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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving baby overnight - OW

49 replies

Moresetting · 08/05/2023 08:09

STBX and OW have their own baby
They have been together long enough to be a legitimate relationship so really she should be called GF I guess

Something is niggling at me
She keeps leaving their newborn. Abroad without baby at 7 weeks post natal. Days out when my kids visit (which is not many hours a week) so STBX has all 3 kids
He probably doesn’t do much parenting outside of this time with their shared child.

It is niggling me for several reasons
I knew she wasn’t a very nice person to be able to do what she did with my STBX but to be able to leave a newborn - does this just confirm that she isn’t a very nice person?
It doesn’t sound like a very stable environment- how will my kids cope if it falls apart? Are the cracks in their relationship starting to show?

I know it’s none of my business how they parent in their time but some Mumsnet wisdom might help my brain which is going overtime.
STBX and his share of the blame in all this is separate issue.
It’s more i can’t understand her mindset leaving a newborn for extended periods of time. I think I’d be concerned about anyone leaving a child this young & just feel more worried because my kids are caught up in this.

OP posts:

perfectcolourfound · 08/05/2023 08:52

MushMonster · 08/05/2023 08:17

Do you trust your exH to look after your children on his own?
If so, nothing you need to worry yourself with.
If not, then she is not your problem anyway.

This says it all

Teapottie · 08/05/2023 08:53

Days out when my kids visit (which is not many hours a week) so STBX has all 3 kids

She's leaving the baby with their other parent, their dad- what on earth is wrong with that? I think it sounds great to be honest that she has time to herself when all of his children are there plus he gets time alone with your shared children. Presumably the baby was safe and with someone trusted when she went away- no issue. Guessing if your ex didn't look after the baby he went abroad also, are you judging him too?

Kindly you need to move on, if anything it seems he is probably more engaged with this child and more supportive of his new partner ie having baby so she has time to relax and that's what you dislike even though it better for all 3 of his children.

Original poster

Moresetting · 08/05/2023 08:56

Thank you for all the replies
point taken!
please can we leave it now!!

OP posts:

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 08/05/2023 08:58

Why do you think the cracks are starting to show in their relationship? I don't understand...

Mariposa26 · 08/05/2023 08:58

The child has 2 parents. How does leaving her child with it’s father “confirm that she’s not a nice person”? There’s one person who doesn’t sound very nice here and it’s you.

harriethoyle · 08/05/2023 09:10

"My kids are caught up in this."

In what @Moresetting ? A parent doing some parenting? Outrageous. Call social services immediately. Or get some therapy so your obvious bitterness doesn't screw your own children up.

Boxe · 08/05/2023 09:17

Have you looked at some form of counseling to help you through your relationship breaking up? It can be very useful and will help you work out the feelings you’re experiencing.

BakewellGin1 · 08/05/2023 09:18

I 100% understand why you don't like her... He and her are equally to blame for him cheating (provided she knew about you)

However, leaving her child with their other parent doesn't make her a terrible Mum.

I left 8 week old with his Dad for two nights along with his older brother. On the basis he is as capable of parenting as I am.

TimesRwo · 08/05/2023 09:19

So presumably it’s fine for a dad to have a few hours away, but not the mum. Women really are that worse critics when it comes to other women.

Interestingly, you’ve not explained why she went for a week abroad. Maybe there was something she couldn’t avoid…?

RetiredEarly · 08/05/2023 09:28

Lol at all the posts saying it’s ok fur a new mum to leave her 7 weeks old to go on a hols because baby is with dad.

And then, you compare that to all the posts about how it’s never even remotely possible to leave a 3 or 6 months with their father or grand parents because baby is too young etc…

MN maybe you should chose your side!!

Reasonableadjustments · 08/05/2023 09:29

She doesn't say it was on holiday.

RetiredEarly · 08/05/2023 09:32

Reasonableadjustments · 08/05/2023 09:29

She doesn't say it was on holiday.

Fair enough.
But it would have to be a pretty big thing for such a new mum to go away Wo her newborn no?
as tte OP hasn’t mentioned it, I’m assuming it’s not the ‘I had to attend a funeral/see my father who was in ICU’ type if situation….

Maybe I’m wrong….

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/05/2023 09:35

I think you are maybe jealous that she is having all this fun and freedom and selfish time
whereas you don’t or didn’t get this ?

and wondering why he’s gone from you to her ?

id say the risk to kids is minimal and not worth fretting on

but your mental headspace need attention
are you over him ? Have you started to move on ?

