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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I start again

4 replies

HowDoIStartAgain · 08/05/2023 10:30

I’ve made a new account for this as very outing. I need advice not judgement. Im looking to leave a marriage (religious not legal) of 11 years. We have a child together who does have learning disabilities as do I. I’m currently not working due to DP wanting me to stay home and look after DC. I claim only child benefit. The house is on DP name, cars are on their name. I have no savings. In fact I’m in debt due to the time I haven’t worked or have been contributing to the household more than I could afford to. If I leave, I leave with my child and the clothes on my back. There are so many reasons I’m looking to leave. I think they might be controlling, they have extremely poor hygiene (baths once every few weeks), doesn’t change their clothes for bed or inbetween showers, won’t wash hands after toilet, doesn’t help around the house, makes me feel bad for asking for help. If I ask them to spend time with DD they just takes her to their parents house and lets them look after her. I have no friends, they made sure of this. I have no family I’m close to. They mock my appearance. They has NEVER been physically abusive though. Their mood can switch and they can become aggressive for example driving and puts me on edge. They make me feel like I’m walking on egg shells. They wanted me to stop working to look after DC and they will give me a weekly allowance for shopping and anything DC needs. This happens once every month or more so I’m not really getting much money from them. (What I do get isn’t even enough for a proper food shop in lidl). DP comes home from work and just lays on the sofa playing games on their phone so if I ask to spend time together they say we are. I’m so lonely, I’m exhausted and I just don’t know if I can continue like this forever. They keep promising to change their ways with me. They keeps promising that theyll try more but they never do. I don’t share my issues with my family, they all think we have the perfect relationship. I know people will say don’t have anymore kids with them but I don’t have to worry about that as we don’t even hug let alone sleep together. I’m sure they weren’t like this before my pregnancy. But I can’t leave with nothing so I’m stuck. Im 30 so I feel like I’ve wasted my prime years. I have no education behind me to fall back on. I have no friends, family or job. What on earth do I do here.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2023 11:05

How old is your child?

come up with a plan
find a job
apply for benefits
find a flat
apply for child maintenance

leave

call woman’s aid for support

HowDoIStartAgain · 08/05/2023 11:09

millymollymoomoo · 08/05/2023 11:05

How old is your child?

come up with a plan
find a job
apply for benefits
find a flat
apply for child maintenance

leave

call woman’s aid for support

She’s 3. She’s at nursery part time. The local SEND team gave her a referral when she was 2 and a half x

OP posts:
Broadleaves · 08/05/2023 11:38

There is help. Try https://niaendingviolence.org.uk/ even if they are not in your area or you think what is happening to you is not that bad. You need to ask for help, find out what support may be available. Well done for doing so here, keep going.
The FiLiA podcasts e.g. on coercive control, parenting, may be helpful and lead to other contacts and sources of support. https://podcast.filia.org.uk/
You can take back your life. It will be tough but you are clearly very resilient.

nia

Home - NIA | Ending Violence Against Women and Girls

nia runs services for women and girls who have been subjected to sexual and domestic violence and abuse, including prostitution. We offer community based

https://niaendingviolence.org.uk/

HowDoIStartAgain · 08/05/2023 12:56

Thank you @Broadleaves I’ll have a look at that. I think I’ll be fine mentally but it’s the finances and housing that worry me. They’re the only things keeping me here. There’s nothing left over for me to save.

OP posts:
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