

Go back to the dr as soon as you can op. It sounds awful

Why are you scared of medication when it could actually help? If you don't try you might find you push your husband away as he will become unable to cope with how you are. I realise its not your fault but if you had a physical illness which required medication you'd take it so think the same for your mental illness. You need to try everything for both your sakes.

Sweetheart sounds like you have BPD traits, over analysing and only feeling as safe as your last encounter with your DP.

don’t be afraid of meds, you might do well on Sertraline - makes you stop giving a crap

I'm curious about your childhood... were your parents loving and respectful of each other? Were you respected, listened to, and were your feelings prioritised, when you were growing up?

It sounds like you're in a 'Shut up!' relationship with your feelings right now, does that sound right? Like you feel something, and if it's not the thing you wish you felt, you need to silence it because it's a pain in your arse?

I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and my GP strongly suspects ADHD. The battles that go on inside your brain when your at this point are beyond exhausting!

Please reconsider medication, it feels like a big step when you first try it and you may have to couple but being free from the prison of your own mind is something everyone deserves.
Its a horrible horrible place to be in your head and medication is just the same as if you needed painkillers for a migraine.

I can be similar to you although not quite as extreme. I found this article very helpful www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/