Abuse (violent or otherwise) + adultery

[BlastedPimples]

How many of you noticed that your hs or partners became abusive (verbal or violent or just very different) and you tallied this behaviour with their having an affair?

Is it a common thing?

I reflect on my now recently finished marriage and I can distinctly plot along the years when my ex's behaviour changed and when I knew / thought he was fucking around.

It was a long marriage. A lot of it miserable. And yes, I am spending some head space ruminating on it and hopefully learning an awful lot from it.

Can't speak from experience but it seems perfectly logical. They are cheating so are extra anxious you might realise and leave them so they have to make you too focussed on your own behaviour (eg: make you walk on eggshells) to pay attention to what they're up to.

They need to keep you down so that you don't feel strong enough to leave even if you were to find out.

It's also potentially projection. Because they can cheat without remorse, they project that onto you. They think everyone is just as rotten as them. And how dare you treat them the way they treat you. They've got to make sure you don't. Even the thought that you could, makes them hate you. And when those sort hate you, they punish you.

I truly think my ex h hates me and has always hated me. But I also think he hates himself.

In hindsight it was so obvious he was having affairs. He would scream abuse in my face about all my failings as a woman, a mother, a wife. None of which were true. Well perhaps the wife bit because I didn't want to go near him.

The last straw was him attacking me when I retaliated verbally after nearly two hours of his screaming abuse at me. He says he restrained me. 😂

All witness by the dcs who see straight through him and can't stand the sight of him now.

All his abuse was interspersed with declarations of undying love, gifts, it is very disorienting.