Is there such a thing as Empathy fatigue?

[Vdubmug]

Since being abused my empathy is not what it used to be. I find myself just not really caring like I used to about things and people. I used to be a massive people pleaser and I just can’t be bothered since leaving my abusive marriage a few years back.

My parents did the best they could with what they knew but my mum was emotionally neglectful and since realising I used to please her and my husband to appease them I’ve just sort of stopped caring really.

Is this normal?

Yes!!

Firstly I am so sorry to hear you were abused I hope you are doing OK xx

This is called "sympathy bank" we only have so much credits in our sympathy bank. We use them up on other people the credits reduce to zero, unless people are providing us with sympathy/care/compassion to reboost our balance

It's a sociological/psychological theory

So basically once the bank is empty you struggle to be sympathetic for others unless you have that care and compassion shown to you by others

@Switchingup there isn’t anyone really in my life who offers me sympathy and I do feel like I could do with some. It’s like wondering around with a gaping hole. I try and give it to those in my life like my children but my bank is most definitely empty.

Yes. Compassion fatigue is a thing.

But, also, people pleasing is not a virtue. It's an indication of poor boundaries and low self esteem yet its a label that some people proudly display and I never understand why.

Don't ever feel bad for no longer being a 'people pleaser'.

I think what youe experiencing currently is your body's way of telling you you need to provide nurture and care for yourself.

Be compassionate and show empathy towards yourself.

You can't pour from an empty jug after all.

So basically once the bank is empty you struggle to be sympathetic for others unless you have that care and compassion shown to you by others

Or you show it to yourself by no longer allowing others to drain it.

Sounds to me like you've developed stronger boundaries since being abused, which is what people with good psychological and mental health do.

What has you not being offered sympathy by others got to do with it? Isn't that a completely separate thing?

I also find this. In part it's because everyone has a different level of resilience. So many people on here and in RL where I think FML you have no clue what hard is. And because others don't see like life as an endurance task I try to be kind but some people really have no ability to just get on with things and I just cannot be sympathetic past a point.

Is it possible you've just shut down emotionally to some extent rather than running out of empathy? And is it empathy you've run out or people pleasing that you've put a stop to? Those too are not the same.

Maybe it's also just getting older and more cynical due to life experience and realising you can't help everyone or take on everyone's burdens. I'm not convinced that you just run out of empathy though - tolerance for bs maybe.

Compassion fatigue is a recognised thing, to the point that we have lectures on it (student nurse).

Absolutely there is.

Menopause is a great propeller of empathy fatigue!

Your tolerance for others and being kind and understanding goes out the window.

I have empathy for those that I care about but even that has diminished.

The best thing you can do is be kind and loving towards yourself.

Take any and all shortcuts that make your life easier.

The world won't end by you putting yourself first.

The power of "Nope", is a great thing.

Consciously care for yourself and do things that a really kind for you.

@billy1966 I’ve just turned 40, my mum went through hers at the age of 35. I did just have a baby 5 months ago.

@Watchkeys I get so fed up of people in my life dismissing me that I just think sod you all now. Just yesterday my Father in law said a comment about people who have been abused as a child using it as an excuse for mental health issues when they should just get on with it. I don’t see the point in caring about these people anymore as they putting down my experience.

I also feel for my mum and realise she did the best she could but I don’t really care that much for her anymore. I can’t be bothered to call or invite her over like I once would, she only complains.

@Choconut ive just realised that even though I’ve been through so much and deserve love and compassion no one is going to give it to me and I can’t be bothered anymore being nice to people who aren’t to me. No one really cares.

Some individuals suck you dry of empathy, which can cause you to be less empathetic to everyone.
Usually those who expect the most empathy, support and acceptance of shitty behaviour, are the least forthcoming when others could be doing with some.

Menopause is a great propeller of empathy fatigue!
Indeed! It's great. Fuck the lot of them.

Ok- couple of things jump out
.PND? Is it possible?
Are you on any anti depressants? I felt exactly like this when I first started Sertraline- I knew I was doing it, but just didn’t give a shit. The point at which I thought I should stop was when I just said ‘ whatever’ to one of my mums sad stories.

I was peri menopausal within a year of my last baby, at the beginning of it at 42.

Your mother had it early so it is highly likely you might too.

You are gaining nothing in life tolerating people who annoy you.

Do yourself that favour and avoid them.

You can't change them.

So change yourself by no longer feeling any obligation to engage or tolerate them.

It's so freeing to say "Nope, not doing that".

Be it something for someone.
Be it spending time with someone.

Whatever it is.

Start pleasing yourself.

Life is just too short for turning yourself inside out for people who couldn't care less about you.

Accept it about them, and move forward no longer giving them orvtheir needs any consideration.

The relief is hugely empowering.

Enough is enough though. I give empathy to people who have a two way friendship and also care about me. Emotional drains who turn needy can look elsewhere though. I’ve had to fight for everything in my life, I’ve carried my whole family and not carrying anyone else.

Look after your own mental health.

@Nobsandnockers I don’t feel depressed, tired but not unhappy. I’m not on any antidepressants.

Maybe it’s something I’m meant to feel but it’s a little alien. I used to care so much about everyone even those especially those who treated me badly. I have no time now for simple minds now especially those not willing to even bother to see who I am and make assumptions. If others don’t care then why should I.