Reasonableadjustments · 08/05/2023 09:39

@RetiredEarly the op doesn't say at all so I don't think we can speculate.

WheelsUp · 08/05/2023 09:43

You don't need confirmation that they are bad people. You know what they did.

Yabu to focus on the gf. The baby is why daddy so should be fine. One adult looking after 3 kids happens all the time. Your ex may have never looked after your 2 alone but that's because of the relationship he had with you. Most adults can cope.

There is the possible issue of it affecting the time with the kids. They might be restricted in the activities that they can do or not go out as much. That sucks but would be the same if you had a baby too.

Susieb2023 · 08/05/2023 09:43

I see your point OP. But it’s irrelevant. We all have different ways of raising our children. I would never have left my newborns in this way but I know friends who did.

My concern isn’t her, it’s you. You’re clearly so low about the affair and separation and it’s not easy being a single mum and raising the children when that was not your hope for your family. You have a lot to process and come to terms with. You clearly struggling with the trauma an affair causes. Have you spoken to your doctor about counselling?

Teapottie · 08/05/2023 10:08

RetiredEarly · 08/05/2023 09:28

Lol at all the posts saying it’s ok fur a new mum to leave her 7 weeks old to go on a hols because baby is with dad.

And then, you compare that to all the posts about how it’s never even remotely possible to leave a 3 or 6 months with their father or grand parents because baby is too young etc…

MN maybe you should chose your side!!

The more probable scenario is that people have different opinions- shock horror. I wouldn't ever judge a woman for leaving their baby somewhere safe and with someone they trust, others will or feel differently and that's fine.

GoodChat · 08/05/2023 10:10

RetiredEarly · 08/05/2023 09:28

Lol at all the posts saying it’s ok fur a new mum to leave her 7 weeks old to go on a hols because baby is with dad.

And then, you compare that to all the posts about how it’s never even remotely possible to leave a 3 or 6 months with their father or grand parents because baby is too young etc…

MN maybe you should chose your side!!

Nobody said she's on holiday.

She might have an ill or dead relative abroad. She might be away for work.

TimesRwo · 08/05/2023 11:08

RetiredEarly · 08/05/2023 09:32

Maybe I’m wrong….

Show quote history

Considering the tone of OP’s post and her judgment, I suspect she would have specifically mentioned if she went abroad on a jolly. I find it more telling that she didn’t say why she went abroad.

baileys6904 · 08/05/2023 11:54

@Moresetting I get it.

This isn't about the gf or the way she behaves really. It's about you having to pick up all the pieces, and looking ta your ex and the fact he seems to have moved on with no issue while you deal with the carnage that he left behind. This is about looking for any signs the ex has made a mistake and may be suffering like you have. Looking for signs that he knows he fucked up and that he should never have done it.

We've all compared ourselves to an ex's new relationship and we know it's not healthy. It sounds like you're struggling a wee bit more here and I think this post is just scratching the surfact of your emotions, which has backfired because instead of people seeing your hurt and supporting that, the feminism has trumped the sisterhood, and you've been battered from a different angle too.

If this is the case, please do post again and say so, and I'm sure people will be more inclined to help. Or feel free to pm

Susieb2023 · 08/05/2023 11:58

I totally agree with @baileys6904 you've been judged harshly, and unless you’ve been there or been close to someone going through it it’s hard to understand where your head goes to, it’s a long painful process to heal. Please reach out to people who do know that this is more than a dislike for the AP leaving her newborn with the father.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 08/05/2023 12:17

Would you judge him if he left the baby at 7 weeks, probably not.

Are you angry he seems to have stepped up now he is with this other woman?

Perhaps because she was the OW you were hoping their relationship would fail and it hasn't and this annoys you?

EmmaLeaa · 28/06/2023 09:35

I’m a first time mum and I’m worried that leaving my 4 week old overnight with grandparents can effect his bond with me? This month me and my partner have had a few plans, and last weekend he had one night with one grandparent then this weekend the other grandparent then next weekend he could be staying over again, can that effect his bond with me?

DollyTheFluffyOne · 28/06/2023 10:14

Maybe she is letting him have time with his own children? It's not up to her to look after your children who they go stay with their Dad.
It really is none of your business. What can you do about this anyway? Nothing!

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